Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you ask a dc if they were OK?

80 replies

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 14/09/2018 11:30

My dd nearly 12 was walking back from a friend's the other day and a hornet had landed on her hand and stung her. Sting was still in, little bit of blood but she was very upset.
We live in a busy but small touristy place, friendly locals.

Nobody asked her if she was OK.

Not really surprised, just wondering if you would approach a dc or just look away?
Back in the day (1970's)I fell off a wall I had been walking along, alone and about 7, cut my fanjo enough it was bleeding badly, and a man walked me home!! Def sure that wouldn't happen today!!
At the park /zoo places I have assisted a lost dc but never in public tbh.

OP posts:
RedSkyLastNight · 14/09/2018 12:41

I have a 12 year old girl.
If a stranger asked her if she was ok in this situation, she would say "yes" and walk very quickly in the opposite direction.

OP - what would you have wanted a stranger to actually do after asking she was ok?

Excited0803 · 14/09/2018 12:41

If it was obvious she was distressed, yes. Are you sure it was obvious?

NonaGrey · 14/09/2018 12:43

I think the age of your DD makes the difference. She’s 12, presumably in high school uniform.

I think most adults would assume if she was walking that she was old enough to make a judgement about getting herself home and probably has access to a mobile phone.

If she’d been sitting, bleeding on the pavement and distressed it’s more likely she’d have been offered help.

The difficulty is what help can be offered. You can’t give an unknown child a lift home. She wasn’t disoriented or unable to walk. She’s old enough to have a phone etc.

It’s not the same as seeing an injured 7 yo.

I do hope she is feeling better though.

WillyNilly00 · 14/09/2018 12:45

@HereBeFuckery Please don't walk uncollected children home, take them back to a teacher! You can cause alot of stress and upset doing this.

However I do offer help to children who seem upset, whilst also ensuring I am keeping myself safe.

reallyanotherone · 14/09/2018 12:46

In the o/p’s specific scenario? It depends. A secondary age child being stung, and then pulling herself together and carrying on home- no I wouldn’t rush over and fuss about her being ok. Not much i can do anyway.

An anaphalactic reaction, or if it seemed something they needed actual help with, then of course I would. As with any child, or person.

Original poster
Aprilshowersnowastorm · 14/09/2018 12:46

I wasn't surprised tbh. Though she regularly walks our ddogs and is a known face, I thought a local may have checked she was OK.
Finger fine, bit of a coincidence other 3 dc hurt a finger the same week!!
Maybe a ploy to escape writing at school??

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 14/09/2018 12:48

I agree that this specific incident is very borderline.

A small child (under five) - keep them where they are unless unavoidable (wandering off is just as likey to take them further from where they're supposed to be as closer).

An older child under 10 - ask them about the situation and judge from there (depending on apparent injuries etc, obvs).

Over 10 - are they hurt beyond self care? Are they massively distressed? Are they heading home anyway?

It doesn't sound like any of the latter apply to your daughter.

Uncreative · 14/09/2018 12:48

When I was 30, I fell off my bike and cut my leg. Not badly - blood smears rather than blood gushing. I had to push my bike home. There was a group of about 5 kids between 10-13 years old as I got close home (but I didn’t recognise them). They asked me if I was ok and needed help. They were lovely!

So....age shouldn’t make a difference but, sadly, I can see why some people might not stop to check on her.

EvilEdna1 · 14/09/2018 12:49

From about 11 to 13 my DD would frequently cry walking along the road usually because had fallen out with her friends (and would make-up again within 24 hours). I would probably assume it was something like that but it depends on level of upset I think. I did approach a group of teenage boys when I saw one being beaten-up but he was full of bravado and tried to make out he wasn't hurt. I also reported that to the school as I was so shocked by the level of aggression and the aggressor was suspended.

Cropyields · 14/09/2018 12:52

NC for this post!

Those of you saying you wouldn't help a child over 10 yrs; I'd ask you to reconsider.

I was 12.5 yrs when I walked in to town by myself (big city) on a Saturday morning. 10 min walk in busy area - same route I walked back from school every day. A man in a suit came towards me and said "hi, how's your father?" in a very friendly way. As I had had no awareness training and had been brought up to be polite (and my father was a businessman in that city) I smiled and said "very well thank you". He then proceeded to touch my breast and molest me in broad daylight. I moved away crying and (being a numpty and clueless at that age) proceeded to walk towards town.

This incident took place near a hospital. I was VERY grateful for the ambulance driver who was on her break who saw I was upset and talked to me and helped me call the police, who then took me home to my parents.

In another incident (I live near a school) a teen girl was crying loudly outside our house at midnight. She was accompanied by a lad her age who said that it as the end of the school prom, the girl was upset and that she had had too much to drink. However it looked to me like the girl was trying to get away from him and he was pestering her (not sure). So I asked the girl to come over to me in my doorway (away from the lad) and asked her quietly if she was OK and needed me to call anyone on her behalf. I didn't get to the bottom of the whole story but she wanted me to call her parents which I did and I waited with her until they turned up. (The lad walked off.)

