Friends OH

[AnnabethChase]

My friends other half recently started sending me daft stuff on WhatsApp. By daft I mean silly memes or videos of people falling over. Stuff that’d just make you chuckle then you carry on your day, sort of thing. This past week he’s suddenly upped his game and has started sending me porn videos and memes. I spoke to him in person about it and said to drop the rude stuff, didn’t want his other half getting the wrong idea. Now he has completely gone silent on me. I don’t know if I’ve embarrassed him or he’s in a huff (he has form for this). It won’t be because he’s realised they’re inappropriate as he said he deletes the whole thread and she never sees what he’s sent, so he already knows they’re inappropriate. AIBU to avoid him? How would I explain it to his OH because she would notice as I see them a lot and she would ask what’s up?

Thank you

Oh god this is a familiar situation

If I were you I would just back off quietly from both of them for everybody's sake.
I was in this situation a few years ago and it still makes me angry.

I made friends with a woman when pregnant. We became part of a group of friends who all had babies at the same time and would see each other every week. She was closest to me and I thought of her as my best friend for some time as I split with Ds's dad shortly after he was born and was so grateful for support leaving an abusive relationship.
I saw her loads while she was on mat leave and in hindsight probably thought she was a closer friend than what she saw me as due to just needing people to chat to, it was always me calling her and arranging things with her ect but she was lovely to me all the same and a gorgeous person.
I got to know her hubby as well as some of the other husbands in the group and all was normal although he was different to the others. More hands on, over friendly, jokey and feminine.
When friend finished mat leave her husband was left with their dd in the daytime as he worked evenings. I lived the closet to them so he used to txt me often asking if he could come round for a play with dd, always xx on the end of a message just like she did.
At this point the babies were all seeing each other as part of this group regularly and all in touch and I didn't want him to feel excluded because he was a dad so always tried to treat him the same as what I would any of the mums. Friend was aware he would come and play with us in the daytime and whenever friend was off work I would see her. This went on for about 3 years, me treating him no different to her and then after 3 years he starts txting me odd things. It just escalated, I threatened to tell his wife, he came round to my house in the nighttime when he thought she was at work and pushed me against a wall trying to kiss me, telling me he loved me and he wanted a divorce, he wouldn't take no for an answer. He would txt and txt and I kept telling him to leave me alone or I would tell his wife. He would come round to my house at random times and stand at the door banging and ringing me and id have to pretend I wasn't in because otherwise he just wouldn't stop. He would leave things on my front garden like sorry presents but Just would not get the message at all. He wouldn't stop so I told my friend and sent her some screenshots.
He had said horrible things about their marriage like she made him feel physically sick and he felt trapped. She stayed with him and cut contact with me because he was her husband.
In hindsight I know it's easy to say but if I hadn't been friendly with him at the start i don't think he would have felt ok doing any of that stuff. I used to reply to him with xx after a while because it just seemed the norm. I saw it as nothing other than one of the other parents. Hope he stops op

Also I second what previous poster said about your friendship being more important than him. It is

You won't come out of this friends. They are married and have a child. She won't be able to accept it (straight away - maybe in time) and it will ruin your friendship.

I really don’t think she has a ‘right ‘ or a ‘duty’ to tell her friend

Sooner or later his colours will emerge and the friend will need a friend to support her

But more importantly why should the good thing - their friendship - be ruined (as mark my words it will be) because Of this twats actions ? That’s the rub for me - seems unfair - he is in the wrong and why should OP lose out and lose her support network in addition to getting vile texts

Thanks for all replies; have read through them all and taken on board opinions. I think I am going to keep quiet at this time. If however he starts again with the filthy messages then I will think through carefully how to deal with it. However I don’t think he’d worry about me telling her as I think (as I said up post) that he knows very well how to manipulate her and convince her I was in the wrong. Another poster also said to see what happens and this is the approach I’m going to take for now.

FWIW I think you're wrong, you have not created a situation whereby you and he are colluding to kee a secret from your friend and so the entire dynamic of your friendship is shifted. Your loyalty is being shown to her DP not her and you are excluding her from the truth. I really think that will come back to bite you. But obviously this is your decision.

*now created

I agree Rainycloudyday

You are protecting yourself and him. Selfish

I have to say, I thought that you were putting yourself before your friend by not telling her.

That said, I am not comfortable with the responsibility for this situation being put on a woman who did nothing to invite it and did not deserve to be put in this position.

He is the one in the wrong, and he is the only one in the wrong.

I think not telling her is selfish, but I don’t think any of this is fair on you either.

Even if you don't agree it's selfish, it's letting a man you know full well is a bastard get away with it, and it could easily come back to bite you on the bum too. I know it's not easy, but I think it's the wrong decision to keep quiet

Friends DP of 20 years did this. At the time they were both friends. She ended up being one of my best friends. I decided what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. He told her I'd tried it on but luckily she didn't believe him and she was on the point of leaving him.

When the penny finally dropped that he was a faithless cunt about 12 months after she left him she asked me and I came clean.

I've had this situation happen in 2 long term relationships. The second time I found out after I'd lost all feelings for him apart from hate. It didn't hurt but just made sense of a lot of other stuff. (OW wasn't a friend.)

Is it relevant that your friend is kind & supportive to you at this time - you mentioned ishoos with an other friend (OF) Is this a mutual friend?

