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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not give her a lift?

52 replies

hello365 · 15/09/2018 17:21

I have my driving test in 2 weeks time and if I pass I'll be getting a car and driving to work. One of my colleagues lives further up my street. I don't speak to her much at work and I don't consider her a friend. On the rare occasion that we chat she always asks how my driving lessons are going. I'm not sure if she's just making conversation or trying to hint that she'd like a lift to work when I pass so she wouldn't have to get the bus anymore.

I think sitting in the car with her would be awkward as we'd have nothing to talk about and I feel that as it's my car that I've paid for with my own money that I shouldn't have to share it if I don't want to. I wouldn't mind on rare occasions if it was raining or something, but I don't want it to become a regular thing. I hate conflict so if she directly asked me for a lift I'd feel very guilty about saying no.

AIBU to not want to give her a lift? How can I do this without looking mean?

OP posts:

Reaa · 15/09/2018 17:25

Prior engagement before work/after work

Too nervous after just passing to have passengers.

BarryManilowRocks · 15/09/2018 17:26

Just say "sorry - that doesn't work for me." And wander off....

Paperdolly · 15/09/2018 17:26

Say something like. It's funny you should ask as someone else asked the other day and like you I had to turn her down. I like the freedom of changing my route sometimes to go via different places so I could never guarantee you getting to work/ home on time, sorry. 😊

Or you could say. That would be helpful as we could agree money towards petrol. How about £300 a week? 😂

GaraMedouar · 15/09/2018 17:26

YANBU at all. I know what you mean, sitting in the car for me it's a chill out time. I'd hate someone on with me all the time, the odd lift I could cope with but that's about it. It's a difficult one though if she asks directly.

BadLad · 15/09/2018 17:26

You wait for her to bring it up, and then say "Nope. That won't work for me".

There will be a bit of sulking from her st first but when she realises you won't reconsider, she'll get over it.

It's much harder to pull out of lifts that you've been giving than it is to refuse them from the start,

worknamechanged · 15/09/2018 17:27

I don’t think it would be awkward, the first few days might feel weird but you’d get to know each other. You can always just listen to the radio.

But I often give people lifts (work etc) so I may not be the best to comment!

crazycatlady5 · 15/09/2018 17:27

I'm not sure if she's just making conversation or trying to hint that she'd like a lift to work when I pass so she wouldn't have to get the bus anymore.

Seems a bit presumptuous - maybe she’s just being friendly?

Spacezombies · 15/09/2018 17:28

You could split the petrol cost with her.... makes your drive to work a bit cheaper?

Just looking for the silver lining if you end up doing it

Reaa · 15/09/2018 17:28

Next time she asks about your driving lessons, ask when she's going to start hers.

Sequencedress · 15/09/2018 17:35

If she does ask then just say, ‘No, sorry!’ Bright and breezy, then ‘so, what about that tv programme last night?’ Don’t give a reason as people do tend to love to find workarounds. Her not driving is not your problem. If you choose to give her a lift when it’s raining then great, but make sure she knows it’s a one off. Don’t be afraid to be assertive if she does ask (which she may not) as she’s not afraid to ask

Sparklesocks · 15/09/2018 17:38

YANBU to not give her a lift, but as she hasn’t outright asked I wouldn’t worry about it yet.

riceuten · 15/09/2018 17:41

If this happened to me, I'd wait to be invited. Plenty of people drive to the centre of the town where I live at the time I go to the train station there, but I personally wouldn't dream of asking them. They may not feel comfortable to give me a lift. They may not want to be committed to doing so every day at a particular time, all of which I understand completely. If they did, of course I would offer to (part) pay fuel costs.

All of the above are what anyone reasonable would think.

WorraLiberty · 15/09/2018 17:42

Please don't assume any non driver is desperate for a lift. It can be quite annoying.

LeftRightCentre · 15/09/2018 17:46

I'd just be non-committal in my response. 'Still ticking along' and not even tell her when you pass.

Original poster

hello365 · 15/09/2018 17:55

Thank you for all your responses!

She told me she'd done 20-30 driving lessons a few years ago, but never booked her test. She also frequently complains about the £15 a week bus pass so I doubt she'd want to pay any petrol money.

OP posts:

Spacezombies · 15/09/2018 17:57

If I were car sharing with someone, their paying of the petrol money wouldn't be optional!

You absolutely don't need to drive her and don't let her make you feel guilty if she asks and you say no. But if you get sucked into it, make her split the cost.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/09/2018 18:06

Don't tell her when you are taking your test, and if you pass. If she asks you, just say no its not convenient.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/09/2018 18:07

just keep saying fine thanks, everytime she asks about your driving. If she asks if your taking your test, tell her don't know, not quite ready yet.

KatsutheClockworkOctopus · 15/09/2018 18:09

Worraliberty is right. It's a bit of a leap to assume she's angling for a lift. I suspect it's more that your driving lessons are the only thing she can think of to make small talk about given you don't speak to her much and aren't friends.

CruCru · 15/09/2018 18:11

Realistically if you don’t know each other very well, it may just be that one of the only things she knows about you is that you’re having driving lessons - so she makes conversation about that.

A bit like me knowing that XYZ has three children and grew up in St Albans. I’d make conversation about those things - it wouldn’t mean that I’d want anything.

sonjadog · 15/09/2018 18:12

Just say that you don't want to get tied down as you'll want to do stuff before/after spontaneously. That's the polite way to let someone down.

If I asked some one for a lift and they replied "No, that doesn't work for me," I would think they were rude and weird and avoid them in future. I don't know why it is continually suggested as a response on MN. It´s weird and makes you seem like you have poor comprehension and language skills. Tailor your "no" to the question being asked.

ElainaElephant · 15/09/2018 18:12

Maybe start moaning about the cost of a car, insurance, fuel, car tax etc, and how the bus pass is SO much cheaper.

I was in a city recently with an amazing bus system that you can access fully for £50 per month. I was daydreaming about how much money is save if I lived there as I wouldn't need a car.

(I live rurally)

WorraLiberty · 15/09/2018 18:17

She also frequently complains about the £15 a week bus pass so I doubt she'd want to pay any petrol money.

How can she frequently complain if you only chat on rare occasions?

Original poster

hello365 · 15/09/2018 18:21

Worra She mentions it every time we speak.

OP posts:

LorelaiRoryEmily · 15/09/2018 18:21

Maybe stop looking for snow when Therese none falling op. She hasn’t asked you. If she does then of course ywnbu to say no, but yabvvu to bother posting about something that may not ever even happen.

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