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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU FIL long but advice needed.

27 replies

organicparent · 11/09/2018 20:57

Hello
Apologies, this is a long one and ive missed some bulk out and just kept to main events. So my partner and i have been together nearly 6 years and have a 21 month old together. My partner is quite shy and socially anxious and throughout the relationship, from snippets i observed and snippets he told me, this was from a bullying and controlling father. I have examples of when ive witnessed this and things hes told me. For this reason ive not really thought to highly of his dad but ive always been polite and pleasant at family gatherings and when we have seen them.

My partner has never been massively close to his parents and when hes around them he is quite timid and submissive to his dad. He moved out young and lived abroad. Whereas his sister has a great relationship with his parents and she and her kids live in their pockets. She is the favorite and treatment of her is very different to treatment of my partner by both his parents.

Fast forward until my son is born. When my son was born, his sister snubbed him because she hadnt been notified that he had arrived when he did. Ie we text parents but didnt message her until later on due to the time he was born early hours. From this, there was tension with his sister on both sides but no arguments just an underlying tension. To cut a long story short after no contact from her no acknowledgement of our son this kicked off a royal argument with his dad.We took my son over to see his parents and out of the blue his dad got up in my face and yelled at me for the breakdown in his ffamily and said i caused the friction between my partner and his sister and he blamed me for everything that had gone one. His dad isnt a blow up type of bully he dosent have to as everyone is subservient to him. I was in shock, my 30 year old partner broke down and cried as was so shocked. I was holding my son who was a baby at the time and my partners dad continued to yell at me whilst i was holding him and i was crying and was trying to leave.

No apology from my partners father; i got a text a week later again blaming me for events. My partner went around on multiple occasions to discuss events with his parents after but every time he came home in tears as his dad frantically tried to grasp control and bully him into fixing the situation he caused. 4x months later after no contact with his dad, he gave me a halfhearted apology.

To help things move forward i agreed he (FIL)could see my son again but made it clear he will never have the relationship with him he wanted.

My partner has really struggled with this and said hes never seen his dad so angry and is deeply hurt by the lack of apology and lack of sincerity after the events. I take my son to see his mum weekly but we dont see his dad often maybe once a month, they live together so i see his mum when his dads at work. This has been fine for the past year but now my partners relationship with his dad has slightly improved and he is now feeling like he is sad his dad dosent see our son more.

My partner shuts off when i try to talk to him about it and says he knows it will never change but i feel this is a dig at me. In the argument his dad threw at me my PND and made me feel like a crap parent and for that i can never forgive. I also have the history of how he treated my partner in the back of my mind. I feel i am being reasonable by taking my son to see my partners father when i do, but dont feel my partner thinks this is enough and now feel like he thinks things should blow over. I dont know what to do? Please help?

OP posts:

Original poster

organicparent · 11/09/2018 20:59

Must add whenever we see my partners father, i never make a fuss im always polite and its usually my idea to see him not my partners so its not like hes begging me to take my son to see his dad and im saying no.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 11/09/2018 21:04

You partner can take the baby to see your FIL. As for you, I hope you have enough self-respect to keep that miserable bastard out of your life. How he treated you in unforgivable and I find it very distressing that your partner is seemingly sweeping this under the rug, and then giving YOU attitude because you're not willing to visit with him. Your partner needs therapy.

SylvanianFrenemies · 11/09/2018 21:04

You've been very generous. You'd be quite entitled to cut the father out completely. Your partner us going to have a weird perspective because he's used to having to handle this bully with kid gloves.

Ask your oartner specifically what he wants to change. If he can come up with a specific plan, then you can decide what you feel comfortable with. But tbh your oartner would be better to go to counselling (like psychotherapy) with a view to going low/no contact. It's ok to point out to him how abnormal his father's behaviour is.

Losingthewill1 · 11/09/2018 21:05

I’d go NC , your son doesn’t gain anything from this.

MissConductUS · 11/09/2018 21:05

All of this drama really started because his sister found out a bit later than his parents that your baby had been born? Why did that offend her so greatly?

His father sounds like a knob of the first order. Going low or no contact with him is the only sensible thing to do to protect all of you. His father has a anger management problem, but it's not your problem, it's his. Never let toxic people run your life.

Good luck with the baby, and sorry you've been put through this.

HelenUrth · 11/09/2018 21:10

If your partner wants a relationship between his dad and your baby, let him facilitate it.

There's no way you should be forced to have a relationship with a man who treated you so disgracefully.

Your partner is mired deeply in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt, Google it and you'll find out loads)

FarrahMoan · 11/09/2018 21:12

I don't think your partner should be taking the baby to see his dad. FIL is an arsehole and DP lacks the ability to stand up to him (through no fault of his own). FIL doesn't deserve a relationship with his GC and if he had one there's nothing to say he would respect the OP.
I'm curious about the MIL's response to all this

Labradoodliedoodoo · 11/09/2018 21:13

Your partner can take your son, you don’t need to be with them.

Why did you get the blame?

AlmaGeddon · 11/09/2018 21:14

There is a whole lot of backstory here relating to DPs family and also their treatment of him, and none of it is good. You are being made the fall guy for a screwed up bunch. If they can damage your DPs self esteem the way they have they can also damage your DSs. The DM is allowing the DFILs and the DSILs crazy behaviour so I would avoid her too if I was you. I don't know what you do about DP being in their thrall despite this horrendous behaviour but if I was you I'd cut contact with them all.

