To be a little bit irked

[buttonnosed]

Disclaimer: This is bothering me a bit, but not enough to kick off or cause any problems. I just wanted to get a view on whether I'm being silly.

My dgp recently died. It was expected and still unbelievably sad. In their will they left some money to my df who has said that he is happy to forgo it and doesn't need it. It's not megabucks but enough to help us all out.

Da is executor and initially said she was going to split it equally between myself and my two siblings. However my eldest sibling has said it should be split equally between us and the great grandchildren.

We all have kids but my eldest sibling has a few more than myself and my other sibling and thus, a larger share will go to them.

I'm not going to kick a fuss over it and this sibling has a bit of a rep of being sort of subconsciously grabby (items my mum had told me we're to be left to me they created a whole emotional story about how dm has pointed to them on her death bed and pointed to them indicating she wanted them to have them - funnily enough they were the highest value but also personal to my relationship with dm ).

I just feel a bit miffed that she's putting her oar in at what is a difficult time for da and all the family. Df doesn't really care either way.

We've always maintained between the three of us that we'd never argue over inheritance etc and but they are well off and our other sibling is pretty wealthy. We're not broke but things are tight and our kids are small. However I often wonder if she uses this caveat to be a bit ... grabby? Knowing we won't kick off.

Would you be a bit irked?

Fully expecting to be called a grabby

As the inheritance was meant for your father I think you should be grateful you're getting any money tbh.

I do understand your position.

I think the fairest thing to do is split it equally between the siblings and then you can decide how to proceed with giving some to your children.

Oh absolutely! I totally agree and I feel very fortunate. Though I'd much rather see my dgp again.

I think it's more about the bigger picture of my sibling has done similar things in the past and are they taking advantage of us not kicking off. I'm just thinking are we going to end up with a situation later on where they "stake claim" to sentimental things and we end up upset and resentful of them for it. Photo albums etc.

Yes if your df doesn't want it suggest to da that it is split between df's children and then up to that child if they want tongive a portion of that share to their children

@ShalomJackie that was what da said but then my eldest sibling has chimed in and convinced her it's "fairer" to split it between us and our children individually.

So say there were 10 of us in total and there was £10k for example, then everybody would get £1,000 with eldest siblings 4 children each getting some as well as them but other sibling only has one child, I have two etc.

DA is obviously very upset at the moment as well so it feels a tad manipulative. I know eldest sibling is only looking after their kids but they've paid for cars, weddings, helped with deposits on houses etc already.

It should be split between the siblings and not grandchildren. YANBU. The challenge is whether you say anything or let it go. Very difficult. In your shoes I probably would say something, but broach it carefully. After all, your eldest sibling was comfortable with rocking the boat, so that does open it up for you to put your view forward.

So the will left this money to your father, but he doesn't want it and now there are disagreements about how to split it? I would be saying he needs to make the call on how it's divided up since all this comes from his decision.
Da is your aunt? Does she get nothing?
Re the items from your mum, when did that all happen? How was it resolved?

Then tell da that if that is what dgf would have wanted he'd have done that. As dgf has split between his own children da and df then it seems logical to just split between df's children.

If she is being this awkward and grabby now I pity you when it comes tondealing with your own parents estates.

I don't think it's that unusual to do it that way. When My DGM died I received money in her will and it was clear that a portion of it was for my DC. (I wasn't executer so I don't know how exactly it was decided who got what). Personally unless the DC are grown up I'd probably share it equally among the adult children but it's also not crazy to do it the way it's being done. I do understand why you're pissed off if your sibling is always grabby.

Then tell da that if that is what dgf would have wanted he'd have done that

He didn't say that in his will though so it's pointless trying to persuade the executor.

DF needs to say what happens next imo.

What does your DF think should happen with his inheritance.
I think DA should give it to him as stipulated in the will and then let him split it as he wishes.
I think you should explain to DF why the initial way of splitting is fairer. Your sibling can hardly complain that you are arguing when it is them who made the money grabbing move in the first place.

