to be irritated now by harmless comparisons with DD

[SoaringSwallow]

This is long because I'll give some examples and don't want to drip feed - really not sure if IBU to feel irritated.

My DD is 5. Her best friend's DM (let's call her Laura), is nice, we get along, enjoy a chat when the girls play, but never socialise alone - partly because of time constraints I guess.

So Laura frequently makes comparisons between the two girls. It can be a few times a play date - including if they play after school while we chat - almost always happens at least once. I'd say in an hour it'd happen an absolute minimum of three times, but that could also be in a 5 min chat at the school gate!

Comparisons are like this and never in earshot of the girls:

• Oh look, your DD grew a centimetre or two over the holidays, now the girls aren't the same height. My DDs birthday is one month later than yours' so she'll catch up soon. Before the holiday my DD was just taller than your DD and she grew over the holidays your yours grew even more [My reply Hmmm, or I hadn't noticed (I don't notice height differences unless they're bigger, in my mind the girls are the same height)].

• Oh my DD's hair is so wild, no matter what I do it always looks wild, my DD must be like l'enfant terrible to the teacher. She must really stand out. Your DDs hair is always looking perfect. [They have completely different hair - and her daughter's hair is stunningly beautiful and is something you'd see in an ad]

• Your DD's hair is cut/grown, my DD's hair is longer/needs cutting (as in the opposite to whatever she thinks about my DD's).

• Oh look, your DD is wearing a coat, mine never does.

• Oh my son (he's 3) can already hold a pencil the correct way. And your DD I guess she does too? My DD has been able to do it for years. [I don't know how my DD holds it, she holds it fine for her age - according to the teacher].

She has asked about clothes size, shoe size, ability to cycle, how well my DD colours in lines/holds a pen/counts etc all in order to compare with her DD. Has asked me after every parent teacher meeting what teacher said about my DD!! First time I actually answered that, from then on I avoid - until she pushes more (which she does for all these things above) and I say "Oh it was over quickly, she didn't have much to say, everything is fine."

This has been going on over a year now. Every single time we're together more than a few minutes.

It's ALWAYS in the context of saying how great her daughter is (which she does as well and I don't begrudge her that, I just choose to not discuss my children in ways that inadvertently put others down - as long as they're all happy and healthy all's good in my book. I get we're all different!).

A big area is how advanced her children are in arts and crafts. I have no idea if they are. I don't really care tbh. My daughter drew her DD a picture for her birthday and to be fair it wasn't one of her best because she had the idea, started it then got bored and did something else. I asked if she wanted to give it still, she did, so fine. I could see Laura's shock (widened eyes) when she saw it (definitely no colouring in lines!) 😂

So why I'm asking this is because at herDD's birthday party the other week, we were leaving and went to get my DD's shoes. Laura picked them up and before giving them to me quickly looked inside to check the size! There was a lot going on and she didn't see that I saw (she knows the shoes, she wasn't looking for a name and the brand is written outside).

AIBU to be irritated by this? She's a well-meaning person who is kind and I like in many ways. I'd read on here of mothers who check other kids' school work and while I never thought she'd be like that, I am now wondering if she'd try. She's Class Rep too.

I couldn’t be doing with that and would avoid this person. Although you say that she is well-meaning and lovely “in other ways” this level of envy and aggression will pollute the friendship. She probably isn’t aware of her behaviour and so you wouldn’t be able to point it out without an argument. She lacks self-awareness. As I said, avoid.

Just to add - for her, this is a rivalry, not a friendship.

Have you tried changing the subject?
The kind person inside me wonders if she just struggles with what else to talk to you about

I’d say in a friendly voice ‘we I’m not going to compete with you on that! Haha’ or similar. I had this with a friend at uni, she was v competitive! After any assignment ‘what did you get’ in masses of detail. I just used to talk about it and it became a joke and we’re still friends.

Why not just say “I don’t like comparisons between children I don’t think they are helpful or useful” with a smile.

You don’t have to answer anything.

It does sound like she’s rather insecure tbh.

She sounds very insecure. That, or she has literally nothing else going on in her life, and her topics of conversation are restricted to how small children hold a pencil and their shoe size. I'm surprised you're still conscious.

Apart from anything else it sounds so boring! Hasn’t she got anything else to talk about?

In some the examples she’s complimenting your daughter and others she just sounds worried figuring out what’s “normal”.
She also just might have verbal diarrhoea and not have much else to talk about.

I think she sounds very insecure - like she is constantly trying to reassure herself that her DCs are 'normal'.

I dont think that sounds like a massive deal. Just sounds like you find her a bit irritating in general so dont enjoy her smalltalk. Dont worry about it

Sounds boring as fuck tbh. I think I’d either change the subject or go grey rock (is that the term?).

