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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset he's not speaking to me?

60 replies

HannaPintura · 12/09/2018 08:26

I started dating someone a few months ago but because of us both having holidays during this time we have only met up five times or so.

For a few of the dates he turned up and said he was really tired after a busy weekend with his son and would've cancelled on me because he was so tired but didn't because he knew it would upset me.

A few weekends ago he rang me up and said that he was going to come over to see me but he was too tired.

I think when you first start dating someone you want to see them all the time and there's a lot of excitement there. He's seemed very much into me otherwise by texting regularly and ringing me most nights where we would chat for an hour or so and get on really great.

On Sunday just gone, after I returned from my holiday we made plans for him to come round. I was really excited. About an hour after he should've set off for my house he called me saying he was unwell with a stomach upset and that he wouldn't be coming. This pissed me off as it was late afternoon by this point and he had all morning to cancel on me and I had rushed home early from my holiday that day so we could have a good few hours together, so I was a bit short with him on the phone and later text him saying he could've told me in the morning rather than when he was supposed to be arriving.

On Monday we text each other, but not as often as usual, but yesterday I didn't hear from him at all which is really upsetting me because I like him. Usually he texts lots and he has always been the first to text and seemed very keen. I don't know what's happened? Confused

OP posts:
Porridgeprincess · 12/09/2018 09:32

Hand on heart OP, this happened to me about 4 times in the past. The shock and unfairness that a person who chased you into liking them suddenly goes cold is horrible. But looking back on every single one of those guys I thank fuck nothing developed !!

AnnieAnoniMoose · 12/09/2018 09:39

I’m sorry you’re upset, but you’re going to have to sort yourself out a bit.

He’s probably married.

You’ve not long come out of a horrid relationship. You have seen this guy 5 times and it’s already horrid. Don’t see him again. You’re going to need to find some self esteem, some self confidence and some self preservation skills. Dating is a numbers game.

Yes it felt nice that he was ‘into’ you, that’s understandable after coming out of a horrible relationship, but you’re clinging to him like a life raft with a hole in it. You can’t do that, it’ll drag you under. Let go, learn to swim.

LanguidLobster · 12/09/2018 09:43

You'll meet someone nicer who can give you more

HollowTalk · 12/09/2018 09:45

Just send him a message, "You are wasting my time" and then block and delete etc. When you get back onto the site, it really wouldn't surprise me if he was there.

MiddleClassProblem · 12/09/2018 09:46

Think of him like a starter kit for dating.

Honestly, if he’s like this now can you imagine going on and on like this? You need someone with a bit more pep.

Baddit · 12/09/2018 09:51

After a 'horrid 10 year relationship' I think you need some space to find your own feet, remind yourself of who you are and what you really want.

Annalogy · 12/09/2018 09:56

Are you sure that there's no one else on the scene, OP?

troodiedoo · 12/09/2018 09:56

I know it stings. quit while you're behind though. it's not supposed to be this much hard work, especially in the early days.

butlerswharf · 12/09/2018 09:59

Forget him. He's keeping you on the back burner as a fall back option. That's no way to date.

Original poster
HannaPintura · 12/09/2018 11:02

Thanks for all your replies. Still no text today but I feel more positive. It definitely hurts because I really liked him and it made it seem he liked me a lot too. Never mind, eh?

OP posts:
CruCru · 12/09/2018 11:29

One scenario - this man genuinely is so tired / peaky that he cannot meet up with a woman he has recently started dating. If you stay with him, he would be someone who permanently has something wrong with him (bad back / upset stomach / whatever) and can never be relied upon. You deserve better.

More probable scenario - he isn't that keen / is married / likes the thrill of getting messages from OLD sites but has cold feet about actually meeting up. You deserve better.

Please delete and block and arrange to meet someone else. The next one will (I hope) be a really nice guy.

Birdsgottafly · 12/09/2018 11:30

Just remember that it isn't about him liking you, or anything about you.

I found that some men OLD like all the chat and banter, but actually don't want a relationship, or even RL sex.

He's your first proper contact with a possible romantic interest after a bad relationship, so treat it as a learning curve. You liked the face he put on, that turned out not to be him. You haven't lost anything by not seeing him again, IYSWIM.

Original poster
HannaPintura · 12/09/2018 12:44

Thanks for all your replies. They've really helped Smile

OP posts:
Eurovision · 12/09/2018 12:57

I had similar when old. It hurt at the time but when I met the real deal it felt so different and I knew it was worth pursuing. Good luck.

yummyeclair · 12/09/2018 13:18

Read the book: The Rules . Follow it to the letter and you will end up with a God of a man who worships you not someone who is just not into you.

Birdsgottafly · 12/09/2018 13:48

Don't read the rules, unless you've gone back to the 1950's.

Aim for a mutually respectful, equal relationship, with no game playing.

Aim for a decent Man who is caring towards you. Worship isn't healthy.

Talith · 12/09/2018 13:51

I only see my boyfriend once a fortnight and after a year we are always thrilled to jump into each others arms. This hasn't started well really has it. If he's making you cry it's really not a place you want to be.

Original poster
HannaPintura · 12/09/2018 15:15

Still no texts. Arrggh I can't understand it. He was so into me! Sad

OP posts:
TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 12/09/2018 15:16

I don't know what's happened?

What's happened is you have got way too overinvested in someone you don't even know.

Brakebackcyclebot · 12/09/2018 15:28

OP, sorry to hear this has happened to you.

Now, what you can do about it.... You said you cried about it last night - if you think about how you felt, was it because you are hurt by him not contacting you, or was it because you are hurt by his rejection. Being rejected is always painful, it wounds the pride. But it doesn't necessarily mean you were falling for him. Just the IDEA of him, or someone who was interested in you.

So now, please do 5 star jumps, listen to a loud song like Katy Perry's Roar on full volume and dance around the room, and then go and do something that you enjoy, meet up with someone who makes you laugh, and make sure you smile. I put money on you feeling better after that.

You are worth more than a man who meets you 5 times in a few months. Do some work to find out who you are, what you like, what matters to you - so that when you do meet someone you really like, who deserves you, you know who you are and are secure and happy in yourself.

KlutzyDraconequus · 12/09/2018 18:13

He was so into me!

I don't men to kick whilst your down op and I mean this in the nicest possible way.

Never listen to what a date says, always listen to what a date does.

Endless txt, calls and emails etc are all nonsense, take everything that's said with a massive truck of salt.
If they follow up their messaging with equal levels of dating and physical contact etc , fab, they're worth pursuing.
If they don't follow up with equal real effort and they disappear, wave them off and move onto something better.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 12/09/2018 19:49

I was with someone similar for just about a year. He did and said all the right things for the first few months, then stopped making an effort. So like a fool I stepped up and pandered to him while he just went along with it, saying and doing enough to keep me coming back. He'd get into strops over nothing and flounce off leaving me to apologise (when it wasn't my fault) and go running after him. Eventually I got bored and didn't go running after him and so he didn't come after me.

I did get a text from him a few weeks ago trying to make amends, but the truth was through my job I occasionally get free tickets to various sporting events and get to meet some of the players. He was just using me for that and decided to attempt to get me back as the rugby season has now started!

There were other red flags as well. He was very controlling and gaslighted me. I, glad to see the back of him, but the fact that I'm single again at 44 is depressing.

Oysterbabe · 12/09/2018 19:52

If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating.

Crunchymum · 12/09/2018 19:56

Have you had sex? Did his interest begin to wane after you slept together?

Oysterbabe · 12/09/2018 19:57

It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less even a vague pathetic facsimile of less than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.

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