In summary: please do not ignore the distress of pre-teens and teens!!

MeganBacon · 14/09/2018 12:52

I would, I found a girl about 11 crying on the tube last week and obviously anxious about catching the right tube, and asked her if she needed help/comforted her. My ds travelled to and from school on the tube at that age and I always told him that if he was in trouble, he should find someone who looks like a nice mum or dad and ask them for help. So obviously I pay this forward.

lifetothefull · 14/09/2018 12:53

I would definitely help a child, but I would not necessarily have helped your 12 yo unless she was clearly not coping. She has actually dealt with it really well in her own way by getting home. She may not have been so visably upset while in public.

LilacUndertones · 14/09/2018 12:54

One winter a few years ago, my daughter slipped on ice and fell and banged her head on the pavement. The only other person in sight walked straight past her. I think that was a very strange response.

Creeper8 · 14/09/2018 12:55

I still wouldnt stop unless the child had specifically asked for help. A 12 year old walking home (so old enough to travel alone) with possibly a mobile phone, all teens I know have. Nope wouldnt stop.

Witchend · 14/09/2018 12:57

I do quite frequently.
If I see a child looking upset, or a too young child on their own I first look to see if I can identify an adult with them, and confirm with the adult that they're together, or I will ask the child if they're okay.
Usually they are, but occasionally I've had a child throw themselves into me in floods of tears. Never been unable to help them, although sometimes it's been a case of grabbing another adult and asking them to find security/phone police. I don't move them from where they are.

Fireworks91 · 14/09/2018 13:10

I would and have. Dh would too, though he always says that after the event he worries

Rebecca36 · 14/09/2018 13:11

I think I would speak to them, especially if it was in an open place with people around. What you can't do is take a child into your home and do first aid, which is obvious. However, in the case of a sting, I would speak and reassure, if the sting is sticking out it can be pulled out, ask if they lived nearby and would get home quickly or ask if there was anyone I could 'phone. No harm in any of that.

I remember when my boy was very small, maybe three, he fell over (as they do) in a street and his leg was really bleeding. He was crying. A lady came out of her house to see what was wrong, went back in and came out again with a first aid kid and hot water to wash the wound. She did it while he sat on her front wall. I was impressed with that, she was lovely. There was no suggestion of him going inside with her (though I was there of course and it would have been alright with me).

tillytrotter1 · 14/09/2018 13:13

I'd think twice. A couple of years ago I was walking along, a small child was in front of me with a toy buggy and doll, no-one clearly near her. A gust of wind blew the buggy into the road, a busy High Street, and she ran after it, I managed to grab her arm to prevent her. The 'mother' ran up from behind, still on her phone and yelled at me in whatever language, no thanks, just anger at me.

Sammio · 14/09/2018 13:14

I remember when I was about 12 or 13 walking to school crying. My mum had told me she was going to kill herself while I was at school (she didn’t, it was all for attention) and a lady stopped and asked me if I was ok. Although I didn’t tell her what had happened I will always remember how kind she was to stop and show concern.
I can’t believe that anyone would walk past anybody crying or distressed and not ask if they were ok, no matter what age the person is.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 14/09/2018 13:14

Yes, I would probably would, fairly instinctively.

lalaloopyhead · 14/09/2018 13:14

I saw a couple of boys fall off their bikes at the weekend - they were bombing down the middle of the road and collided with each other getting out of my way. I stopped and asked if they were ok, and if they needed any help which they declined even though one seemed upset.

My dd's said that he was hardly going to accept help from a stranger in a car, but I couldn't have just driven past and left them.

Booom · 14/09/2018 13:18

I would help anyone who looked like they were hurt especially a child.

Passthecake30 · 14/09/2018 13:19

I would. Before having kids, probably not, but I know if mine were distressed I'd like someone to just check if they were ok and offer to make a phone call for them.

HereBeFuckery · 14/09/2018 13:19

@WillyNilly00 I would have done, but school was shut up tight! He was a bit down the road, so not supervised. I know the stress of a kid going missing at pickup, and if there'd been a way to let the school know, I would have done. Smile

Coffeeonthesofa · 14/09/2018 13:22

I would definitely ask if they needed help, you don't have to necessarily touch a child or take them anywhere to help them. If they are old enough they can usually tell you a number to call, if they don't have a mobile (or as seems to happen a lot with my kids friends, have no credit to phone - what the parents are thinking of I'm not sure). So you can call a parent for them, encourage them to go back into school if they are left in the playground. Alert staff members in a shop if a child appears lost.
If it was the worst possible scenario and a child was really hurt I would do everything I could including touching them if necessary and worry about what the parents thought later. I would hope that another adult, even if not a parent, and male or female, would do the same for my kids.