Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

At what point do you admit defeat and give up on your child?

72 replies

LucyDontLockIt · 14/09/2018 13:13

DS is almost 18 and has done nothing since leaving school 2 years ago. He managed to get a job at McDonald's and lasted a week before he was sacked for gross misconduct. Under pressure he's joined training schemes which are basically two days a week doing English and maths but half the time he doesn't even do that. He stays in bed until 3pmish and then goes out with his druggy stealing mates, sometimes all night.
He's been arrested once for assault but has basically been lucky in not getting arrested for other stuff he's done including trespassing, stealing, drugs and other assaults.
Everytime I think he's making an effort (signing up to college, applying for a job etc) it's only a matter of days before he goes out and gets smashed on drugs, gets into a fight, gets into trouble etc.
I've got him drug counselling, got him referred to cahms, got him counselling with them, tried to talk to him about aspirations etc etc, nothing gets through. His dad is useless and DH is passed caring (he's assaulted him and stolen from him too many times).
Most of his mates live in hostels. I've thrown him out before but always took him back as he had nowhere to go.
Now I find out he's getting involved in dealing. He and his mates are getting drugs from other parts of the country and selling them in our town. I also suspect they're stealing clothes as DS always seems to have clothes on him that I've not bought him and he has no money. Designer stuff.
To our faces he's nice, keeps himself to himself when in the house but all this other stuff is going on in the background.
I feel like I've done everything I can. At what point can a parent say "I tried"? I'm exhausted by it all.

OP posts:
cutitout · 14/09/2018 14:23

If he is mingling with bad crowd then is it possible for you to get him out by moving? Like moving cities, even better moving country?

TalkingMa · 14/09/2018 14:23

Try and get him on the Princes Trust Team programme. I worked on it as an assistant team leader and it is exactly for people like your son. Lots of positive outcomes too. Hardest thing is getting them there but once they are in the programme it’s really successful.

www.princes-trust.org.uk/help-for-young-people/get-job/boost-your-confidence

Stormwhale · 14/09/2018 14:25

I don't think you give up, ever. However you do make boundaries. I would make him move out, be responsible for himself. At the same time I would continue to support him, but not to the detriment of my own well being. I would make sure he knew that I love him, that I'm there for him, but I cannot support his lifestyle any more.

ChimesAtMidnight · 14/09/2018 14:31

Feckitall is right; only your son can help himself and as his parent, all you can do is watch him plunge to rock bottom before he (hopefully) begins to sort himself out. And he'll need you desperately if/when he decides to do that.
This is spot on: There are no easy answers...sometimes you have to brace yourself for years of shit before they 'grow up'
-Bitter experience- here too.

FluffySlipperSocks · 14/09/2018 14:31

Just to say that I'm in a very similar situation to you. I don't have the answers but reading with interest. I would say never give up, but that doesn't mean he has to live with you permanently. You can still be there for him even when he's living elsewhere

StarShapedWindow · 14/09/2018 14:33

I would not report him to the police. If he gets arrested he could be put in a young offenders institute where he will meet more people who will probably be a negative influence. At 17 I think it would be wrong to give up on him, he needs to find something he enjoys, has he any passions or interests? Are you in a position to move area? Get him into a college away from his friends? You have my full empathy OP, my cousin got into drugs when he was about 15, his mother tried everything to help him but like your son he just sloped back to his friends because the pull of sitting around doing drugs with his mates was always too strong.

Suzielou66 · 14/09/2018 14:39

You need to contact the police immediately. Taking drug, stealing, dealing drugs. You need to stop this before he gets to the point of no return to protect him, yourself and others. If you are allowing him to keep drugs in your house, with your knowledge then you are facilitating his behaviour. You are not helping him by allowing him to behave like this. He needs to see the full consequences of his actions. How will you feel if someone dies from the effects of drugs supplied by your son, or if assaults someone and they are permanently disabled or killed? Do something now or you will never forgive yourself. He’s abused your trust, love and kindness once to often and I think you know that. What he’s doing is illegal. Ring the police now before it’s too late.

Storm4star · 14/09/2018 14:46

I would not report him to the police. If he gets arrested he could be put in a young offenders institute where he will meet more people who will probably be a negative influence

This is very true. If it's anything stronger than cannabis, then dealing will very likely get him a custodial sentence. Prison isn't the right place for him. I would second a pp suggestion of moving if you can. He just needs to get away from that environment. Another good suggestion was the Princes Trust. I would also look up volunteer programmes that are residential, there are some if you do some research on google.

What I will say is, a lot of kids do grow out of this. It's not fun in the meantime! If you can get him away from negative influences in some way, that will help a lot.

LauraMipsum · 14/09/2018 14:47

OP everything about your post screams county lines to me.

