Friends OH

[AnnabethChase]

My friends other half recently started sending me daft stuff on WhatsApp. By daft I mean silly memes or videos of people falling over. Stuff that’d just make you chuckle then you carry on your day, sort of thing. This past week he’s suddenly upped his game and has started sending me porn videos and memes. I spoke to him in person about it and said to drop the rude stuff, didn’t want his other half getting the wrong idea. Now he has completely gone silent on me. I don’t know if I’ve embarrassed him or he’s in a huff (he has form for this). It won’t be because he’s realised they’re inappropriate as he said he deletes the whole thread and she never sees what he’s sent, so he already knows they’re inappropriate. AIBU to avoid him? How would I explain it to his OH because she would notice as I see them a lot and she would ask what’s up?

Thank you

Thankyou for your replies, I have taken everything everyone’s said on board.

I’ve had radio silence off him today which is unusual as he’d normally have sent me a bunch of daft memes by now but I’m hoping that my word in his ear has made him back off and I won’t hear from him in a hurry. I will however see him this afternoon so I will see what kind of reception I get from him as to whether he’s in a strop or is genuinely embarrassed about the ‘other’ messages.

Just another point of view here; if it were me I would tell her. For two reasons. One being that if this somehow comes out down the line and you hadn't told her, I'd be asking myself why not. And that might make me think you were more complicit in things than if you'd told me straight up at the time that things got weird (i.e. when the porn started).

Secondly you say you don't want her to suffer the hurt. Yes, it will probably hurt her a lot. But it will hurt her a lot less than her finding out in how ever many years that he's been a massive, unfaithful shit (because this will escalate, he will find a willing participant, if he hasn't already) and for her to find out that she could have avoided that whole situation if only she'd had this piece of information earlier on.

Thankyou for your response.

In all honesty, I don’t think he’s sent anything like this to another female, which makes me think he was swinging towards an eventual shag as pp have already said. That’s an awful thought because I thought he was a nice ‘family’ guy.

I need to do this my way and that is at the minute to leave it and hope to high hope he leaves me alone.

Hi everyone, just wanted to post a quick update.

FOH (friends OH) came and spoke to me today himself. I deliberately kept away from him but he saw me and came over. He said he was really sorry for sending the porn videos, didn’t mean to offend me, realised it was a sleazy thing to do and said he’d understand if I never wanted to speak to him again... I said that he appreciate his apology and respect him for it. I then got called away so didn’t get chance to say anything else.

Should I now draw a line under this whole thing and keep my distance? That’s what I’d like to do.

Screen shot and send it to her!

You respect him for his attempt at damage limitation, because he’s panicking you’ll tell his partner?

He knew exactly what he was doing when he sent you porn. What he said was complete bullshit. He’ll move on to the next woman he might half suspect he has a glimmer of a hope with.

I respect him for having the decency to apologise. He seemed very genuine but I appreciate your comment and understand what you’re saying. It doesn’t mean that I trust him though, my saying I respect him for apologising.

If you don't want to tell her then don't. But I would never respect him. Who sends unsolicited porn? That feels akin to a sex offence to me - it's horrible!

@sourpatchkid

I guess I probably just said it to make him go away. As I say he seemed genuine like he realised he’d screwed up big time. I’m kerping away from him now either way, I don’t need to discuss it with him again.