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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss this wedding?

30 replies

Appygolucky1234 · 13/09/2018 00:57

Baby is 8m. Exclusively breastfed, co sleeps and at the moment still wakes several times a night- more if I’m not right next to her.

Have a very dear friend’s wedding in 3 weeks. Travelling there would require a long haul flight and because of time difference we would be away 4 days/ nights total to attend wedding.

Taking baby is I think a complete no no as the long haul flights within 48 h of each other would be murder for all of us.

Alternative is to leave baby with granny (who has expressed willing) for 4 days. Risk of this going badly, although it is just before I go back to work anyway.

AIBU to want to sit out the wedding and not risk putting my baby and mum through potentially v difficult few days? Granny is also going to be doing childcare for first 2m of my return to work.

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 13/09/2018 01:01

I think the bride would totally understand.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 13/09/2018 01:03

You obviously don’t want to go and you have very good reasons why it’s a bad idea. Let’s not get started on friends who decide to get married in another country expecting others to shell out loads of money, use up annual leave etc
You have a breast fed 8mth old.
If your friend is a true friend she will understand

Bosabosa · 13/09/2018 01:08

I would not have done this. Your friend will understand

Original poster
Appygolucky1234 · 13/09/2018 01:09

@Aintnothingbutaheartache

I do really want to- my return to work date was actually set for after the wedding rather than before so that I wouldn’t go back to work and then immediately on holiday but now my husband can’t take anything more than the Friday/Monday for travel so we would have to go for W weekend.

In these circumstances I don’t want to go though as I’m worried about baby (she’ll be fine I’m sure Ultimatley) but almost feel more guilty because friend (the groom actually) is the nicest person who would totally understand but equally would go out of his way for us.

Agree w you re foreign weddings but in this case it’s where the bride is from and all her family etc (who would find it harder to travel for visa reasons than the grooms side) so even that has good reasons!

OP posts:
bumpertobumper · 13/09/2018 01:14

Does your baby crawl? Stationary babies aren't much trouble on long haul ime. It is once they are on the move it gets tricky.

Could you go earlier alone to make it more worth the long journey?

That is if you want to... fine not to.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 13/09/2018 01:15

Appy you are are clearly a good mum and a good friend. You want to do the right thing I can tell. I would say don’t go. It’s 2 weeks away from dc. If you felt able to take dc and have a brilliant time then yes but otherwise it’s giving you a pile of worry on top of being a new mum

SnowBambino · 13/09/2018 01:17

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable not to go. We’ve just declined a wedding invitation that would mean a 28 hour journey and would cost us at least £4K in flights alone. It’s just too much for us with DD who will be 9 months old. It’s a shame as in my head it would be a wonderful experience and a trip of a lifetime, but I can already see that the reality would be very different, and it would likely just be hard work, stressful and not enjoyable enough to justify the huge price tag.

However, YABVU if you’ve said you would go, then are pulling out at the last minute for reasons that would have been fairly apparent a while ago. The wedding is only 3 weeks away - presumably your friend has planned for you to be there and will potentially lose money on wasted places for you and DH. That’s not really on.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 13/09/2018 01:33

OP, why are you asking this question three weeks before the wedding? Confused

Purpleartichoke · 13/09/2018 01:51

I wouldn’t leave a baby that old and taking an 8 month old on a whirlwind trip and wedding will not be fun for any of you. I would stay home. Send a nice gift and a heartfelt card with a decent letter inside congratulating your friend and letting her know how happy you are for her.

Original poster
Appygolucky1234 · 13/09/2018 01:54

Because my husband’s work now won’t let him go for this week - we had planned to go for a week, taking baby and having a holiday around the wedding.

Nature of his work means that there was always a risk that we would not be able to attend (quite high risk) which friend knew about so we were always in the awful position of saying we would love to come but we’re not sure, we’ll do our best. And now it’s looking like it will be v difficult to make it.

