To not know how to discipline my daughter

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• Nc for this as I was speaking to my friend about it today, wouldn’t want them to search me and find all my embarrassing posts 🙈

When we punish our daughter we normally use treats ie “no kinder egg, flump” however I know this isn’t a good thing to do. I want her to have a healthy relationship with food, and punishing her with treats isn’t the way forward. However, I have no idea how to punish her. She’s 3years 7months. The naughty step doesn’t work she’s not bothered by it. I could limit TV time but this would mean her sister doesn’t get to watch TV either which doesn’t seem fair. She doesn’t have a favourite toy so taking that away wouldn’t work as she’d play with something else. I get down to her level and explain why she cant behave in that way or why it’s wrong, I don’t shout. I give her 3 warnings before I say “no kinder egg today”. How do you discipline your 3yo?

I’m going to buy a reward chart and see if that helps.

I’m at a loss on how else to discipline her, she says things like “I don’t love/like you anymore” when she doesn’t get her own way or what she wants. we want to stop this behaviour. (For record this isn’t a saying she’s learnt from us, obviously)

Any suggestions?
Sorry, I know I’ve rambled, hope it makes sense.

Speakout - that’s interesting. I always felt rewards are just “inverse punishments” and missing out on a reward is just the same as a punishment. I will be very interested to read the book you recommended.

Needahairbrush - but don’t you want your child to feel sorry rather than pretend they are sorry in order to avoid or shorten the punishment? Why force a child to say sorry? I do wonder what that is hoping to achieve?

My post should say - surely you can use the loss of the tv as a deterrent?

The problem with rewards-a sticker or a toy, is that it isn't enough.

To modify behaviour for a tick on a chart is not empowering enough for a child.

We can comment on behaviour of course, but it is a better lesson to behave in a positive way for internal reasons of mastery, self control and altruism.

This will sound horrible and people will pounce on it but you have to find her deal breaker. I had a very wilful 3 year old and tried everything. One day I literally just said "mummy can't be your friend if you do this" it absolutely shocked her into sense. She was sobbing, begging to be my friend saying she would be a good girl etc. I only said it out of frustration but it was the one thing that resonated with her. I admit I still pull it out of the bag on occasion 3 years later.

I think it gives them a bit of time for reflection, away from the ‘source’ of the issue. A few minutes to calm down. If sorry is said without bread by meant I would ask do they really mean that,
I do belive they should say sorry too, then we can move on.
One of my DS, now 14 was / is stubborn and needed to be able to remove himself, have a think to see the error of his ways (and still does!)

I am not going to “pounce.” But please do not emotionally abuse your daughter just to “find her deal breaker”. How horrible and cruel. Poor kid would be better to not be your “friend” 🤔

Some great ideas here

Spanglylycra

Sorry but I think that is a nasty thing to do.

spangly i say the opposite, I tell my DD I’m still her friend, I think they need to know you still love them!!

Oh, the other thing I find works well is if she is clearly just grumpy and acting out I ask her if she wants a cuddle. She will 9/10 times say yes and we just have a quiet cuddle. It let's her calm down and usually saves any further aggro. "OK, we've had a cuddle, shall we put the game away and get your bath sorted?"

Most of the time, with a child this young, you don't actually need to use punishment to guide her.

If she has a tantrum about leaving a place, you just take her anyway- she is small enough for you to do that. She will work out eventually that there isn't much point in tantrumming because mummy gets her way anyway.

If she says "I don't love you", you respond, as others have said "that's ok because I love you". She will work out eventually that she can't rile you that way and that all it achieves is to make her look silly.

Yes, there may be times when you need to use punishments. But not every time a 3yo says something cross and silly. That is far too much.

Some good stuff here

www.handinhandparenting.org/

OP, I was in your exact position with my three year old. It was news to me that discipline doesn’t HAVE to involve a ‘punishment’ (ie taking away toys, no sweets etc) at this age.

My DS starts playing up and I firmly tell him that behaviour is not allowed. We try logical consequences, eg if he throws a toy, they need to be taken away because he might hurt someone or break his toys. If it’s something of a different nature I will say “are you going to stop that or do you need to go to time out to calm down?”. Time out is sitting with me in his room, where I let him calm down, persuade him to take deep breaths, and when he is calm we talk about what happened and how it made everyone feel, and he apologises. No punishment. It feels frustratingly like your not doing anything, but I have noticed an improvement. By ending the discipline with a heart to heart and then giggles are building connections rather than walls and resentment, and it feels great and will go further in the long run. When they are teenagers they will respect you and feel like they can talk to you.

