To think it won't ever happen to me

[originalnutella]

I’m 29 and I’ve been properly single for 3 years.

It's a running joke with all my friends that I have terrible luck with men. The whole meet a man, like them, get together just does not happen with me, ever.

My last relationship ended as my serious (living together etc) ex cheated on me with a mutual colleague. In the time since, I’ve had a six month thing with a guy who moved away and another few months with an older man who decided he ‘didn’t want a relationship’. In that time I estimate I’ve been on about 50 dates from online dating.

I took a break from dating after the older guy for the first 6 months of this year to concentrate on other things; I moved jobs, bought a house, ran a marathon and went out a lot.

Since rejoining dating sites and meeting new people I am coming up against a major problem which is that there aren’t many single men around anymore!! All men at work are in relationships, as well as all those I meet through friends. I recently went to a bbq and left with 3 numbers but later found out all three guys are in relationships and 1 is married!

I don’t seem to be able to get many dates from online dating anymore as I suspect men go for younger women now.

I can’t work out why I haven’t been able to do what every other woman my age has done, which is to get into a relationship with a normal man. The main things wrong with me are that I don’t earn loads (about 32k) and also I don’t have the huge circle of girlfriends that a lot of women have (have 3 very close friends and a lot of acquaintances through work/clubs/friends that I go out with).

So AIBU to try to accept that it’s just not going to happen for me? And how do I go about this? I really miss the feeling of getting together with someone, I do want children and as good as it is to be independent, life sometimes feels like a slog with no one to share the load.

I'm 30 and for 10 years it was a running joke with my friends that I was "Good Luck Chuck". Every guy I had something with then went on to meet the love of their life immediately after and very quickly settled down.

(This isn't an exaggeration - I text one guy to see when I'd be seeing him next as he lived a few hours away and the response I got was "I don't think I'll be back up North in a while, met a girl in a coffee shop last week and I think she's the one". They've been together about 5 years and are now married).

However - 11 months ago I met my partner on Tinder and I'm now 14 weeks pregnant with our first child. I had only gone on Tinder to show my friend how to use it as she was recently single after a 7 year relationship and it was actually her who 'swiped right' on him as she was messing around on the app.

It will always happen when you're not expecting it. Don't beat yourself up.

My DD is the same age as you and met her current partner on bumble. It's too early to tell if it's for keeps but she's having a nice time with him atm and he seems very nice (yes only a mum would put it that way lol). As she has chronic health problems and is a wheelchair user they had to do a lot of dating online before meeting up and starting things for real - it would be way too exhausting for her to meet up with every 'potential'. She's on benefits and lives with her parents so I don't think your earnings are the problem!

So my thoughts on this are, make sure your bumble profile reflects who you really are and maybe try chatting with people and getting to know them more before you agree to meet them.

From chatting with my DD (and watching reality telly lol) I do see that dating trends these days rather seem to benefit those who don't want to commit until they've tried nibbling a fair few pies. I think it makes for waters that are really hard to navigate (are we a thing? exclusive? dating? etc etc, often all happening after sex and feelings have been put on the table). And I think this puts pressure on people to rush a lot of things without building the foundation of a relationship sometimes. So if you can bear advice from an old biddy I'd say try and slow things down a bit and get to know fellas before the date.

Wishing you well. xxx

No idea what your salary has to do with it? 32k is a decent salary especially if you have no kids and live up north. How would anyone know your salary anyway if you were dating and why would it out them off anyway?

*put

Is it because under your clothes your entire body is covered in scales?

Sorry to sound rude OP, but could you be trying to hard???

You sound like you are.

I mean you have been out with FIFTY men in the last 3 years of being single? That is a lot, and does seem like you are massively trying too hard.

But you do sound lovely, if not a little unlucky, and I am sure you will meet 'Mr Right' when you are not looking.

Life tends to be like that.

Good luck.

Sorry, meant to say, maybe give the dating a break for say, half a year.....

You're 29, not 109. Talking about it "never" happening for you is somewhat dramatic.

Does your 3 years of being "properly single" include the six month thing with the guy who moved away and the "fling" with the "older" man (how much older?)?

It reads like you're counting anything other than being in a committed long term relationship as single, which I find odd. Dating the same person for 6 months isn't being single. Unless I've misunderstood you.

Off the top of my head I can think of loads of people in my workplace who are a similar age to you and single. I don't think I've ever looked at any of them thought "how sad, doomed to be alone forever because they're single at 30".

Maybe the real issue here is with your idea of what a healthy relationship looks like.

Address that and you won't be ending up with inappropriate partners or desperately chasing dates with anybody who's not paired up without evaluating them for warning signs or compatibility (it would not surprise me if the married man who gave you his number did so because he picked up on this in you, ditto the older man).

