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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Every present for 12 months has gone un-acknowledged

64 replies

GinFaced · 14/09/2018 11:44

My sister and brother in law are really rubbing me up the wrong way at the moment.

The family is 2 adults & 2 kids. In the last year I have sent 4 birthday presents (adults and children), 2 'get well soon' presents (the smallest had her tonsils removed, my brother in law broke his wrist) an anniversary present, a new home present and finally, last week, a small 'enjoy going back to school' present. (I had an aunt who lived abroad when I was younger I remember loving getting things in the post.)
I DO NOT expect a thank you note - the kids are small, the parents have a lot on, a thank you note would be nice, but is not required. HOWEVER, I have had to chase up every single present, about a week after it should have arrived, to check it has arrived. I receive no text, email or phone call to say "hey, thanks for the parcel, it arrived today."
Am I being unreasonable to have finally found this so utterly infuriating that I'm just going to stop sending anything? I don't think the kids should miss out because their parents don't know how to say thank you but seriously, how hard is it to simply let me know that the parcel arrived?

OP posts:

Lweji · 14/09/2018 12:28

How often do you meet or exchange messages or phone each other?

Lweji · 14/09/2018 12:29

Do you ring them on their birthdays/occasions or just send the presents?
Do the presents arrive before or after such occasion?

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 14/09/2018 12:36

I'd find that level of gift giving suffocating

Same here. An 'enjoy going back to school' present?

underneaththeash · 14/09/2018 12:37

I also think you're sending too much....I suspect they may not be thanking you in the hope that it will cut down.

coldrain2018 · 14/09/2018 12:39

I'd find that level of gift giving suffocating.

exactly, me too. I have a sister that does this to us. I've been hoping for years that she would take the hint if I keep ignoring her gifts and not reciprocating.

But its still happening, and reaching the point where I really am going to have to spell it out to her that it is intrusive and unwelcome

SouthernComforts · 14/09/2018 12:42

You sound lovely and thoughtful and your family sound ungrateful.

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 14/09/2018 12:42

If you add in Christmas, I make that 14 presents so far this year, is that right? (4 x xmas, 4 x birthday, 2 x 'get well', 1 x anniversary, 1x new home, 2 x back to school).

Is this for real? Back off, it's bloody sinister! No grown man wants a 'sorry you broke your wrist' gift from his sister-in-law!

SmellyHead · 14/09/2018 12:43

I'd find that level of gift giving suffocating.

Me too.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 14/09/2018 12:44

Exactly lololove. My Christmas and birthday presents to a relative have been unacknowledged for ten years. I just send a cheap gift card now. In fact, I think I’ll stop altogether as we didn’t even get a Christmas card from the family last year.

Juells · 14/09/2018 12:44

HRTFT but I wouldn't be happy to get all those presents :( It's too much. My best friend gives me a present every Christmas and birthday, I ask her not to as I don't want more people to buy presents for, she still does it, and I grind my teeth when I see another present from her. Every time you buy someone a present you're forcing reciprocity.

SoftSheen · 14/09/2018 12:44

YANBU at all to expect a 'Thankyou' text or email.

However, you do sound a bit OTT in your gift giving. I would suggest limiting gifts to the children, Christmas and birthdays only (the lack of acknowledgment is not the children's fault, at that age).

MasonJar · 14/09/2018 12:44

Agree with PPs, that level of gift giving would make me feel uncomfortable. Reasonable to send birthday presents to children but the rest are OTT.
Perhaps not acknowledging the presents is their way of telling you to stop sending them.

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 14/09/2018 12:44

It averages out at approximately one gift every 2.5 weeks.

Nah, this can't be real! Who has that amount of time on their hands?!

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 14/09/2018 12:45

You sound a thoughtful person OP, but heavens that's a lot of presents! Different people have varying thoughts on present giving, but of course you would know them and how they feel on such a matter. I think you are over egging it somewhat, children's birthday and Christmas of course, and possibly same for adults, but I think I'd rein it in, get well and back to school presents sound excessive. Should they acknowledge and thank you, yes of course.

CousinKrispy · 14/09/2018 12:45

The only possible excuse I can think of is if it's unclear who some of the gifts are from. My sister sometimes orders stuff for me off Amazon on a whim and not all of the vendors include the option for gift messages, so sometimes it's just "inexplicable parcel has arrived with no indication of who sent it and why." You are probably more organized than my sister, however, in which case they ought at least to be texting to say "Thank you for thinking of us."

