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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Quitting after one week

37 replies

Pyracantha1 · 14/09/2018 06:43

Some background - Before having children I was in a high powered job which involved working long hours and travelling. I am highly educated with a PhD. So fair to say I was ambitious and wanted to carry on climbing the professional ladder.

I now have two children under the age of three and had been off work for 3.5 years (two sets of maternity leave and then took unpaid leave). I finally returned to work on a part time basis and have mixed feelings about being back. When I'm at work I keep thinking about both DCs being in nursery for the entire day (8:30-5:30), it's not so bad for the elder one but the younger one is only 1.5. Years old. It breaks my heart. However I don't want to throw away everything that I have ever worked for.

AIBU in thinking that I should quit work and stay with my DCs until they attend full time school?

I don't think it will be too easy to find a job after 5-6 years break that will pay me as much or have the same level of responsibility. However as a family we are very financially secure and my wage wouldn't really enhance our lifestyle any further. I would be purely working for me.

I feel so conflicted. Have other mums felt like this? Please help

OP posts:
isobellini · 14/09/2018 07:24

YANBU if that's what you want to do. It's obviously a conflict but it sounds like you're unhappy and ultimately no employer wants someone working for them who isn't happy being there.

Personally my son's been in nursery since 7 months old, is happy and thriving now at 2 years old with lots of sweet little friends who he adores; and meanwhile I love being at work and am passionate about what I do. For me, I think being an employee makes me a better mum, and being a mum makes me a better employee.

But that is me. And this is you. And if you want to and you can, then I think you should. Follow your happiness. Smile

ThePricklySheep · 14/09/2018 07:28

Is it black and white? Could you:
Work for a year then take a year off?
Have DP drop a couple of days?
Do even less hours?

DelphiniumBlue · 14/09/2018 07:34

I think if you change the part time to shorter days, ( so 5 mornings rather than 2 1/2 days) it's easier on small children.
Or stop work until the children are older, as you can afford to, but keep your hand in by doing voluntary work, maybe in a field related to your profession. Lots of charities need trustees, and I found that it worked well for me.

Iizzyb · 14/09/2018 07:41

You have to decide what's right for you op but do you need to work for the ££, the security, financial independence in the future (in case you need it?) etc? It's not just about the here and now although that is very important.

Everyone has a view about how other people should bring up their dc's. I went back 4.5 days when ds was 7 months old as am a lp and no financial support from anyone - just me. Dropped to 4 days as soon as I could afford it (as ds was about to turn 3). It's tricky but I don't think having working parents is a bad thing.

The most well rounded and self sufficient boys when I was a teenager were the ones whose dm's worked. Those whose dm's stayed at home were less able to look after themselves. I am 46. This is still true for some of them Hmm

I make a comparison with boys only because at that time most girls did help at home, cook meals etc as roles were slightly different to these days the days when dads sat on the sofa and never lifted a finger once home from work

dracolovesharry · 14/09/2018 07:42

My DS was in nursery 3 days from 11 months.

I also felt heartbroken but had bills to pay. You have a career to build.

This is life. Your child will be fine.

Sunshinegirl82 · 14/09/2018 07:43

I would probably give it more than a week to be honest, it's an adjustment for everyone.

Could you look for a more low key part time job locally in a similar or related field to keep your hand in?

I am a solicitor and returned to work 3 days a week when DS was 13 months, he is in nursery for those 3 days. It was hard at first but he loves nursery so much and they do activities there that would be hard to do at home.

There is no right answer but as your work is clearly important to you it seems worth trying to find a way to make it work. Good luck!

madcatladyforever · 14/09/2018 07:45

Follow your instinct as a mother. Your children are only young once.
I bitterly regret working full time when my son was little and that was 35 years ago. I feel I can never have that time back.
It's never too late to restart your career and employers seem to like older people. I did a degree at 45 for a change of career and have a very well paid job now.

JellyBears · 14/09/2018 07:48

Could you afford a nanny? It could be more cost affective and you kno your kids are in their home environment.

Could you work part time for a few years?

LannieDuck · 14/09/2018 07:53

Are the kids enjoying nursery? (Mine loved it)

EvaHarknessRose · 14/09/2018 08:05

Give it a little longer? What were the reasons you went back now (grass is greener).

But when thinking about what money your family needs, factor in a chunk of money for your pension and wave goodbye to a few years of career progression. (It stings that I was working flat out looking after dc and working for all those years but my pension is a quarter of what it could be, or what dh’s is - of course we plan for our income to be shared but there’s something about it that I know will make me feel dependent and ‘lesser’ when in fact my contribution has been flippin awesome). Fwiw I would do the same again.

brokenharbour · 14/09/2018 08:07

I would honestly give it time. 1.5 isn't young to be going to nursery. It gets better as you get used to it, everyone finds it hard to leave their children at nursery at first.

brokenharbour · 14/09/2018 08:08

And they're probably having a great time. My dd went to nursery three days a week at nine months and she's now nearly four and loves going.

