To not know how to discipline my daughter

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• Nc for this as I was speaking to my friend about it today, wouldn’t want them to search me and find all my embarrassing posts 🙈

When we punish our daughter we normally use treats ie “no kinder egg, flump” however I know this isn’t a good thing to do. I want her to have a healthy relationship with food, and punishing her with treats isn’t the way forward. However, I have no idea how to punish her. She’s 3years 7months. The naughty step doesn’t work she’s not bothered by it. I could limit TV time but this would mean her sister doesn’t get to watch TV either which doesn’t seem fair. She doesn’t have a favourite toy so taking that away wouldn’t work as she’d play with something else. I get down to her level and explain why she cant behave in that way or why it’s wrong, I don’t shout. I give her 3 warnings before I say “no kinder egg today”. How do you discipline your 3yo?

I’m going to buy a reward chart and see if that helps.

I’m at a loss on how else to discipline her, she says things like “I don’t love/like you anymore” when she doesn’t get her own way or what she wants. we want to stop this behaviour. (For record this isn’t a saying she’s learnt from us, obviously)

Any suggestions?
Sorry, I know I’ve rambled, hope it makes sense.

What does she do wrong?

Hi I have a 10 year old son and 7 year old Daughter. We did the naughty step with oldest but not the youngest . I think it's good because it makes you feel in control as a parent. If I had my time again at that age I would just use a firm voice, really simple clear message and not give in (ever). So you need to pick your battles wisely. Also I try to avoid food treats or punishments for same reason you said.

I remember feeling the same that at that age they don't have a concept of less tv etc. Try to have the thought in your head that she's just learning and not being naughty on purpose - you are teaching her how to behave.

Easier said than done and my youngest gets away with too much . Alternatively try the super nanny book or something similar x

Also when she says she doesn't love you I would say well I know your cross but I still love you and I know you do love me. Don't give her power with these phrases.

Typical 3 yo stuff. Normally not listening, having a tantrum when we leave places which I now is pretty normal but she gets angry when i try and talk her through it, occasionally slaps ect

Thanks mummydrinks, good advice xx

I’d need some examples of what she does “wrong”. Saying she doesn’t love/like you would NOT be a battle I’d be bothered getting into with a 3 year old. I’d say “that’s a shame because we love you very much.” Or “it’s okay not to like people sometimes but we always love each other in our family”.

Why would your daughter need to be punished? She’s only 3.
Children learn by modelling behaviour, having consistency, boundaries, being treated with calmness and respect and facing the logical consequences of their behaviour.

I was trying to think of a better word, I don’t mean punish.

How do you guide your children when they misbehave?

Don’t try to talk her through it at the time. Maybe say “I can see you’re feeling quite cross/angry just now so you can talk about it later if you like”.
You say “normal” stuff- so why are you punishing her for being at a normal stage of development? It sounds a little like you are a bit controlling- sorry. Choose your battles and be firm but fair.
Give warnings for the not listening- then consequences that actually you carry out. Eg “put on your shoes please”. “Emily- look at me. Please put on your shoes like I already asked you or else you will have to turn off tv/come through here and I will choose your shoes and put them on you” or whatever. Help her to feel in control so she can choose her shoes if she listens etc. Praise the positive and ignore the negative for now.

I always did one warning followed by a consequence, which was usually a time out. When you say the naughty step doesn’t work, how are you doing it?

I came to say reward chart..reinforce the good behaviour and try time out in a quiet/boring room for negative behaviour, give her an egg timer (you might need to get that beforehand and show her how it works, how the time passes etc)

You might need to stay close first few times to usher child back into boring room but don't interact other than to tell her she is having some time out because she needs to calm down or then at the end sit and explain again why she needed time out and talk about the behaviour and why you were not happy.
Some people would say not to let them do anything during the time out, but In my household I would be happy to provide some plain paper and (washable) pen as a distraction they can scrunch the paper or draw write down how they are feeling.

One of my dc (who has some, lets say "behavioural problems") would trash a room in seconds given half a chance so it was easier for me to give something to do.
I find a squeezy stress toy worked. As did a beanbag or cushion, especially useful if they are frustrated as they can flop about on it!

It's up to you what your time out rules are as long as all grownups are on the same page.

Good luck...3 year olds are...special in their own way. (don't miss it a bit!!)

I wouldn’t say I was controlling (atleast I hope I’m not) I just want to guide her and let her know when her behave isn’t acceptable.

