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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... Should I invite brother & SIL?

42 replies

Ellahellabella · 15/09/2018 04:03

So, my partner and I are pretty much engaged (no ring yet but it’ll happen) and we talk about wedding ideas quite frequently. I can picture every single detail of the kind of wedding I want (thank you Pinterest) but I always seem to get stumped on one thing. Six years ago my brother got married and I wasn’t allowed to attend the wedding. My brother and I have a serious personality clash and have never been close, but his partner and I got in well and she asked me to be a bridesmaid. During the planning process, both the MOTB and MOH did everything they could to try and push my buttons. I have mental health issues and at the time I was struggling (this is well known to everyone) but when I tried to talk to my SIL she always sided with them as they would say I was lying because I’m crazy. By the time the hen party happened, I was hating all of them and the whole process but I was trying SO HARD, I felt like everyone was expecting me to snap and go on a killing spree. On the night of the hen do, I was the only one not drinking (due to meds) so I remember everything. I was incredibly kind to all the drunk guests, offering her sister my flats because she was so drunk she couldn’t walk. I endured the crowds of a nightclub despite having a fear of being touched and photosensitive seizures. I was pretty proud of how I coped. Well the next day, the MOTB and MOH told my brother the biggest pile of lies you’ve ever heard, all based around my “inappropriate behaviour” because I’m “one brick short of a house.” My brother delightfully used this as an excuse to uninvite me to the wedding which caused one hell of a mental breakdown, I had done everything to keep it together and instead of seeing that, everyone just used my mental health issues as what they believed to be a valid reason.

Fast-forward to today - I still have mental health issues, I still don’t like crowds, and unsurprisingly I still don’t forgive them for their behaviour. He’s my only sibling, they now have a kid, but to be honest I really don’t care about their feelings. If my “issues” were the problem, then I could argue that they shouldn’t be there in case I “behave inappropriately”. AIBU or just petty? People I’ve spoken to are divided. It’ll cause a serious crap storm but ultimately it’s my day and they deserve it IMO.

Tell me your thoughts.

OP posts:
Cutietips · 15/09/2018 07:41

So sorry for your loss OP Flowers. If your brother doesn’t stand up for you against his mother in law and is insensitive about you losing a child, I don’t think I’d invite him if I were you. He’s unlikely to suddenly behave well just because it’s your wedding, and he may even cause some drama. It sounds like you’ve got nothing to gain by inviting him and quite a lot to lose! I’d not make a fuss about it though or try to justify it to anyone as they may try to guilt you into changing your decision.

I agree with Merryoldgoat though. Why aren’t your parents challenging his behaviour?

ZenNudist · 15/09/2018 07:46

Sounds toxic dont have them at your big day

TidyDancer · 15/09/2018 07:47

There's no way I would invite them in those circumstances and neither should they expect to be invited.

RainySeptember · 15/09/2018 07:48

I'd park this until you're actually engaged, it could be years before your wedding and a lot can change.

If things are still as they are, I wouldn't invite them. I doubt they'd expect to be invited. It sounds like they're at peace with not having you in their lives and would have understood the ramifications of uninviting you from their own wedding.

Returnofthesmileybar · 15/09/2018 08:16

If your parents understand and he is your only sibling then who will cause the shitstorm if you don't invite them? I had assumed your parents until I read you had their support but if it's your brother and sil well frankly fuck them. He sounds horrible, neither are a loss, no invite and no stress about it

MarthasGinYard · 15/09/2018 09:33

'I'd park this until you're actually engaged, it could be years before your wedding and a lot can change.'

BarbarianMum · 15/09/2018 09:38

Seriously? Hell no I wouldnt invite them. Nor would I agonise over not inviting them, they sound awful.

flossietoot · 15/09/2018 09:40

Hang on- you aren’t even engaged yet and already thinking about this. Stop fretting about something that may not even be an issue when the time comes.

sparklepops123 · 15/09/2018 09:55

Sounds like however you behaved you were always going to be criticised. No I wouldn't invite them, they'd only bring negativity with them. Have a great day

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 15/09/2018 09:57

I think it’s understandable the ops thinking about this even though not officially engaged. She’s discussing weddings with her partner so the thought of who is invited is bound to be on her mind.

To be honest they sound toxic. Yes his mil sounds like she had it out for you but neither your brother or his wife defended you. And as for not bonding with your nephew Flowers honestly I have no words.

Personally I’d sack them all off and not just for the wedding. Just because you’re related by blood doesn’t mean you have to stick by even when they’re being hideous to you. Take care of yourself and have a lovely wedding.

Fireworks91 · 15/09/2018 10:03

Nah. And if they ask, just say "I'm one brick short of a house remember, why on earth would you want to be there?"

Inertia · 15/09/2018 10:11

Sorry for your loss, and for the way you were subsequently treated.

Don't invite brother, it'll just cause stress you don't need.

averythinline · 15/09/2018 10:17

Why would you invite them?

is he going to add anything positive to your day

if the answer to that is no then he should not be invited

anyone that even mentions that he should be coming just say no...or to be mischievious say its a family tradition to not invite siblings to weddings..

hellabellabluebell · 15/09/2018 10:17

Just to be clear I didn't start this dilemma on my own, it was my mother who initially asked and then it became up for debate. I've only met my nephew once (they live far away) and the entire time I saw him I was berated for not cooing over him like everyone else. It massively put me off trying to bond with him if it meant seeing them too. We'll probably get married next year and it'll be a very small ceremony so picking guests is a detail I want to think about now. Also the minute we announce that we're getting married then they'll want to know their roles and I want to be prepared with my answer. It's quite clear though that they'll be staying home that day Smile

averythinline · 15/09/2018 10:30

yes - you do need to think about it...if you've only met your nephew once there is no such thing as 'bonding'

however I do think you need to set your mum straight... he uninvited you from his wedding..because you didn't dance enough at the hen do and have had problems with your mental health...

I would have problems with an invite that would be declined for form/family sake as it keeps the power with 'golden child'

you may want to think about your mums role in that ...what did she she when he univited you?

Parpulous · 15/09/2018 10:40

Don't invite your brother, you don't owe him an invite. Especially if he's been a total arse to you. Plan a wedding that you're comfortable with, with people you love and know support you Flowers

ohfourfoxache · 15/09/2018 10:45

Like fuck would I invite them. Hell would have a snow storm first.

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