Quartz2208 · 14/09/2018 08:11

How often are you working - 3 days.

its ok to work for you, its ok to want to have some time to you. I bet your DH doesnt worry about it when he is at work.

The partime working and parenting balance I think is one that works well - of course you feel guilty but its ok they will be fine

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 14/09/2018 08:12

Nursery is great fun!

You're part-time so they'll get plenty of time with you.

I'd stay in work, build up a pension etc.

TheGateauIsInTheChateau · 14/09/2018 08:16

My mum went to work when I reached school age and honestly I wish she hadnt. If being a mum is what you’d like to do then do it full time. They’ll need you all the way through.

notheretoargue · 14/09/2018 08:16

Tbh nursery is easier on parents and child than wraparound care at school. It felt harder for me to put dc into breakfast club and after school club and holiday clubs than nursery for 3 long days. If I had my time again I would have used nursery time to get into a position where I could work school hours once they started school. It’s a myth that childcare gets easier once school starts

Rosemary46 · 14/09/2018 08:18

YABU to quit after a week, you need to give it longer for everyone to settle in .

Also YABU to say this

However as a family we are very financially secure and my wage wouldn't really enhance our lifestyle any further. I would be purely working for me

You may be finically secure as a family - I guess what you actually mean is that your husband or partner is paid well ( or do you have an income from investments ? ). That’s only “ family income “ while you are together. If you look on his pay slip I think you’ll find it in his name and not the family’s.

Sadly there’s a , what , 30-50% chance that you will separate. Post seperation, most men seem to feel that what was “ family income “ is suddenly theirs alone and it’s up to the mother to support the children will a small unreliable donation from the father.

So no, you would be quite foolish to gamble with your children’s financial secuity by giving up your well paid job. You are not “ working for you “ anymore than your husband is.

You are working for your career, pension, savings, job satisfaction, security and to keep your and your children’s standard of living if you split up.

Rosemary46 · 14/09/2018 08:19

And if you are worried about your children being in nursery, I suggest you look at other child care options.

Or even better, that your partner adjust his working hours to accommodate his children .

( I know I’m assuming it’s a man but same applies if it’s a woman )

fairislecable · 14/09/2018 08:22

You are looking at nursery as being a downside but from the several toddlers I am in contact with, going to nursery is a treat.

A good nursery is a wonderful place to nurture, educate and entertain small children.

This will also give you your independence back and enjoyment on your time with the family.

NerrSnerr · 14/09/2018 08:31

If being a mum is what you’d like to do then do it full time.

If we all went by this rule then there'd be hardly any children born. We all don't have the choice.

Do what you feel is best for you OP. If given the choice I would give up my job and look after my children full time but that's just my preference.

ChristmasFluff · 14/09/2018 08:34

I stayed at home for 5 years, then got part time work at a low grade in my profession, and have continued that. 10 years back in the workplace, and I'm now almost back where I was before maternity leave - but I've not sought promotions, they have been thrust upon me!

Your job will always be waiting, your kids are only young once. I've never regretted taking off those 5 years, even though it meant I had to sacrifice lifestyle-wise. I honestly haven't noticed the loss of those things. I also did some part-time work for myself in the times son was at nursery, to 'keep my hand in' (although I ended up doing more work as a cleaner than at my profession!) - so maybe you could do that?

ChristmasFluff · 14/09/2018 08:35

Oh, as clarification, son went to nursery for mornings from age 3, and we divorced when son was 5. Survived and thrived.

lrh3891 · 14/09/2018 08:36

My dc has been at nursery full time since 11 months old, and has absolutely thrived there. Has lots of little friends, runs happily in every morning and greets me with a big smile and a big hug every afternoon. We make the most of the time we have together, I feel fulfilled outside my role as a mother, and dc has exposure to activities, children and learning opportunities that they otherwise would not get.

OP, only you can decide what is right for you but my point is that nursery is not something to feel guilty about! It's good for children.

Also as PP have pointed out, it is rather short sighted to assume you do not need the money. I didn't need the money a year ago but having been left as a single mother of a toddler, i am now very grateful that I have my own income and am building up my pension. I know it's horrid to think about but it really can happen to anyone

thisisntmeok · 14/09/2018 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sandstormbrewing · 14/09/2018 08:57

You're one week in. Give it a bit longer.

I loved my work pre DC. I love it again now. But it was an adjustment going back. DC loves his nursery but again, that was an adjustment.

Deep breath, carry on, reassess in a month.

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