I don’t want to use tv as that would mean her sister wouldn’t get to watch it either. This is what I’m struggling with, what to use to “barter”

Sounds like normal stuff. Try reading "how to speak so little kids will listen". Loads of different techniques to try in there.
For instance, try to make things into a game rather than getting into a stubborn fight. When she refuses to leave try having a race to the car or who can put their sentient on quickest. Who wants to press the button for the lift etc.
It requires you to adjust your thinking from punishment to realising she is only 3 and hasn't figured out how the world works yet.
Clearing up toys, join in and pick your favorite colour to put in the box. Or make things silly.
Won't get dressed? Ask her if the socks go on her head or her hand. No silly mummy, they go on your feet? My feet? No way? Can you show me?
That sort of thing.
Sounds exhausting, but I've found its (eventually) less exhausting than fruitlessly shouting.
There's loads of other techniques so well worth a read. Kids are constantly evolving so have to keep changing ideas and mixing it up.
Hope this helps.

As Isadora2007 said, I try to use natural consequences. If there are supermarket tantrums we won't have time to buy favourite yogurt, for instance. I use counting to 3 too - with shoes example I would say what I expect followed by consequence and if not followed, count "1 - put your shoes on or I will choose them, 2 - put your shoes on or I will choose them..." I don't often get to 3,possibly because I follow through on consequences 100%of the time. There's an art to judging if that comes with practice though - I tell my DH that if we get to 3, everyone's lost

I sit her on the naughty step and say she has to stay theee for 3 minuets, it doesn’t bother her, after 3 minutes is up I get down to her level and explain why she was sat on the Naughty step and why we shouldn’t behave like that, then we cuddle. Will get a reward chart tomorrow.

It sounds really stupid but I’m running out of “consequences”

CloudCaptain Great ideas, thank you

If there aren’t any consequences then you’re probably asking her (telling her) to do too many unnecessary things.

I sounded harsh - sorry. I suppose I have an issue with punishment being used as a form of discipline. It seems so common. But to be honest I think punishment might bring the parent a sense of control but I doubt it really develops or disciplines the child in a positive way.
I am not a good example and find it hard but I aspire to provide a predictable, calm environment with structure and allow more natural consequences of actions to happen. For example, finding a negative consequence that is linked directly to the action eg if being rude at a cafe or play date I would say that we can’t do that because it’s unkind and hurtful to or disturbing others etc and so if it continues we will have to go home. Then calmly take them home if it does continue. No shouting or elaboration.
I love what dr Laura markham writes - author of a-ha parenting.
But a lot of the time I mess up and give stupid empty threats...

There's a difference between teaching her how to behave and expecting too much though. Kids learn best by copying role models, sometimes things like tantrums are just phases they have to grow out of and what you actually need are tricks to be able to leave the house on time or get round a supermarket.

I second reading 'how to talk so little kids will listen'. Great ideas in there. Also the Aha parenting website is good.

Also, though, it might be with making sure you definitely want to punish, and that you're really clear what gets a punishment. In my book, not listening and tantruming is fairly normal three year old behaviour. It need guidance and correcting in the moment (DD, you need to listen because we all have to go out as a family), but does any of that really require a separate punishment? I'd argue that you're going to run out of options for more serious misbehaviour

You need to set up expectations

For example, if you behave nicely in X shop we can stop and buy X go to and house go to the park

She knows what she has to do and the reward

Same for bad behaviour - if you cry we will have to leave and come home

She knows rue action and consequence - no point giving have a consequence after the event as it's 'unexpected'

Thanks all, some great advice, will look up that book

I will admit that our DD (5) has been a pretty easy child, no major tantrums so we've not had a lot of disciplining to do. However if she did something "naughty" she was either removed from the situation or we took away whatever she had and firmly told her that we don't do that. If she was behaving nicely we would tell her she was being really good at eg eating properly, colouring in, playing well.

She is now developing a little bit of attitude since she started school but that's getting dealt with by removal of screen time/earlier bedtime etc since she is now old enough to really understand the consequences. I also let her go outside without a jacket on cos she would not put it on. It was on about 30 seconds later.

I only ever used sticker charts to chart something with a clear end goal. I've read somewhere that behaviour reward charts are just a rod because it becomes about behaving for the sake of gain rather than developing good behaviour for its own sake.

I am of the No punishment No Reward view.

I have never punished.

THis is a good book but there are many others.

www.amazon.co.uk/Unconditional-Parenting-Moving-Rewards-Punishments-ebook/dp/B01LZ55DIF/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=no+punishment+no+reward&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1536696346&sr=8-1

Surely you can lose the tv as a deterrent? Just move her into a more ‘boring’ place away from the tv, and her sister can still watch it?
I made it into a big deal talking up the ‘boringness’ like ‘oh no, because you’ve done x you have to come away from the tv now, such a shame you were enjoying that, you need to stand with me for 5 mins until you are sorry, it’s going to be very boring, but that’s what you get for doing xxx’. So no telling off, no shouting just removing them from the tv and reinforcing its ‘boring’ for them.
I wouldn’t actuslly want them to get used to having a sweet treat every day?