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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be having a ‘nervous breakdown’ over what DH thinks is trivial

65 replies

CreativeBee · 14/09/2018 18:20

Ok so may be nervous breakdown is OTT but it definitely feels like it.
Last week we decided to decorate DS (18) bedroom. DS has been sleeping on the dining room couch during summer hols due to the heat (his room is in the attic and it was sweltering) but refused to go back to his room because it was a state. Anyways nothing got done during the holidays and a week before DC went back to school/college DH decided he had time so we should not only de clutter the WHOLE house but paint DS room too.
Anyways, the house looks worse than it ever has, I can’t do much as I have a really bad back, DS room is nearly painted (DH has run out of paint and was meant to get paint 2 days ago but is now at work) DH is now trying to finish everything after work which means we’re not getting to bed till 2am but still need to be up at 6.30am for DC school run. The wardrobe is up, we still have a chest of drawers to put up, everything is everywhere and the straw that broke the camels back, DS bed arrived today (bought new of eBay) and it was the wrong bed!!! So I rang the company up and the person blatantly lied to me saying I’d ordered the wrong item (got photos of the advert to prove I haven’t). Long story short I got so vexed that I ended up swearing at the guy (not me at all). The stress has got to me so much that yesterday I ended up walking out in the middle of the night.
So not to drip feed, I suffer from anxiety and it gets worse with clutter and lack of organisation. I just can’t stand the mess everywhere and nothing in its place. DH said I’m BU but in my defence why start something you can’t give time to, he doesn’t work a set time which means that I never know when anything is going to get done. If I am BU please advise me on how to deal with my situation.

OP posts:

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/09/2018 00:45

Get onto pest control... You need to get the whole house fumigated...

Stop your son sleeping and infesting more furniture...

Make it a condition of him living there that basic hygiene is adhered to...

He absolutely should be helping with decorating... If he fucks it up.. He can live with it.

Singlenotsingle · 15/09/2018 07:21

If you've got a garage or shed, put him a mattress on the floor and tell him that's where he's sleeping for the foreseeable. Seriously. If you let him sleep on the sofa you might find the sofa's infested too.

Believeitornot · 15/09/2018 07:26

Let your ds finish the painting. He can sort it. Same with the bed.

Tell your dh to get one room sorted ASAP so you have somewhere calm.

Why are you taking your ds to school? He’s 18.

pilates · 15/09/2018 07:31

Agree with pp the problem is your son. He needs to be helping his dad decorate his room and sorting out his personal hygiene.

eurochick · 15/09/2018 07:31

I'd be more concerned about the bugs than anything else. I'm also not sure why your son isn't helping.

PegLegAntoine · 15/09/2018 07:34

Why is your DS getting a new room when he clearly won’t look after it. If this is the norm it’s no wonder he is so entitled

timeisnotaline · 15/09/2018 07:34

Your ds is the problem and you are doing him no favours. Where is he sleeping? I think you could say he should go sleep somewhere else if he’s going to be so little help and contemplate life when his parents ask him to move out reasonably soon, which is what is going to happen unless he starts to actively contribute. He’s not a lovely boy and he will be hard put to find a healthy balanced partner in life to take that shit on.

RJnomore1 · 15/09/2018 07:36

Why are you all running in circles round your disgusting lazy son?

And no wonder your dd is "whining" I would be furious if I was being bitten because of someone else's laziness.

What's the setup with how he gets money, pays for his phone etc?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/09/2018 07:38

Yanbu to feel stressed, you feel how you feel.

You need to focus on those bugs and your useless DS.

Fairylea · 15/09/2018 07:39

Your ds needs a kick up the bum.

My dd is 15 and when we recently redecorated her room she helped to put the chest of drawers together and made up her own bed after we’d put it together for her. She also helped me with painting. Yes, it was perhaps a little different in that she desperately wanted it decorated and was very excited about it but at 18 your son needs to be pulling his weight. Anywhere he lives he’s going to have to do this sort of stuff. Best start now!

ihatethecold · 15/09/2018 07:43

I bet you pay his mobile phone bill op.
Cancel it and tell him to stop being such an entitled little git
Seriously, you both sound like doormats.
He is 18 not 5!!

AlmaGeddon · 15/09/2018 07:45

Can you bag up stuff without bending - fill small bin bags and leave them outside the back door ready to go to recycling. Clothing can go to the recycling bins, other stuff charity shop.
At least you are making some progress with decluttering then.