Dollymixture22 · 11/09/2018 21:15

Your partner needs counselling. I would be so disappointed if my partners reaction in this situation was to cry and back down. I know it’s a bit sexist - but he needs to stand up for his family.

I am afraid I wouldn’t let these people be involved with my child, they are bullies. Your partner clearly has serious issues - which are at least in part due to mental abuse form these people. They will not change and it is unfair to expose your child to them.

Good luck with this very odd family. I hope your partner addresses these issues.

RabbitsAreTasty · 11/09/2018 21:16

Don't go anywhere near FIL.

If your DH chooses to take your son to see FIL then that's his choice.

When your son is old enough to talk and understand be prepared to talk to him about how yes daddy is bullied by grandad and daddy is too scared to make it stop but he is an adult so he can make that choice. If you are scared of grandad or upset at seeing daddy bullied then you don't have to go there any more, just like mummy doesn't.

Poppyinagreenfield · 11/09/2018 21:22

From my experience this will not get any better. You need to cut him out now. He will never ever change until eventually he is totally alone to reflect on his behaviour.

MingaTurtle · 11/09/2018 21:23

In some ways I think you do need to be present if your DS is seeing your FIL - so that you can check that he isn’t witnessing unacceptable behaviour. Your DS shouldn’t be seeing disrespectful behaviour in any direction and you both need to make sure that boundary is maintained around your DS. It doesn’t sound like your DH is in the right place to be able to judge and control the situation, so it does fall to you. I wouldn’t make any real effort to see him more though.

Cloglover · 11/09/2018 21:24

You have been incredibly gracious. But I would not step foot near someone like that. And I would not be happy about my children being in contact with a person like that. He is clearly still a bully. Your husband can make his own decisions but I would urge him to get therapy.

Original poster

organicparent · 11/09/2018 21:26

Thankyou all for your lovely comments.

MissConductUS- yes i know its hard to believe but his sister did kick off because she found out a few hours later than the grandparents. This has been confirmed by my partners parents who actually told us this as my partner asked them if they knew why she was being off.

I have told my partner he needs counselling but he wont. I know he is submitting again to his dads control. sorry sounds very 50 shades !

With regards to me staying at home whilst my partner takes our son to see them, i feel a bit uncomfortable with this. I dont know why i just prefer to be there. Maybe because i was holding my baby whilst his dad was yelling in my face and i was crying saying you are upsetting the baby, its kind of stuck with me and i get anxious at the thought of me not being there.

FarrahMoan- his mother is equally dominated by his father and cant make a single decision on her own through lack of confidence. She is scared of her own shadow and sweeps things under the carpet to keep the peace. Shes a people pleaser.

Im so pleased you guys have confirmed my feelings. I was starting to feel 'I' was being unreasonable by not letting them practically raise him as my partner would like !?

OP posts:

sexnotgender · 11/09/2018 21:26

I have an abusive FIL too so I know how you feel.
Thankfully mine lives on another continent but he still manages to get little digs in at my husband.

He hates me because I refuse to pander to his shit.

If I was you I wouldn’t take my son to see him. He lost that privilege when he screamed at you.

Juells · 11/09/2018 21:42

I wouldn't let anyone take my child without me into a toxic atmosphere like that. Do you really want your child to experience the same shit that your partner did growing up? There's no sign that the FiL has changed, he's still the same controlling bully. I'd never set foot in his house again, but if you really intend to give in about your son meeting him, insist on being there too.

Dollymixture22 · 11/09/2018 21:48

What about couples counselling? There is an issue here that your partner is putting his abusive fakers need sabove those of you and your child. In years to come I don’t have any confidence hat he will stand up for your son if and when his dad starts on him.

I agree you should not let your child be exposed to these people. And I thinK your partner needs help to understand he is now the dad and should be the protector rather then the victim.

justilou1 · 11/09/2018 22:59

Please never, ever leave your partner to take your child to see FIL without you. It sounds very much like everyone capitulates to FIL (and SIL is second in command, and has learned her tactics from FIL.) You are uncomfortable because neither your partner or your MIL are going to question FIL for any unreasonable behaviour towards your child (or you) or defend either of you. You did not feel safe in the presence of this bully, and nobody has had the balls to say that this isn’t going to happen again. Why isn’t MIL coming to you instead?

ohfourfoxache · 11/09/2018 23:37

For the love of God do not let your child go with your partner.

Your partner is unable to protect himself, and I’m willing to bet a substantial amount that he won’t be able to protect his dc either.

As for “grandad bullies daddy and if you don’t want to see it you don’t have to go”????? Seriously? Why the fuck would you put a child in that position?

Nanny0gg · 11/09/2018 23:43

ohfourfoxache

Exactly.

TemptressofWaikiki · 11/09/2018 23:48

Fuck that. If my FIL had behaved in this way, he would never see the kids or me again. The abusive family dynamic should stop right there - don't allow this bully to turn on you or your child next.

Juells · 12/09/2018 10:34

Too late - he's already turned on the OP

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 12/09/2018 10:46

This^ in bucket loads

SharpLily · 13/09/2018 08:20

If you were to sit your partner down and say, very calmly, clearly and firmly, that his father is a toxic bully whose behaviour to both your husband and yourself has been unforgivable and that you do not want your child to be around him, ever, and that the atmosphere at his parents' house is vile and that you also would prefer never to see his father/sister/mother again, what would he say? Would he understand and support you? Would he agree but still say that he wants to expose his child to it? Because if so you need to tell him to take a serious look at himself and I think you would need to take a serious look at your relationship. I would keep my child well away from the grandfather.

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