Quitting after one week

[Pyracantha1]

Some background - Before having children I was in a high powered job which involved working long hours and travelling. I am highly educated with a PhD. So fair to say I was ambitious and wanted to carry on climbing the professional ladder.

I now have two children under the age of three and had been off work for 3.5 years (two sets of maternity leave and then took unpaid leave). I finally returned to work on a part time basis and have mixed feelings about being back. When I'm at work I keep thinking about both DCs being in nursery for the entire day (8:30-5:30), it's not so bad for the elder one but the younger one is only 1.5. Years old. It breaks my heart. However I don't want to throw away everything that I have ever worked for.

AIBU in thinking that I should quit work and stay with my DCs until they attend full time school?

I don't think it will be too easy to find a job after 5-6 years break that will pay me as much or have the same level of responsibility. However as a family we are very financially secure and my wage wouldn't really enhance our lifestyle any further. I would be purely working for me.

I feel so conflicted. Have other mums felt like this? Please help

I'd go with your heart here. DC are young for such a short time. But talk to your h and see if you can compromise - could you both do fewer hours?

Just a word of warning - when my dc were little I thought working would be a lot easier when they started school. It actually got harder. We had no good wrap around care nearby (nursery was open 8-6 all year round!), and actually they were knackered and wanted to be at home. Then as they got older they wanted to do after school activities, see their friends and get help with their homework.

What worked for me was going back part time and having them in nursery 3 days a week, because then when my oldest started school I was in an established position and able to change my hours around school picks ups, which would have been extremely difficult if starting a new job. I would have preferred not to have my ds in nursery at all (he has always been a real homebody - dd was much happier outside the home) but those three years have been massively worth it for all the drop off and pick ups I’ve been able to do. He doesn’t remember crying when I left him at nursery, but he will remember being able to come home after school through primary.

Of course that’s partly due to my child’s personality, and I’m sure many love going to after school club / childminder etc. Just maybe worth considering as you make your decision.

A week isn't long enough to get used to the routine of working again. I'd give it longer. Mumsnet is full of women who had assumed (wrongly) that they would walk back into their careers after a number of years as a SAHM

I am in my 60's and when Dc 1 was small maternity leave was a very different thing. I had to go back to work for at least 3 months otherwise I lost the Maternity pay my employers gave me!.
I had no choice and at the time there were no nursuries around like today and I had to employ a full time nanny (at great expense).
However for the first 3 weeks I fretted about the baby but eventually I became able to detach myself ie when I was at work I was in work mode, when at home I was in Mum mode. I can honestly say Ds1 did not suffer without me he had a lovely relationship with the Nanny.

Thing was I didn't really like my job, so gave up when number 2 came along.

When I eventually went back to work (4 dc's later) I worked in retail locally then went back to what I had done prior to dcs at a lower grade, I found it difficult after being out of "the loop" for many years, but I was able to add to my pension pot which is something you should consider in all this. You may be financially secure now but we don't know what life is going to chuck at us!

I had to go back to work for at least 3 months otherwise I lost the Maternity pay my employers gave me!.

That's still the law if you get occupational maternity pay (in addition to stat).

OP I could have been you, down to ambitious and high-powered job, highly educated, husband with great career. I was happy to stay off as had a business plan I wanted to try out so worked for everyone (DH got to continue unimpeded, financially supported me to have a go at something else in spare time, dc got to see me). Circumstances dramatically changed due to Brexit, our lives are much more insecure due to his volatile industry, i took what I would describe as a unicorn job (very part time, very interesting, adding valuable skills in an adjacent hi-tech sector, highly paid, amazing boss, CV enhancing YES AN ACTUAL UNICORN JOB!). I left my 14 month old in nursery and used to drift in a sort of sad, anxious, squishy, broken, massively, massively sleep-deprived version of the Old Me, wracked with guilt at leaving my baby in nirsery.... 18 months on i am sooooooo glad I persevered!!!! I had to as I’d clearly never have got such a perfect opportunity again.

What helped me were things like: building great relationships with the women at nursery. I had so much respect for them, many of them were working mothers themselves and were so amazing and supportive to me. I say overwhelmingly women but they had a couple of great male staff too. But when we moved I got a great childminder and never looked back.