Other than not-being-single, what makes life meaningful to you? What do you want from your time here? I ask, because - from the way you write - chasing dates sounds like a miserable way to live. Surely you want more than just gaining your M.R.S?

OP have you tried kayaking and climbing clubs? I swear any woman would be able to meet a boyfriend through these.

@originalnutella, you sound so together and level headed, you have a lot more going for you than I did at 29! I had no friends, I was brassic, just finished a long term relationship, quite traumatically and I lost my dad...I thought there was no hope for me meeting someone nice. I was using OLD and had met many frogs. And now I am going to really be annoying - but I met the most wonderful man through OLD at 32, married him at 34 and have recently adopted 2 children. Life is grand now, but I can empathise with how you are feeling. You are reaching a bit of a milestone where most of us look back and evaluate where we are in life, problem is, it's not relative or appropriate to compare with where others are at, because you will have experiences under your belt that others your age who are settled, don't. If you want to meet someone, use that experience, you have the confidence and wisdom to be picky in order to be happy. You've worked hard to get this far, take your time to find the right one, the one that deserves you. And 32k at 29 is good going, stop being hard on yourself, you've achieved so much. I wish you all the best.

50 men in 3 months is more than one every month.

That’s a lot imo...I think you’re probably trying too hard op.

I didn't think 50 in 3 years was a lot really? Aside from the year or so when I was seeing someone.

I prefer to meet up with online dates as soon as possible so I can get a true measure of what they're really like. Also I'm always being told it's a numbers game.

Bless you. I think taking a break from dating is a good idea.
Maybe just set a few more life ambitions travel, learning a foreign language etc and try to not worry that there is something wrong with you. I know what it's like to keep trying and being convinced that everybody else has some secret quality that gets them boyfriends.
FWIW I met my husband shortly after my 29th birthday and seven years later we are still very happy.
I was so fed up of people saying that it would happen when I least expected it and I just decided to get on with my life. I ran a half marathon that year, went to Thailand on my own and just did things that I would usually avoid doing.
And then one day I was on some app and we just matched.
My point is that it will very likely happen but you don't know when. So concentrate on the things that you can control and make yourself happy that way.
Also 32k is not to be sniffed at. Xx

Join a road cycling club that's where all the men are

Also I'm always being told it's a numbers game

It is plus luck and timing.

If you’re not having any luck on Tinser or Bumble then maybe look on a different app. Some of the dating sites such as OKCupid or eHarmony suggest matches based on personality/ values etc and not just location/ age - maybe these would be more successful for you?

Ah OP I could have written your post 5 years ago. All my friends were in relationships, I had dated a string of men which all ended badly. In hindsight it really wasn't anything I was doing (apart from picking poorly). I put everything into work, exercise, going out, anything to distract myself and convince myself I wasn't lonely. Sunday's were total torture and I found myself quite often looking forward to Monday morning.

As cliched as it is, I met my now (DH) when I stopped trying and had basically given up. I knew from the first date he was the one, despite the fact that looks wise he was very different from my usual type. Within 3 years we moved in, got married and had a baby.

Don't write it off - it will happen for you! Just be kind to yourself and remember if it doesn't work out with someone, it isn't just you.

Would you consider moving to London? 29 is considered very young to be settled down here. People tend to settle into long term relationships in their mid thirties in London and you will have lots of choice. Plus you might meet some more single girlfriends too.

I was feeling exactly the same as you, but then that one final tinder date happened, I met my DP, we've been together 2.5 years and now have a beautiful 9 month old DD. What I'm trying to say is, you never know what is around the corner, so I wouldn't give up hope. Not yet anyway. Though I completely understand how you feel, it really can suck being on your own

You sound great OP. A wildcard suggestion, but if you like educated, unconventional types you could do worse than attend the public lectures at your local University (which often have receptions afterwards). If you find a subject you are interested in, most departments do regular evening talk type things too. Round here (I'm in a Northern city) we have something called 'Pint of Science', which are interesting talks on science topics aimed at the layperson in pubs.

Oh christ no, it's not a numbers game.

I met my OH completely randomly, through a mutual friend, online (not via a dating site because I was happily single). And we just clicked. From the very first conversation we had, we just had an instant connection. Neither of us were looking for anything or anyone. We just had things in common.

You're still young & sound like you have so much going for you. I was a single parent in my 30s with two kids in tow. Dating sites are a bit of a market - I'd never have looked twice at my OH if I'd seen him on there & I'm fairly sure he'd have run a mile from me too. Don't think it has to happen one way - I know it's a fucking cliche, but sometimes they just turn up.