Chocolala · 14/09/2018 12:47

I'd find that level of gift giving suffocating.

Me too. You like sending presents, but there’s nothing to indicate what you send or if it is welcome. But then, I don’t like getting presents very much save for those from immediate family.

Assuming there’s no underlying story which would suggest they don’t actually want the presents, Maybe you’d be better to Just call them if you worry things are missing in the post.

SageMustard · 14/09/2018 12:48

I would stop sending presents - sounds like the adults don't really want to do gifts? I would ring the children to wish them a happy birthday and let them know you are a present for them when you see them - If it will be a while before you see them then maybe continue to send for the children but then ring to wish them a happy birthday too.

I think you are going a bit OTT with the presents, and I wouldn't like to receive all of those presents - it sets up an obligation (even if you don't intend it to) to reciprocate and they may simply not want more stuff. I think it is standard to send a 1st anniversary card and then stop after that until the 25th/40th/50th - a present if attending a party.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/09/2018 12:49

Maybe they don't like the things you are buying as gifts?

Or could they interpret it as you showing off/richer than them?

Other than that, yes it's rude, just stop.

MargeryB · 14/09/2018 12:49

Another one that would find this suffocating, attention seeking and guilt inducing. The problem here is different love languages.

mindutopia · 14/09/2018 12:53

Saying thank you for gifts is important, but I think when you're being overloaded with gifts like that and particularly at times that are otherwise really stressful for them, it's understandable that acknowledging the gift may not have been on top of the priority list. I know if my child was having an operation, I'd probably be pretty pre-occupied with parenting and sending texts about gifts would fall by the wayside.

I had someone ask me last week if we'd received presents they sent when our ds was born as they never received a thank you card (well, frankly, they did, because they then pulled out the baby photos I'd sent them IN the thank you card, but I digress). But I definitely didn't acknowledge every gift received right away. I'd just had a baby and was getting like 2 hours of sleep. I was doing the school runs and homework with our older one. And my mum had just been diagnosed with cancer and was starting chemo and it was so stressful I could barely manage to eat some days. Saying thank you to people we never see for the gift of a cardigan wasn't the most pressing thing I had going. We tend to say thank you when we next see each other. So sending thank yous is obviously the best thing to do, but understandably, people are busy and I don't hold that against them. I wouldn't chase up any gifts I sent. I'd assume people got them and that we'll talk about it when we see each other.

ShannonRockallMalin · 14/09/2018 12:55

At least you get some kind of acknowledgement. I sent a present for my neice’s birthday once and never heard anything until the parcel arrived ‘return to sender - not called for’. They had been out when it was delivered and had the card put through the door but just hadn’t bothered going to collect it. Bizarre.

Buxtonstill · 14/09/2018 12:58

Sounds like my sister! The kids are all teenagers and I send cash, by registered post. £100 a time. I have the post office notification, but a text to say it has arrived would be nice. I take the opinion that its obviously not that important to them so I stopped. They will be quick enough to go out and spend it, yet cannot send a 30 second text to say thanks? We have no DC, and have another DN and DNephew who always acknowledge a birthday/xmas gift, and send photos of what they have bought. Probably takes them a a couple of minutes, but shows appreciation. My sisters kids are going to get a bloody great shock when we cark it, as everything will go 50/50 the DN and DN who make the effort to thank us.

ipswichmum · 14/09/2018 12:58

You aren't being unreasonable. Normal people that have manners would say thanks,or thanks for the presents but you really needn't have. They would acknowledge somehow. My sister in law and her husband are exactly the same. Makes me so angry as it's so rude and ignorant. Stop buying for them but still buy for the children 😁

Her0utdoors · 14/09/2018 13:03

My sister used to relentlessly send us presents, some of it utter shite. She hasn't stopped when asked although it's less frequent, and will still send worn out charity shop stuff even though she said she wouldn't. She's spent more on next day signed for delivery than the value of the contents. It does my nut in, partly because it triggers memories of the way an abusive family member behaved, and partly because she flatly refused the be bought presents herself!

Bluesmartiesarebest · 14/09/2018 13:21

Op, please stop sending so many gifts. Only send presents for birthdays and Christmas because everything else only needs a card or a quick text message. Enjoy the extra money you’ll save and spend it on yourself.

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