to be irritated now by harmless comparisons with DD

[SoaringSwallow]

This is long because I'll give some examples and don't want to drip feed - really not sure if IBU to feel irritated.

My DD is 5. Her best friend's DM (let's call her Laura), is nice, we get along, enjoy a chat when the girls play, but never socialise alone - partly because of time constraints I guess.

So Laura frequently makes comparisons between the two girls. It can be a few times a play date - including if they play after school while we chat - almost always happens at least once. I'd say in an hour it'd happen an absolute minimum of three times, but that could also be in a 5 min chat at the school gate!

Comparisons are like this and never in earshot of the girls:

• Oh look, your DD grew a centimetre or two over the holidays, now the girls aren't the same height. My DDs birthday is one month later than yours' so she'll catch up soon. Before the holiday my DD was just taller than your DD and she grew over the holidays your yours grew even more [My reply Hmmm, or I hadn't noticed (I don't notice height differences unless they're bigger, in my mind the girls are the same height)].

• Oh my DD's hair is so wild, no matter what I do it always looks wild, my DD must be like l'enfant terrible to the teacher. She must really stand out. Your DDs hair is always looking perfect. [They have completely different hair - and her daughter's hair is stunningly beautiful and is something you'd see in an ad]

• Your DD's hair is cut/grown, my DD's hair is longer/needs cutting (as in the opposite to whatever she thinks about my DD's).

• Oh look, your DD is wearing a coat, mine never does.

• Oh my son (he's 3) can already hold a pencil the correct way. And your DD I guess she does too? My DD has been able to do it for years. [I don't know how my DD holds it, she holds it fine for her age - according to the teacher].

She has asked about clothes size, shoe size, ability to cycle, how well my DD colours in lines/holds a pen/counts etc all in order to compare with her DD. Has asked me after every parent teacher meeting what teacher said about my DD!! First time I actually answered that, from then on I avoid - until she pushes more (which she does for all these things above) and I say "Oh it was over quickly, she didn't have much to say, everything is fine."

This has been going on over a year now. Every single time we're together more than a few minutes.

It's ALWAYS in the context of saying how great her daughter is (which she does as well and I don't begrudge her that, I just choose to not discuss my children in ways that inadvertently put others down - as long as they're all happy and healthy all's good in my book. I get we're all different!).

A big area is how advanced her children are in arts and crafts. I have no idea if they are. I don't really care tbh. My daughter drew her DD a picture for her birthday and to be fair it wasn't one of her best because she had the idea, started it then got bored and did something else. I asked if she wanted to give it still, she did, so fine. I could see Laura's shock (widened eyes) when she saw it (definitely no colouring in lines!) 😂

So why I'm asking this is because at herDD's birthday party the other week, we were leaving and went to get my DD's shoes. Laura picked them up and before giving them to me quickly looked inside to check the size! There was a lot going on and she didn't see that I saw (she knows the shoes, she wasn't looking for a name and the brand is written outside).

AIBU to be irritated by this? She's a well-meaning person who is kind and I like in many ways. I'd read on here of mothers who check other kids' school work and while I never thought she'd be like that, I am now wondering if she'd try. She's Class Rep too.

Mother of god. It sounds like ordinary small talk. I think you are being too sensitive really. Try and talk about something that you find more interesting if you really can't bear talking about the kids. From how you describe it, you make it sound like you just stand there in defeated silence, wanting to crawl up your own arse hole, while she bangs on about colouring pencils

Sounds like she literally has nothing else in her head but kids. I wouldn’t take offence. As you say it’s her bubble. Some people are just like that.

Glad you posted this. I have a friend who does exactly the same about our babies. Weight, height, milestones. Our babies have more than six months between them so my dd is obviously doing things first. It’s maddening as she constantly frames it that it’s bad that her dd isn’t sitting up etc but she is literally six fucking months younger than mine!

Ha ha I was first to post and - embarrassingly - almost everyone else has been way nicer and more compassionate than me! The friend that used to do this to me turned out to be a big heap of trouble and, yes she was massively insecure. However it went from mundane comparison to her actually being really bitchy about my DD or totally ignoring her while fawning over my DS. At that point I drew a line under the friendship.

She sounds like someone who hasn’t got a clue what to talk to you about.

It either bothers you or it doesn’t, personally I don’t care about other children, I care about mine, and so long as it’s just to me I just ignore it. Or respond with a yes or no. It is so not worth getting wound up about.

Just say to her firmly, "The kids aren't in competition with eachother, please stop making comparisons. I don't", and she'll stop. She doesn't mean any harm but some people like talking drivel, not enough else to think about.

Start talking to her seriously about the third world and the plight of the Rohingyas and see how she fares.

Every time she makes a comparison just make a bored mmmm sound then change the subject...if she changes the subject back and says her daughter is this and your daughter is that etc, say something like oh I don't bother with that nonsense of comparing with other kids, I'm only interested in my own little girl and her progress and achievements and she's perfect to me, I don't need to compare her to anyone else ...then smile and change the subject, then if she goes back to comparing just mumble a hmmm or mmmm and change the subject back...she will eventually get bored and get the message when she realises you won't play her comparing kids game

She’s just trying to make conversation and from what you’ve said I wouldn’t be offended by it for now

Myself and partner still talk about the time a friend's DS (of same age) was heard to say "helicopter" when DD hadn't yet said "Dada". And the same friend still remembers DD climbing all over the equipment at Toddler Gym when her son would barely move from the bench.

12 years later DD talks just fine and friend's DS moves around just fine so all the agonizing seems ridiculous. It's natural to compare but sounds like friend's Mum is taking it a bit far.

It sounds to me like she is deeply insecure. All these comparisons (whether in favour or "against" her DD) translate into her really saying "I'm doing this parent thing right, please tell me".

I feel a bit sorry for her. What an anxious way to live your life. I felt that a lot when DS was very young but I had PND. Now I'm much more at ease with him developing at his own pace.

Your action next really depends on how much you value the friendship. Do you feel close enough to talk to her about it? Could a few kind words from you upfront about her DD stem the tide of her insecurity?

This isn't your problem to solve, but I'd advise approaching with compassion. This isn't balance behaviour and it's clear she feels a pressure for get and her DD to "perform". It must be exhausting.