DA is getting the majority of the legacy and we fully support that. We actually, as a collective, told her to keep this as well but she's insisted it be split between us.

DF won't get involved (and doesn't really have the capacity to really). With the previous things I just let them go, I was quite young at the time and was obviously distraught over dm's death.

Because of the relationship with this sibling anything I say would just be brushed off. There's a lot of pleading poverty (home is paid off, brand new cars etc most expenses come from bank rolling the adult kids).

With DH's estate we're already prepared for a huge fall out from that, but from outside forces. This is where the general agreement over not falling out over inheritance/family items stems from. They're a bit like a bulldozer which is great in most situations because they always fight for us, but equally will throw other sibling and I under the bus for their family.

Other sibling couldn't care less at all. They just let them get on with it.

What if you were to have another child?

Why isn't your DF making the decisions. It's his money being given away.

Stand firm on the sentimental items.

If you permit the CF to get away with grabbiness they will do it more (because you've led them.to believe it is acceptable) and your relationship will be ruined by resentment.

Stand up for yourself quietly but firmly and be totally unmoving about the stuff that matters. Like you would if your child announced they were going to only eat chocolate for breakfast every day. No matter the pleading, crying, "reasons", it just is not happening.

@DeepDarkWoods nope that's all done and dusted. I agree though but I can assure that we've completed all our families.

@RabbitsAreTasty df has diminished capacity. If they had the money it would get siphoned off by a third party (this why we were so relieved when he said to da to keep it!)

By third party, not meaning to dripfeed, it's an individual which is a whole other thread but yeah, needless to say if the dp found out she'd manipulate him to change his mind and get it in her own account. (Ooh our family is a bloody mess!)

Tell your sister you would prefer for it to be split between siblings. She is entitled to split her share however she likes. Standing up to her is not being confrontational it is just standing your ground. If she kicks off remimd her that you agreed not to fall out over inheritance.

I think the executor's decision should be final. That's the way to avoid arguments over the will.

I am my aunt's executor and I am following her wishes to the letter. I've had people approach me saying there were items she wanted them to have (her car being one of them) and I replied no she's made no provision for that I'm just carrying out her wishes. (Mainly because I suspect extreme CFery) I get that your df doesn't need the money but he's not honouring your dgp's wishes by refusing. He wants to see his children get the benefit of it and I think it should be equal between the 3 of you. Without trying to sound morbid, if he passed away and there was no will, everything would be split 3 ways as his children are next of kin, how many offspring, how big their mortgage is, whether they'll fritter it is irrelevant. Is there a solicitor involved in administering your dgp's estate, it might be worth getting their advice. The amount involved could have tax implications if it has to be classed as a gift from df rather than a legacy.

I also feel it's disrespectful to your father to try to alter his wishes. He was the beneficiary so it's his money to give away as he chooses. I really don't feel the executor should be listening to someone who is not named in the will.

People will call you grabby because this is mumsnet... but I am with you on this one. My partners DGF executors did similar and split his estate between all the family. This meant my SILS children have a nice chunk of money sat in there bank accounts waiting for them to turn 21. However, at the time we had no children, so ours have nothing. It just doesn’t seem fair to me? It’s certainly not something I would put in my will, I intend to split any assets equally between my children and they can use it as they see fit

The executor shouldn't over-ride the will at all. They should distribute the assets as per the will, then the beneficiaries do what they want to it.

Update for everybody. My df has c hanged his mind suddenly and has had it transferred to his partner's account instead. Obviously this would have in no way been influenced by her of course. It's what we expected anyway so no massive shock but I'm just relieved he wasn't named as joint with my da.

My poor da has rung in such a flap because he changed the bank details and she needs a direct paper trail to his name rather than his partner's and she thinks she'll get in legal trouble because if it.