Me going out early could be an option though, will look at options in the morning! They will have gone to a lot of expense for this. I remember being pretty annoyed at last minute (I mean on the day) cancellations for our wedding.

Do you think they’d prefer just a really really nice gift though?

OP posts:
Original poster
Appygolucky1234 · 13/09/2018 01:56

@Purplearrichoke

She is a super chilled baby- generally very sociable and happy. Doesn’t much like loud environments though...and messing up her sleep with an 8hr time difference probably not the greatest idea before I go back to work.

Thinking back it was probably quite stupid to imagine going with the baby. But we didn’t know what it would be like before she was born!! And I just thought that by 8m she would sleep through... the naïveté!

OP posts:
TheMythicalChicken · 13/09/2018 02:41

It is a nice place to go for a holiday? If so, I would go and maybe stay a few more days. If not, I wouldn't go.

Jent13c · 13/09/2018 03:32

I couldn’t go without baby at that stage. We did go on holiday at around 8 months (4h time difference) and baby was an absolute dream which wasn’t his normal behaviour but it was for a week, not a couple of days. Has baby had any overnights away before? My son had his first night at grandmas at 17m and that was the catalyst for stopping feeding which I was absolutely fine with but would you be ok with that at this stage if it happened?

MiddleClassProblem · 13/09/2018 03:41

Don’t go. They’re half expecting you not to anyway. Send a nice gift (for or after) and if they’re stay in a hotel maybe send a bottle of bubbles to their room x

Original poster
Appygolucky1234 · 13/09/2018 12:41

No overnights without baby yet and I absolutely don’t want to jeopardise feeding/ supply. Think it’s not going to work unless I go on my own for a few days- it’s not somewhere I will be happy wandering around on my own though. Thanks for advice and support.

Will send v v v nice gift!

OP posts:
Nemesia · 13/09/2018 12:46

It sounds like you haven't booked your flights yet, so I'm guessing that last minute flights to a long haul destination are going to cost at least £1000. You could get a really really nice gift for that!

user1471457757 · 13/09/2018 12:51

What about taking your mum with you instead of your husband? Could you then stay a little longer?

Sparklyfee · 13/09/2018 14:20

I'd go, sounds like your baby will be fine with the travelling. But I agree, take your Mum instead of your husband

CassandraLamontaigne · 13/09/2018 14:28

Don't go. Too far to leave baby. You might not have left enough milk but you might also get mastitis and you will have to pump frequently. If baby doesn't settle for Nana then you're stuck ages away. Send apologies and a lovely oree

CassandraLamontaigne · 13/09/2018 14:28

*present

LeftRightCentre · 13/09/2018 14:33

There's no way I'd go. But then I would never go to a destination wedding, anyhow as I think they are utter wank.

Stupomax · 13/09/2018 14:54

There's no way I'd go. But then I would never go to a destination wedding, anyhow as I think they are utter wank.

The wedding is being held in the country where the bride and all her family are from, because it would be difficult for them to travel to the UK. What's 'wank' about that?

OP - I would either go on your own for the whole week, or not go at all. I wouldn't feel guilty about not being able to go. You have a young baby, you're about to go back to work, your husband's work has just moved the goalposts. There's only so much you can control.

I got married abroad because that was what my visa required, and I totally understood that some people couldn't make it, and that some people's plans changed at the last minute.

EmUntitled · 13/09/2018 20:28

Can you go for the week as planned and your husband can join you for the weekend?
If you want to go and baby is generally easy it seems a shame to miss out. Presumably you have already booked flights etc so you will lose a lot of money as well as the experience.

Alpacanorange · 13/09/2018 20:30

The long haul flight would end it for me. Everything else is just life with a baby.

EmUntitled · 13/09/2018 20:31

If you haven't left baby before, leaving for 4 nights and being so far away will be tough. Plus if shes still ebf your boobs will probably explode after not feeding for 4 days!