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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU... Should I invite brother & SIL?

42 replies

Ellahellabella · 15/09/2018 04:03

So, my partner and I are pretty much engaged (no ring yet but it’ll happen) and we talk about wedding ideas quite frequently. I can picture every single detail of the kind of wedding I want (thank you Pinterest) but I always seem to get stumped on one thing. Six years ago my brother got married and I wasn’t allowed to attend the wedding. My brother and I have a serious personality clash and have never been close, but his partner and I got in well and she asked me to be a bridesmaid. During the planning process, both the MOTB and MOH did everything they could to try and push my buttons. I have mental health issues and at the time I was struggling (this is well known to everyone) but when I tried to talk to my SIL she always sided with them as they would say I was lying because I’m crazy. By the time the hen party happened, I was hating all of them and the whole process but I was trying SO HARD, I felt like everyone was expecting me to snap and go on a killing spree. On the night of the hen do, I was the only one not drinking (due to meds) so I remember everything. I was incredibly kind to all the drunk guests, offering her sister my flats because she was so drunk she couldn’t walk. I endured the crowds of a nightclub despite having a fear of being touched and photosensitive seizures. I was pretty proud of how I coped. Well the next day, the MOTB and MOH told my brother the biggest pile of lies you’ve ever heard, all based around my “inappropriate behaviour” because I’m “one brick short of a house.” My brother delightfully used this as an excuse to uninvite me to the wedding which caused one hell of a mental breakdown, I had done everything to keep it together and instead of seeing that, everyone just used my mental health issues as what they believed to be a valid reason.

Fast-forward to today - I still have mental health issues, I still don’t like crowds, and unsurprisingly I still don’t forgive them for their behaviour. He’s my only sibling, they now have a kid, but to be honest I really don’t care about their feelings. If my “issues” were the problem, then I could argue that they shouldn’t be there in case I “behave inappropriately”. AIBU or just petty? People I’ve spoken to are divided. It’ll cause a serious crap storm but ultimately it’s my day and they deserve it IMO.

Tell me your thoughts.

OP posts:

LoveAGoodChat · 15/09/2018 04:16

Op I'm assuming since he is your brother not is your mother too?

Op only you can decide whether to invite them but if I had a mother that made up lies about me like that she wouldn't be coming to my wedding, neither would my brother and his wife (if your sil was at the hen do why didn't she stick up for you the next day when mob and your mother started saying those horrible things about you)

Your wedding day is supposed to be your special day and be memorable to you for your whole life (memorable as in you will never forget the day you married your husband as it is YOUR wedding day) so the last thing you want and need in the run up to your wedding day and on the day itself is the stress and worry that these people may start causing trouble at your wedding or telling lies about your mental health..I would not invite them (including your mother) if it was my wedding, I wouldn't want the day to be potentially spoiled by any of them starting something from nothing

LoveAGoodChat · 15/09/2018 04:17

*mob is your mother too?...not....not is your mother too?

Banana8080 · 15/09/2018 04:18

Don’t invite them of you don’t want too!!

Original poster

Ellahellabella · 15/09/2018 04:27

Sorry I should've been clearer! The MOTB mentioned was HER mother, my brother's mother-in-law. She's THE DEVIL. She obviously wouldn't be at my wedding but the question mark is surrounding my brother and his wife. I honestly was horrified that she all let them get away with treating me like that, hence my uncertainty.

OP posts:

hadenough · 15/09/2018 04:35

I wouldn't invite them. It's your day and should be the day you want, without any distractions/extra anxieties.

From the sounds of it, you don't get on with your brother, and you're not close to him.

I know this is harsh, but just because you're related to someone, it doesn't mean you have an obligation to include them in your life.

Design the day you want, and enjoy it.

SailAwayWithMeHuni · 15/09/2018 04:42

How is your relationship with them both now? This is what would make my decision.

MarthasGinYard · 15/09/2018 04:49

What did your SIL say about your wedding ban?

Were you not chosen by her to be a bridesmaid?

What did you allegedly do that was so bad?

How is your relationship now?

Longdistance · 15/09/2018 04:51

I wouldn’t invite them. I’d be ashamed of my dB if he took their side and didn’t believe me.
The MOTB sounds like a nasty piece of work, and I’m surprised your sil didn’t say anything, so she’s just as bad.

You invite whoever you want to your wedding. You’re paying for it.

Igorina · 15/09/2018 04:53

How did they feel you behaved inappropriately?