This is what has been working for me, though my son has quite extreme melt downs and can be violent. I have found the violence has nearly stopped now that I focus on not reacting at all and stay calm. I read that violent, angry children are frightened and lonely and when I am talking him down from a melt down with that in mind I can actually see the relief at feeling safe and loved no matter what in his face.

If she's having tantrums when you leave places then you need to give prior warning and a reason e.g. 'There's time for another 3 goes on the slide and then we need to go home for lunch because we're all getting hungry'. No further discussion required; it's what's going to happen!

When my daughter was this age, counting to three worked wonders with things like refusal to leave the house, putting on shoes etc. (We never got to three thank goodness because I didn't have a plan for that). Tried it (jokingly) on my now 17 year-old last week... It still worked

BillywigStings Thank you. That sounds like a much better way of dealing with melt downs. After reading these comments I think I am being too strict and expecting too much from her. Going forward I will be more positive and remember she’s just a 3yo trying to understand how everything works

I’ve got a same age dd, and she says the same don’t like/don’t love/hate you type thing, usually when she’s tired. I definitely wouldn’t punish her for this. I might remark that it wasn’t very nice and if I was playing with her I would stop, as a natural consequence of her saying something unkind - but aside from that I’m not sure I want to police her expressing her feelings. With other things, say if she’s hitting her brother I would remove her from the game, sometimes for some quiet time in her room. I know it might not seem affective, but I think you’ve got to be consistent, not up the stakes with greater punishments - and remember that they are actually still quite tiny.

The best form of guidance is 'catching them being good'. Instead of drawing attention to the things you don't want her to do, be lavish in your praise of the things you do want her to do. Eg 'you're so grown up to put your own shoes on', 'I'm so proud of you for sharing that you so nicely' etc. It feels odd at first but soon becomes a habit and your DD will want to live up to your high expectations of her.

@billywigstings

As daft a question as this is where did you learn that as it sounds like something I’d like to try with DD

You've had some great advice already so I will just add things I haven't noticed being said (although may have missed)

Children have tantrums/misbehave generally due to negative feelings and for a 3yr old those feelings can be caused by things that seem really trivial. Punishments just cause further negative feelings and so actually perpetuate the cycle the poor behaviour. Helping a child to process and manage their feelings is a far more productive action and sitting with them and talking it through is a good way to do this.

Please don't ever tell your child that you won't be their friend or similar as this is just cruel and could cause some serious issues for your relationship or their self esteem in years to come.

When I use counting to 3 my consequence tends to just be, if you don't put your shoes on by the time I count to 3 then I will put them on for you (or I just put him in the car/pushchair without shoes and take them for when he changes his mind if that is an option) picking your battles is really important at this age or you'll go insane!

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut
Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen is where I learnt the general way I aspire to parent, but to be honest the first few times my son willfully hit/bit and scratched me and called me names I got so freaked out I ended up in a google hell session at 3am where I eventually found myself reading online help booklets for parents with kids who are seriously messed up, behaviour wise - eg one women whose daughter (8) would threaten to stab her and her sister, and actually tried. My son, I might add, is nothing like that, but it gave me perspective and I followed the children’s charity (I believe it was) advice to foster parents of violent kids, which is along the lines of what I described I do. It’s where it really got through to me that violent angry kids are scared and lonely, and even if they think they do, they don’t actually want to hurt anyone.

Thank you @billywigstings x

Ps I am so glad that what I have said is actually helpful to someone. Over the last few months I have lost count of how many times I have been in tears due to DS’s behaviour since the arrival of DS2 and have felt so lost and unsure of how to parent. Without the trials though I guess I would never learnt this effective method, so at least DS2 won’t have to suffer my inept parenting when he starts giving me grief.

I found at that age, their meltdowns were mostly about frustration. It could be the frustration about not having any control over what was happening (like being engrossed in something then told that we are leaving), or of having huge feelings and no idea how to express them.

What helped was partly keeping them engaged in what was happening and what we would do next, so it felt more like we were doing things together, rather than them just tagging along. That meant getting them involved with little manageable tasks as well.
And when they did melt down, acknowledge that they are not being naughty, they are unable to cope. So I'd say 'I get that you are upset and can't say what the problem is but I can't understand you. Can you point?'
That way they see you as an enabler.