Xenia · 15/09/2018 07:52

Just do it a step at a time. Pack the bet up ready to go back and if necessary get your son to take it down to the post office and return it keeping full copies of its return to prove it. Order another bed from a different company. It sounds like your husband will have finished the painting soon as he is working until 2am on it. I don't see why you have to be up just because he's painting however. We both did a lot of painting over the years and if one was carrying on late the other just went to bed at 10pm. Can you not just push some wax ear plugs into your ears so you don't hear him.

golddustwomen · 15/09/2018 07:53

I agree with RJ,
Does your son work? How does he pay his phone bill?
I lived at home at 18 and when I wanted my room decorated it was my responsibility to do it. There's no way my mom would have done it for me til 2am every night, and rightly so!
I think you need to sit down with your ds and have a serious talk about personal hygiene! You could be doing all this work for him to just get into a right state again and more bugs ?!?

yellowspottedwellies · 15/09/2018 07:54

Bed bugs
Bites on children

This is your current big issue OP. - everyone and everything else can wait!

llangennith · 15/09/2018 07:55

YANBU. It sounds awful! I'm quite relaxed about a bit of mess but your situation would make anyone anxious and stressed.
Your DH should be much more organised and certainly doesn't need to be decorating, assembling furniture, or tidying up till 2am.
Your DS sounds disorganised too, and arrogant. Get him back to his bedroom, whatever state it's in, and give him an ultimatum: off the sofa and help or move out. Buy a cheap inflatable bed for him to sleep on till you've sorted the new bed.
Threaten to report the eBay seller and leave very negative feedback unless he changes the bed immediately.

Devilishpyjamas · 15/09/2018 07:58

Bugs? What sort of bugs?

And yep time to get ds to be a grown up. You really need to set a few ground rules with your son.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/09/2018 08:00

Your ds sounds a very young 18. You’ve bred an entitled and smelly child. He doesn’t seem to care about your back or your dhs exhaustion. Your dh is putting his health at risk and seeing as how bad your back is right now, I’m figuring your dh is probably the only breadwinner. Therefore he’s putting the household income at risk. Time to tell your ds some home truths. Why can’t your ds decorate and drive/ walk / get the bus to b&q? Could your ds help with school run any days?

NellMangel · 15/09/2018 08:02

I can totally relate. Had same issue when I was pregnant and trying to sort out house. We had a stripped bare room with nothing in, no doors on bedroom, all stuff in one bedroom. I was absolutely miserable and ended up having a panic attack over it. My partner didn't get it. Thought I was ridiculous. Awful time.

I tried to throw money at the problem wherever possible but didn't have much. Also roped in friends to help. X

wentmadinthecountry · 15/09/2018 08:43

My dh starts and doesn't finish. I've started putting everything he leaves lying around in his study - yesterday that included 2 pairs of shoes, 2 cardboard boxes, a suitcase, a monkey wrench, a couple of magazines. He also leaves folded up laundry on the sofa when he's working at home. I leave a tidy room in the morning and come back to 6 half done jobs. Doing the laundry to him stops before putting it away. He left 2 loads outside on the line overnight - not mine so I'm leaving it. No doubt when it's slightly damp, he'll dump it on the sofa in the sitting room. I hate it because everyone assumes I'm the messy one because I'm the woman and in our neck of the woods, it's still women's (or the cleaner's) work.

Gosh, my fingers just started doing rant typing once I started!

However, I agree with others that this is your son's fault. He can sort it. He can make flat pack furniture. Does he work? School? College?
He might actually enjoy a proverbial kick up the bum.

BlueJava · 15/09/2018 08:44

Why are you both rushing around to sort out the room of your DS? He's 18... he may need help to buy stuff and you'll have input into that but he can get paint, put up drawers, load bed in car to take away (even if he can't drive) etc. He'd be getting off his backside and pulling his weight if he came anywhere near me!

Nannewnannew · 15/09/2018 09:03

Regarding the bugs, they sound like bed bugs. I’m ashamed to admit that I had a small problem with them earlier this year and was considering getting in professional help. I was also going to be looking after a friends dog for a few days and decided to get some household flea spray from vet as I was concerned that flea eggs may have been left after a previous visit. I bought R.I.P flea spray from vet which is to use on carpets etc etc.. lo and behold-no more bed bugs. It was brilliant and smelt ok too. Cost nearly £25 but definitely worth it. Made by dechra. Good luck op. It’s frustrating I know.

RabbitsAreTasty · 15/09/2018 09:08

Mobile phone, wifi access, lifts to places, spending money are all privileges that can be revoked.

Does your 18 yo really gave tantrums? No wonder you have anxiety. Is he in education or working? Time for him to live elsewhere perhaps.

SavoyCabbage · 15/09/2018 09:20

He wouldn’t be getting a colour which required numerous coats or a new bed because he is so unhygienic the old one was infected if he was my son. He needs to join the real world and become a contributing member of the household.

We’ve just moved and my kids (11&14) have built flat pack furniture and done all of the cutting in on the paintwork. We’ve all done the parts of the jobs that we can manage to do.

Imamouseduh · 15/09/2018 10:31

Well I’d put the paint, the furniture and all his stuff in the room, close the door and let your son sort it. For crying out loud; you’re making yourself sick over this when the real problem is you’ve raised a man child.

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