WombOfOnesOwn · 15/09/2018 04:58

What was the supposed inappropriate behavior?

missperegrinespeculiar · 15/09/2018 04:59

Correct me if I am wrong, but it seems to me from what you say that they have simply decided, on the basis of your mental health issues, that you are a "weirdo" and so anything you do, which would not be an issue if somebody else did it, becomes "odd" and "inappropriate", so no comprehension of the effort you make but just judgement, is that right? if so, frankly, they are the kind of people I would have no time for, and you would be more than justified to want nothing to do with them

however, how much of a problem would it be with the rest of the family? how much stress would it cause you? in the end, do what's best for you, they do not deserve you going out of your way for them!

Original poster

Ellahellabella · 15/09/2018 05:05

Apparently my inappropriate behaviour was that I was rude, I declined drinks, I wouldn't dance, and I was just generally being difficult. Nothing actually specific. My SIL is a pushover and her mum is one hell of a bulldozer, she doesn't stand up to her. I was fuming as I was invited as HER bridesmaid and yet my brother made the decision, she didn't challenge it. Our relationship was civil for a few years despite him being overly patronising and smug. Since his kid was born though it's declined massively due to his major insensitivity (I had a stillborn) and yet he can't understand why I can't bond with my nephew.

Saying all of this has pretty much confirmed my decision to not invite them! They can experience my day through the joy of social media.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ellahellabella · 15/09/2018 05:11

Most of my characteristics would just be seen as quirky if it was someone else but they immediately question my sanity and assume I haven't taken my meds. I also get a lot of grief from them for being on disability. My parents would understand my decision, they knew how much it upset me. Even if I decided to invite them I doubt my partner would let them through the door, he can't stand them!

Thanks for your advice ladies! x

OP posts:

Sunshine365 · 15/09/2018 05:40

I wouldn’t invite them.

With whom would it cause a crapstorm? Anybody but your brother and SIL? Anyone who wouldn’t understand why you wouldn’t invite them isn’t worth worrying about in my opinion. I’m amazed you still have any contact with them anyway.

Silvercatowner · 15/09/2018 05:58

It's your wedding - invite who you want. But I'd be interested to hear their perspective of what happened - I suspect it would be very different.

Izzygrey · 15/09/2018 06:04

If your SIL didn't stand up for you then she's not your friend. Don't invite them to your wedding! They sound awful.

justilou1 · 15/09/2018 06:40

Nope!!! You deserve to enjoy your day. Sounds like your brother might have issues of his own, OP. Be happy and don’t question yourself. (But do expect a “Where’s my invitation?!?!” phonecall... Sounds like your DB rather likes a confrontation.)

DanglyBangly · 15/09/2018 06:47

I think it really depends on how your relationship is with them now (how often do you seem them? Is it relaxed or tense? Do you buy nephew presents etc.?) and also, what you want your relationship to be with them in the future? Because not inviting them could burn that bridge forever - do you care about that?

YourMilkshakeIsBetterThanMine · 15/09/2018 06:48

I wouldn't invite them tbh. They turned their back on family first, not you.

PragmaticWench · 15/09/2018 06:49

Would you and your partner enjoy your wedding day with your brother and SIL there?

If not, just don't invite them. Why have people there who upset you??

powerwalk · 15/09/2018 06:56

If you have mental health issues some support and understanding should have been forthcoming from your brother and his wife.

I wouldn’t invite them, absolutely not.

Merryoldgoat · 15/09/2018 07:02

Do not invite them.

I do wonder at your parents though. If my son behaved like that to his sibling I’d be having serious words and I wouldn’t have attended his wedding.

Have they enabled his behaviour?

bimbobaggins · 15/09/2018 07:27

No I wouldn’t invite them there. You or your partner don’t want them there and would only be inviting them out of duty. Don’t do it.

Umpteenthingsclean · 15/09/2018 07:37

To be honest, if write off the relationship with their bairn too. Seeing him is going to mean seeing them and it's just not worth it.

NC all the way. We're NC with both sets of family and it's fixed things.

junebirthdaygirl · 15/09/2018 07:38

Have you said to your db that you can't bond with your nephew as that sounds quite a shocking thing to say about their child. I know having a still born baby is horrendous but your little nephew is a person in his own right deserving of love. I had a stillborn baby first but adored my nephews and nieces as they brought me much joy after such a painful time. Are you sure you are not stirring up trouble with your db/ sil ?
If you rejected my child l would be hhappy enough not to be invited to your wedding so maybe they won't care.

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