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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really really worried about friend and not sure what to do next

31 replies

lastqueenofscotland · 12/09/2018 15:53

Here for traffic really.
A good friend of mine asked me to come round for wine and a film last night so I did and they confided with me that they literally never feel happy. Sad
They have moments when they enjoy themselves but they haven’t been happy in literally years and are at best content but often very very depressed or very very angry.
I didn’t really know what to do or say so just gave them a hug and said I was there for them.
I really want to help them but I don’t know what to do. They’ve been through the mill a bit in the last 18 months and I’m really really worried Sad

OP posts:
Coconutcreampie · 12/09/2018 16:00

I don't think feeling happy is really a thing. I never feel what I would perceive as happy either. And like your friend, I have brief moments of enjoyment but most of the time it's just kinda blah. Do you feel happy? Honestly?

bastardlyandmutley · 12/09/2018 16:04

I read your post and thought isn't that how everybody feels? I haven't felt truly and consistently happy since I was a student, nearly 25 years ago.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/09/2018 16:09

People who are saying they don't feel happy- no its not how everyone feels. I feel happy. I was suffering from depression laat year so am very aware how contented I feel. Sometimes things upset me or get in the way of the happiness temporarily but i generally feel happy.

OP I would suggest your friend sees a GP. There is a questionnaire you can do to identify whether you are depressed you may be able to find it online. In my area you can self refer for counselling as well though the waiting list will likely be long, if they have the means perhaps they should look into private counselling

Original poster
lastqueenofscotland · 12/09/2018 16:11

I’m not saying a constant State of happiness is normal but to literally NEVER feel happy surely isn’t?
And your default emotion to be down or angry isn’t normal either

OP posts:
hannah1992 · 12/09/2018 16:12

I don't think anybody is happy all of the time. We have responsibilities etc that are stressful but to say you never feel happy is awful.

I'd say I'm pretty happy with life as it is at the minute. We are comfortable have 2 children a solid relationship with dh. However, there have been times over the years where I've been dreadfully unhappy, loss of family member, dh lost his job and we almost lost our house. But life ebbs and flows.

In regards to you friend OP. Without knowing what's been happening lately I would say they are going through a rough time in life and perhaps her talking to you and venting a bit has helped her already just to get it off her chest. All you can do is be there for a chat, reassurance and offer a shoulder if she needs one.

WaitingForSunday17 · 12/09/2018 16:19

I never feel happy. Occasionally I might enjoy something but then I think ‘this will be over soon’ and then I stop enjoying it.
I can’t think of the last time I was ‘happy.’ Isn’t that just being an adult?! It’s all just a bit blah until you get old, then it gets worse and then you die?!

60sname · 12/09/2018 16:23

I can’t think of the last time I was ‘happy.’ Isn’t that just being an adult?! It’s all just a bit blah until you get old, then it gets worse and then you die?!

Not it's not just being an adult! Please talk to your GP about how you feel

Sonders · 12/09/2018 16:27

It is not uncommon to not feel happy, but that's not a good thing. In my experience, before being diagnosed with depression I'd had years of 'not feeling happy' that eventually turned into not feeling anything. It's the extreme emotions that you lose first.

It's nice to hear you're worried about your friend, the best thing you can do is be there for a chat, and to encourage her to do the things that make her happy. I find it bizarre that as adults, doing things we love is no longer a priority.

So many children love art, exploring and messy activities - but as adults these hobbies are frivolous and often looked down upon. I only started coming out of a 16 year depression when I set aside time for the things that could make me happy.

AviatorShades · 12/09/2018 16:29

Wine, you say?
It's gin that does it for meGrin

AlleyG · 12/09/2018 16:32

Tell her to move to stop listening to butter commercials, and move to West Covina... brand new pals and new career.

KateAdiesEarrings · 12/09/2018 16:38

What you do next depends on how she was confiding the news. Was she just being pragmatic about her levels of happiness? Or do you feel it was a cry for help?
If the latter, then I'd focus on offering specific help related to whatever has been going on in the last 18 months eg if it was bereavement then find out about bereavement counselling; if it was losing their job then help them to apply for others/volunteer/retrain. If she's depressed then just keeping in touch regularly and arranging to see her/go out together will help too.

Lovemusic33 · 12/09/2018 16:42

It’s not how everyone feels.

