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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu about no message

29 replies

jenzlou · 11/09/2018 23:14

Perfectly happy to be told I am being unreasonable. In fact I kind of hope I am being unreasonable.

Slight backstory is boyfriend has in past been disloyal while drunk. Also he is extremely loving when not drunk.

He went to a funeral. Not messaged me all day. I've needed to get hold of him for something important to me, also I've been wondering how he is as it's a sad day. I couldn't attend.
I finally managed to get through to him at ten in the evening and he was very very drunk.

Would you take it personal that he didn't think to pick up his phone, but could manage to get drunk. Or am I being a bitch?

Want to add that I've not had a go at him. I'm just feeling upset about it. I've had a rough time with my mental health lately which I've only just started to accept myself really. This could just be due to what's happened in the past and my , what's getting to be, ridiculous anxiety.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 11/09/2018 23:18

Honestly today or all days I'd let it go if it was a close family /friend.

However the has in past been disloyal while drunk presumably means he cheated on you. Long term if you can't get over it and trust him then you need to rethink your relationship

Returnofthesmileybar · 11/09/2018 23:18

It's one day and he was at a funeral, no it wouldn't bother me at all do no I wouldn't take it personally. That's not to say you are a bitch though. What do you mean disloyal? Whos funeral was it?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 11/09/2018 23:18

If it's not a close person sho has died and he knew you would want to talk to him about this thing today then you have a right to be annoyed otherwise YABU.

Original poster
jenzlou · 11/09/2018 23:20

No he didn't know that there was something I need to talk to him about.

Also he didn't physically cheat no.

He does constantly message me throughout the day though. And when he finally did reply he was quite flippant about it sayong don't take it personal, he was busy. But he was very very clearly drunk.

OP posts:
Secretsquirrel101 · 11/09/2018 23:20

Hm. To be honest, I’m inclined to think YABU, without knowing much context. Funerals can be very strange and you get caught up in them, it’d be very normal not to be texting all day I would think. I’d let this one go.

Singlenotsingle · 11/09/2018 23:21

You are being a bit U. He was at a funeral, presumably someone close. I don't know if you've been to one OP, but they are quite emotional. He could have picked up the phone, but he knew you were ok. It wouldn't bother me personally, (unless I thought he was up to no good).

Secretsquirrel101 · 11/09/2018 23:21

I don’t think him being drunk is all that relevant tbh

Jenb2104 · 11/09/2018 23:24

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It takes less than 10 seconds to send a message. I would be annoyed.

Losingthewill1 · 11/09/2018 23:24

Leave him

CoughLaughFart · 11/09/2018 23:25

It’s a funeral. You getting in a strop about him not pandering to you all day long is ridiculous.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/09/2018 23:25

Was it a close person op?

BackforGood · 11/09/2018 23:27

I would be Hmm at someone on their phone all day at a funeral / gathering after a funeral.

If you are asking particularly if he is unreasonable not to be in touch with you at a funeral, then he is not.
I get the feeling this isn't specifically about this one occasion though.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 11/09/2018 23:28

He got drunk at a funeral potentially to mask his emotions. Personally I wouldn't read anymore into it than that. Sounds like you dont really trust him and I don't blame you but maybe you need to work on that or leave because you don't want a situation where you are breathing down his neck and making him feel suffocated.

Orlandointhewilderness · 11/09/2018 23:28

yabu

Original poster
jenzlou · 11/09/2018 23:30

I'm not getting in a strop. and certainly not for not pandering to me all day. It was the fact that there was no message or reply. Not one. And when he did reply it just seemed like he'd been on a piss up. When normally he's blowing my phone up and if I don't reply to him within minutes he's wondering why. It was just really out of character. And like I said my brain may be clouding this a bit.

Would sound like a close family member, but in reality he's not close to them. But I understand a funeral is emotional regardless.

I guess I am being unreasonable to be feeling anxious about it. I guess it's my brain that has the problem again Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
jenzlou · 11/09/2018 23:33

I guess part of me is confused to as normally he's is extremely clingy, telling me how much I mean and that we can't end things etc. Part of the reason why I've not broken up with him (and there have been many many reasons why we should, a lot of them not either of our faults), is because I feel like he does love me so much, more than anyone else.

So when things like this happen I feel really down about it, as normally he's over the top not leaving me alone. I guess that's why i feel a bit.... abandoned.... today. Ridiculous I know. And typing this is making me realise it.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 11/09/2018 23:36

You really need to think whether this is the right relationship for YOU and if you want to be in it. It doesn't sound a healthy relationship op.
He's been disloyal but gets moody if you don't reply immediately and you can't break up because he loves you too much

Secretsquirrel101 · 11/09/2018 23:36

I think him not texting for a day is the least of your worries. What a dysfunctional, co-dependant mess your relationship sounds.

ana18 · 11/09/2018 23:37

also have to consider if he wasn't that close to the person he is there with friends or family that could be very upset and he is supporting them it's not easy to just leave or be rude around someone upset and just start texting or calling you . I would go to bed and speak to him tomorrow leave him be for now unless he contacts you .

Original poster
jenzlou · 11/09/2018 23:37

It is a mess isn't it

OP posts:
BackforGood · 11/09/2018 23:38

I'm inclined to agree with Sleeping. It doesn't sound like a healthy, relaxed, loving, equal partnership to me, from the little you have described on here. I suspect this isn't really to do with the funeral specifically.

Secretsquirrel101 · 11/09/2018 23:39

Well yes, it does sound rather like it, and I apologise for being so blunt in my previous post. I don’t think this man will be doing your mental health any favours OP.

FastWindow · 11/09/2018 23:45

I went to a funeral recently. My oh couldn't attend. It was 90 miles away.
Not once was I either) asked for my location or eta or) did I check up on my oh.
We mutually assumed that the day was hard enough without the usual 'what's up' status stuff.
Adulting. Try it.

Skittlesandbeer · 11/09/2018 23:54

I’d be looking to the alcohol as a key problem.

He’s got form for binge-drinking, and nasty behaviour when he drinks.

He’s gone to a funeral of someone not close to him. Our culture treats funerals as a way to get smashed that no one’s allowed to mess with or question.

I’d say he’s looking for an excuse to drink more, with impunity.

YABU for needing constant reassurance (get your anxiety sorted, it’s your responsibility). YANBU for debating whether to hitch your wagon in life to a fairly feckless possible addict.

Original poster
jenzlou · 11/09/2018 23:57

Oh he's defo no addict. He drinks maybe twice... three times a year. He can't hold his drink at all though so this may be an issue.

I'm going to take this as iabu.... but for good reasons.

OP posts:
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