I think she sounds very insecure - like she is constantly trying to reassure herself that her DCs are 'normal'.
This ^^. I really don't see where anyone is getting competitive from. Insecure and not a great conversationalist. Try starting a conversation about something totally different so that you can have a good chat.

She just sounds completely insecure to be mentioning this kind of thing all the time. How sad for her children to feel as though they're constantly being measured and weighed and found wanting.

I'm another one who thinks that she sounds insecure, and is constantly trying to reassure herself about her DD's growth, progression, abilities etc. YANBU to be irritated by it though.

How empty is this woman's life? that the entertainment she craves is a shoe size or a height measurement.

we had a bit of that when they were little, but my DC is almost a year older than some of the kids in his class, so of course in Reception he's going to grasp things a little sooner than those who are a lot younger.

It evens out eventually, but she needs to find another topic of conversation, cos this one is super boring

just sounds like friendly chat to me, maybe just ask her opinion on other things... Brexit....smoked salmon....whatever

if she just struggles with what else to talk to you about

I wondered that as well. You may have absolutely nothing else in common. Sounds like desperately scratching around for something to talk about. The examples you gave don't sound bad.

She's insecure, so you have three choices:
A. Avoid her like the plague.
B. Make non committal noises and ignore.
C. Say you don't do the competitive thing with kids as comparison is the thief of joy and all that.

I am sure we can all tell similar stories. All I can say is these people are best avoided and it all tends to settle once their in secondary school as you don't have much to do with anyone else. Happy days.

How empty is this woman's life? that the entertainment she craves is a shoe size or a height measurement.
Or maybe she has a very full life but doesn't think OP will be up for a discussion on nuclear physics, Chinese poetry or the paintings of Rembrandt so goes for safe topics instead?
Don't be too quick to judge others or they may judge you, and you might be found wanting.

Point made Nikephorus, I too often look at both sides of the coin, but in this instance, the evidence appears to suggest there that Compare-o-Mum has nothing else to talk about. If she had, she'd have raised it by now.

you don't have to spend too much time near a school to find others similar to this. It's hardly rare, and certainly extremely dull.

As I said, I've met similar, but discouraged it at every turn because kids are what kids are and it's pointless trying to compete/keep up when growth and aptitude are completely out of everyone's control.

You could suggest a similar level of conversation is found with dog-walkers - situations with regular but brief and fairly meaningless contact. I have dull conversations - the weather, other peoples' dogs etc. - but it doesn't mean that I couldn't have a more interesting conversation. It's just that the people I meet aren't going to be interested in the sort of topics that interest me - they talk about their holidays (I don't have holidays), crap tv (I don't watch I'm A Celebrity etc.) and so on, whereas I'd talk about books, American football, history, mountaineering... So none of them have the faintest idea what I'm really like (or how remarkably interesting I really am!!) and they'd probably all declare me boring. I might compare my dog to theirs in a 'your dog can do such & such so much better than mine' but it's not because I think their dog is better or worse, it's just because we have bugger all in common & I'm trying to make polite conversation.

Yup, get the impression though that this is not the case here, sounds like it's gone on relentlessly too long

and no, you don't sound at all boring! I don't do crap tv either, and with all those levels of interests etc there would always be something to interest someone! By the sounds of it, a canine equivalent of this story would be a comparison of collar sizes and lead lengths.. that would challenge even the most positive and accommodating of conversationist

The merits of buckle collars versus the snappy ones that you adjust by pushing the collar material through the plastic bit (iyswim) - I could talk about that for a good couple of minutes Harness or not? At what age do they get bored of squeaky toys? Do they really understand the word 'treat' or are they just bouncing adorably because they know that gets them something tasty from the cupboard?
I could have great conversations if only people would stop talking about their sodding holidays!

My SIL did this with dd and her cousin. Definitely insecurity. But got difficult when she was even angsting about her ds being shorter than my dd: dd who was tall for her age was already self-conscious about her height.

What I had to realise in the end, though, was that it wasn't really about SIL and me: we were just the backdrop on a stage where our children were friends. Cutting down on contact time would be taking something valuable out of dd's life. They are now both adult, firm friends and not in the least bothered by some adult angsting that went on when they were little.

To whoever asked how full her life is - yes this is a factor maybe. It's full, but exclusively with the life of her children. She had a good, normal job before becoming a SAHM (so not a nuclear physicist!). She's really full-on the SAHM thing in a way that I look at and wish my kids could also have sometimes (I'm also a SAHM but more low key about it). She really enjoys it and her kids have a wonderful cocoon around them.

I think I'll give some of your responses a shot. She's nice, I don't want to upset her, but yes, it really does get boring at times and I don't want to feel irritated.

Btw I did turn it onto Brexit a few weeks ago. We live on the EU mainland. Her response was,"Oh, but you won't be affected by Brexit!". She rarely watches TV or looks at the news. I have mentioned it, but I guess she's in a bit of a bubble.