Your friend has asked you for help by telling you how she feels, you can help by just being there, by popping over for a cuppa or a girly night, by checking up on her from time to time (asker her how she is).

I have suffered depression, anxiety and often wonder if I am bi polar. I’m not always unhappy, a few years ago I could have easily been your friend, stuck in a rut, in a rubbish marriage feeling like my life was going nowhere, it’s not how everyone feels, I know that now because I feel happy (yes I have days where I’m not happy but over all I am happy with my life).

WaitingForSunday17 · 12/09/2018 16:49

There’s not much to be happy about though I find. Kids are a worry. When you reach middle age your parents become a worry too. It’s one relentless slog and really there’s no point to it all is there? That’s what I think anyway. My kids get me down and I wish I hadn’t had them.

Loopytiles · 12/09/2018 16:51

It’s good that they opened up about their mental health. Mental health charities have some good guidance for concerned friends and family.

Adelino · 12/09/2018 16:58

OP you can follow up your kind words from yesterday saying that you have been thinking about them and what they said and that you are always there if they want to chat or if they want anybody to accompany them to get some help to get their spark back.
This acknowledges what they've said and doesn't belittle it but leaves things in their hands rather than being pushy.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/09/2018 16:59

Suggest to your friend that she first see a doctor (psychologist or psychiatrist) and then a reputable counselor. Never feeling happy is a symptom of many MH conditions, some serious some not so serious. But she can be helped.

AllyG West Covina? Seriously? Glendora or Claremont maybe, but never West Covina!!!

Shaboohshoobah1 · 12/09/2018 17:03

Bloody hell this is a depressing read! I’m happy - I have always been happy and love my life. It’s not particularly interesting or special (mum to 2DC, good marriage, mortgage, job I love but never enough money - same as a lot of us) but I think life is bloody brilliant. So much to do and see and I am excited for my children’s future and what they will see/do as they get older. I’m sure I can’t be the only person who feels like this?

OP I would worry about your friend too - I don’t think that is normal. I’d encourage her to speak to someone about it who may be able to help. You sound like a lovely friend Smile

BlueJava · 12/09/2018 17:29

To "literally never feel happy" surely cannot be normal! I feel happy most of the time. I've got a job I love (very important and a big factor), love my OH and 2 DS - if you're not happy then you need to make fundamental changes so you are in my opinion.

GuessTheFruit · 12/09/2018 17:30

I know how your friend feels. And I have been diagnosed with chronic depression. So if I were you, I would encourage her to see her doctor.

MissusGeneHunt · 12/09/2018 17:33

OP what you did was lovely. If she knows you're there for her that's brilliant. Deffo see if she could get to the docs, and as a PP said, research what friends and family can do for those who are not well mentally.

Thanks for being there for her. So many friends get dropped when the going gets tough. A friend of mine just texts me 'a happy day' when she knows I'm unwell. Even if I don't answer she knows I'm grateful, and I know she's there.

Lovemusic33 · 12/09/2018 17:33

Some people are never happy because they are too focused on the bad things in their lives and not the good things. We all expereance stress in our lives, it often feels like things never go right? But it’s easy to forget the good things whilst being focused on the bad?

I often regret having kids, it hasn’t been easy but they are bloody amazing despite taking up a lot of my time. My kids are disabled and I’m a single mum but life’s not all bad, we enjoy a lot of things, we have fun, we live life the best we can. I know there’s people a lot worse off. Life is what you make it, sometimes things don’t go to plan so you plan another route.

Lalliella · 12/09/2018 17:35

Your friend has made 2 steps on the way to happiness - 1) she has a lovely friend in you who really cares about her, and 2) she has started to open up about the way she feels. Step 3) is probably to go and see her GP for some help and to be assessed for depression. Flowers for you for being a good friend.

Emmageddon · 12/09/2018 17:38

Oh gosh it's not normal to never feel happy! Please encourage your friends to seek some kind of psychological help. Mindfulness, MoodGYM - all free, all fantastic resources for anyone struggling with mental health.

Haireverywhere · 12/09/2018 17:48

OP did you suggest counselling? The PHQ 9 tool (free online too) is a depression self assessment. It's not perfect but a good indicator that someone might be struggling and worth a chat about counselling or CBT.

Haireverywhere · 12/09/2018 17:49

Forgot to say you're a lovely friend!

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