Out of town, older or more established dealers "giving" him and his friends drugs to sell on in your town.

New clothes - he may not be stealing them, they may be payment for the drugs he's selling.

There is no such thing as free weed

If your son is under eighteen, and is being exploited as a drug runner, paid in drugs or new clothes, then he is a victim of trafficking, no matter how much of a pain in the arse he might be and how much he got himself into this mess (the element of coercion doesn't need to be present for under 18s). Even if he thinks of these people as his friends, or his boss, or doesn't feel exploited.

I know people think of county lines and, if they've heard of it at all, think of doe eyed 12 year olds being tricked or bullied, but it's very often surly 17 year olds who are groomed through a mixture of flattery and outright bribery. The drugs and new clothes are a debt. Get him out of there before the debt is called in.

Please call the police and report your son as a victim of exploitation before they catch him and prosecute him as a criminal.

www.childrenssociety.org.uk/what-is-county-lines

Some good links here too: www.lambethscb.org.uk/carers/gangs

Feckitall · 14/09/2018 14:48

Oh..and the 'move away from bad influence' If he 'likes' the money and excitement of the lifestyle..he will seek out the local lowlife wherever he is...
If he gets to do what he wants, when he wants without the shite/monotony of conventional lifestyle then what is the motivator to behave.

Poppyinagreenfield · 14/09/2018 15:01

What would you do if he was not your son ?

Is he behaving like you would want your son to act ?

Why do you tolerate his criminal behaviour and what do you expect the result to be ?

HelenMummyof2 · 14/09/2018 15:06

I think he needs to hit rock bottom before he can or will change. You can maybe speed this process up by reporting him to police (via crime stoppers for example - totally anon) and kicking him out. By letting him stay I think you may be prolonging this process. Very easy for me to sit here and say though, I can imagine your heart is breaking. Had a sibling that was similar and saw what my Mum went through, which I why I add my comments. Good luck and big hugs X

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 14/09/2018 15:08

Do you have family elsewhere? I’d get him out of town and away from his mates for a start.

BarbarianMum · 14/09/2018 15:10

My mum's on the point of giving up on my brother. Hes 42 and has been a drug addict for over 20 years. Over 20 years of not giving up has destroyed her life. I would suggest there does come a point when you say "enough is enough".

prole · 14/09/2018 15:15

OP I'm not someone who would normally advocate shopping anyone to the old bill but in this case I'd make an exception.

You say he's involved in 'county lines' dealing. This is very dangerous territory to be getting into. Non-London youngsters might have the threatening bravado for a big fish in a small pond - but the people up the chain will quite simply be extremely violent. No threats, no bravado. They'll just do it.

www.theguardian.com/society/2018/sep/07/county-lines-illegal-drug-trade-trafficking-oxfordshire

coldrain2018 · 14/09/2018 15:19

I would seriously consider selling up and moving him and yourself to a different part of the country and giving him a fresh start

coldrain2018 · 14/09/2018 15:21

or even moving abroad with him

easternedge · 14/09/2018 15:25

Also agree with faster I would call the police about the drug dealing. (Anonymously, I’m a coward).

Horrific statement of the day!

RedneckStumpy · 14/09/2018 15:27

My step brother was very similar at 18. My step mum did everything you have done. They kicked him out after he lied, stole etc. They took him back repeatedly. He is now 23 and still a druggy waister.

I suspect he will leech off our parents for the rest of their lives.

My dad wanted to take a hard line of dragging him to the army recruiting station and telling him to sign up or the next stop was the police, however my step mum wouldn’t let it happen.....so here we are.

Lweji · 14/09/2018 15:31

It depends on what you mean by giving up.
Do you mean kicking him out, or just not bothering to help?

Lostandfound81 · 14/09/2018 15:36

Take a step back... yes

Give up?... never ever ever

Feckitall · 14/09/2018 15:40

redneck I doubt the army would take him...they are choosy these days..
Until he wants to change you are stuck between a rock and a hard place..
where are all the MN posters saying he is a baby still and how dreadful you are even contemplating it Hmm

OP I know it is incredibly hard...whatever you do..good luck..

DancingDot · 14/09/2018 15:41

Gersemi

Most teenagers dabble in drugs - those who become addicted or embroiled in crime tend to have more going on in their lives or their history than the average child. SO my question stands - what has been going on in this child's life?

Lovemusic33 · 14/09/2018 15:48

Report him to the police (though chances are they are already on to him), kick him out and don’t take him back unless he is clean and in work.

RaininSummer · 14/09/2018 16:04

How difficult to handle and how hard it must be to see your son on this path. I wonder if there are any mentoring schemes where perhaps someone slightly older who has followed the same path and learned the hard way could get some sense into him. It sounds as if all his friends are on the same path so the peer pressure to conform must he high.

Swipe left for the next trending thread