Also, just realising that I had been very privileged to take so much time off, that I was still privileged to be so part time, that I was a professional woman and FOR my children needed to be back at work maintaining if not accelerating my career, earning pensions etc. That we live in an increasingly insecure world and that even though I spend virtually all my pay on a complex web of childcare (we need backup and I also pay for a day where I continue my slow-burn business idea), if my husband got made redundant tomorrow which is now not unlikely, I could just about support the family and could in fact quickly move jobs or ramp up to support them properly.

Sorry, a lot of information, but your post really chimed, and being on mumsnet as ever reminded me that I had it so good, my kids have it so good, that you have to think of the long game as well as the short, that while I respect staying at home as one of the most difficult jobs certainly I have ever done, I am MUCH more suited to office dynamics, so am happier too.

Hang on in there, the first weeks are hard but if you like the nursery and her carers and you devote yourself to them the rest of the time, I think you’ll be fine.

OP I could have been you, down to ambitious and high-powered job, highly educated, husband with great career. I was happy to stay off as had a business plan I wanted to try out so worked for everyone (DH got to continue unimpeded, financially supported me to have a go at something else in spare time, dc got to see me). Circumstances dramatically changed due to Brexit, our lives are much more insecure due to his volatile industry, i took what I would describe as a unicorn job (very part time, very interesting, adding valuable skills in an adjacent hi-tech sector, highly paid, amazing boss, CV enhancing YES AN ACTUAL UNICORN JOB!). I left my 14 month old in nursery and used to drift in a sort of sad, anxious, squishy, broken, massively, massively sleep-deprived version of the Old Me, wracked with guilt at leaving my baby in nirsery.... 18 months on i am sooooooo glad I persevered!!!! I had to as I’d clearly never have got such a perfect opportunity again.

What helped me were things like: building great relationships with the women at nursery. I had so much respect for them, many of them were working mothers themselves and were so amazing and supportive to me. I say overwhelmingly women but they had a couple of great male staff too. But when we moved I got a great childminder and never looked back.

Also, just realising that I had been very privileged to take so much time off, that I was still privileged to be so part time, that I was a professional woman and FOR my children needed to be back at work maintaining if not accelerating my career, earning pensions etc. That we live in an increasingly insecure world and that even though I spend virtually all my pay on a complex web of childcare (we need backup and I also pay for a day where I continue my slow-burn business idea), if my husband got made redundant tomorrow which is now not unlikely, I could just about support the family and could in fact quickly move jobs or ramp up to support them properly.

Sorry, a lot of information, but your post really chimed, and being on mumsnet as ever reminded me that I had it so good, my kids have it so good, that you have to think of the long game as well as the short, that while I respect staying at home as one of the most difficult jobs certainly I have ever done, I am MUCH more suited to office dynamics, so am happier too.

Hang on in there, the first weeks are hard but if you like the nursery and her carers and you devote yourself to them the rest of the time, I think you’ll be fine.

Wow so important I somehow posted twice!

Personally I found it harder AFTER the school run rather than nursery which has work-friendly hours. When someone picks your child from school. If I were you I would battle round the nursery stage and quit if you want to when your first child hits primary. Then they will need your support. I did this and am now back working as DD has hit secondary and needs less wraparound care.

Give it time. If you still feel the same after three months think about it again. A week's nothing. If your kids are happy and thriving in child care it's not them you'd be quitting for.

Would you want to return to the same field/level after being at home? If so, it's probably not the best idea.

I've just gone back to work after being off for 5 years. It's much lower paid, completely different profession, and I'm starting at the bottom. But I'm very happy, and I loved my time at home as well.

Sorry for the late response. I have been so overwhelmed reading everyone's suggestions, advice and experiences. Thank you so so much for taking the time out to write.

So many things resonated. From giving it more time, to thinking about the long run. Everyone is right in saying that marriages aren't guaranteed. If today we divorced I definitely don't want to be in a desperate situation.

I will give it another couple of months (the nursery is already paid for anyway!) and then reevaluate the situation.

Thank you mums! I really needed you all today.