I wonder if the OH is put out by yr friend’s loyalty to you, maybe he feels neglected or ignored, maybe his OH is beyond his locus of control?

Is theOF known in any way to this couple?

I have a sense that the OH is looking to make it hard for you to turn to your friend/ has some tie-in with the OF/is a creep who relies on your vulnerability to harass or wind you up/knows you won’t dob him in to your friend as she means much to you (delete as required).

Yr friend says he is manipulative, so you know he has form & is adept at this. He sounds a nasty piece of work & this may not be the only skirmish you have with him.

I suggest you keep you powder dry at this stage, not mention it to your friend right now & prepare to get tough with him if he comes near you.

Screen shot the thread, email images to an account & leave the msg unopened - audit trail. Get that vile thread off your phone, as while it is there, he is living in your head rent free - but make sure you back it up first for audit trail.
Get a voice recorder app on your phone & have it running anytime he is near you. He is most likely to make fly-by comments than have a clear cut conversation with you.
If you need to speak on the subject again to him, tell him you’ll take any inappropriate threads, not to his wife, but to the police as he is harassing you.

It is NOT you, it is him.

@UniversalAunt

The OF isn’t known to the two people in this thread. I’ve just spoken to friend about OF and asked her opinion and she’s given it.

To all others saying it’s selfish and I’m only thinking of me and him, I appreciate what you’re saying. But for now, I need to keep quiet as I don’t want to hurt her with this knowledge, however, if he starts messaging me again (as it could start tomorrow when he’s at work), I will talk to her.

Just out of interest does anyone know WhatsApp well? I’ve had people send messages to me before and delete them from both of our threads. Can he do this too? I’ve never been able to fathom that out myself.

I think you can delete for others if you do it within a certain time limit. Although i have noticed the option recently when deleting so that may have changed. Screen shot to be safe.

Thanks @mikado1. I was just wondering, if he had deleted the thread from his phone, if it would/could have deleted it off mine but it hasn’t. Either way screenshots done and emailed to myself as suggested.

I'd want my friend to tell me if it was me.

I genuinely don’t understand why you WOULDN’T tell her. You haven’t done anything wrong - and he has on a massive scale. Tell her the truth, it started with him sending you jokes and it escalated to this. Show her the thread. Hopefully you have never replied inappropriately so she can see it all for herself. No matter what the consequences (losing her as a friend) it is the right thing to do. And if you don’t tell her, then surely your friendship is tainted anyway, as you are keeping this huge secret about her husband from her. Keeping quiet is colluding WITH him. Tell her.

What a horrible situation to be put in and of course not your fault OP! First of all, he's was testing the waters under the guise of jokey-matey type texts so that he can deny meaning anything serious of caught out or rejected (which you rightly did).

Honestly, I would probably tell your friend and show her the message, also be prepared to her lose her friendship over it. It's not right that you should be forced into being part of the secret of his shitty behaviour.

I would be careful how I explained this to your friend, I'd make sure to tell her that I don't know if it means anything and it could just be his stupid sense of humour but I don't feel comfortable about it and don't feel right staying silent because it feels like I'm in on a secret now. Then let her come to her own conclusions. She may blow it off as harmless or she may not, that's not your responsibility. If nothing else you can explain that you don't want to receive unsolicited porn from anyone male or female friend.

In these situations I always say if you don't say something I'd think m you were siding with him. If you were my friend I'd expect you to tell me, else it would be the end of our friendship.

The fact that he deletes his messages to you from his phone is more than enough evidence of his intentions. He doesn't want your friend to see. It's not innocent.

I'd tell her. Otherwise you're part of the guilty party by default.

Honestly if you were my friend I would 100% want to know what my partner was doing. I'd be really upset with you if I found out you'd been hiding it from me.

He's a complete arsehole who will end up cheating on her anyway, if he hasn't already. I think she has a right to know what sort of a person she's with.

I totally agree with Kitty, if a close friend of mine kept something like this from me then they would no longer be a friend. They are the people you should be able to trust. You 100% should tell her. If he can try it with you, a close friend of hers, who else is he sending stuff like this to, or more. I seriously don't know how you could even contemplate keeping it from her.

I am torn about telling friend right now. It is not right to lie to your friend or collude with a secret set up by the husband. But OP has not set this secret or lie up, she is caught in a difficult enough position with a man’s unwanted attention, let alone the dilemma to tell her friend.

If the man’s wife were not your friend, would you go out of your way to tell her, assuming you had told him to sling his hook etc? Would you tell your friend if you had found out he had done this to another woman none of you knew?

If I were the friend, would I want to know right now this minute? Would it matter to me that my friend had told my H to stop & desist going so far into dodgy content? ...& he kept on doing it so she went to the police as she said she would?

Knowing that my H can be manipulative or face this out, do I want to know? Because I might have to choose between my marriage or my friend? Maybe this is the proverbial straw & I’ll LTB?

That my friend took a few days to get through her anger, work out what best to do & how to do it, do I mind? No.

I would certainly want to know if she was about to go to the police because he had been harassing her, after being clearly told to stop, & the dickhead had just carried on.

OP you cannot let your friend continue to love in ignorance of what a gross, betraying piece of shit she’s shacked up with.

You would only say nothing to save yourself hassle. Can you stand by that decision?

You have evidence. He was obviously trying to line you up as a shag. So disrespectful to you as well - and so entitled, so sexist and so casual.

I think you have to show her.