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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Shall I say somthing to other mum

77 replies

1981fishgut · 11/09/2018 14:33

My son is dating a girl she’s very nice

However once I realised they were together I asked my son if she was on the pill he said no

At that point they hadn’t had sex I am sure now they have 19&18

So the mum comes here on occasion to pick up the daughter I wondering if I should mention anything

Tbh as soon as mine are 16 they will be getting a implant

She’s quite lived up with my son
God knows why

And just wonder why her mum wouldn’t of sorted this with her

OP posts:

rainbowsandsmiles · 11/09/2018 15:33

Blimey, no stay the hell out of it, absolutely nothing to do with you!
As the mum of sons, I've not got to this stage yet but when I do I'd be more bothered about the safety side from the male prospective to the equation! The parenting of the girlfriend is the girlfriend's parents responsibility, you should keep your nose out there.
As for yours will be getting an implant? What? Says who? Them? Or you? THEIR decision, not yours. Blimey.

rainbowsandsmiles · 11/09/2018 15:35

Missed the lived up (loved up? ) bit.
Really hope you're trollolollling as that's bloody horrible if not.
Blah.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 11/09/2018 15:35

I have to agree with the other posters on this. All you can do is reiterate to your son about being safe. Also don't force your daughters to have the implant, that must be their choice. Guide them, advise them, but don't force them.

GoatWithACoat · 11/09/2018 15:36

Hell no do NOT speak to this girl or her mother about her birth control. Absolutely none of your business. Your son is your concern and it’s very worrying you think ‘she should take control of that side’ because of his MH issues. He’s obviously well enough to hold down a relationship and have sex so press upon him the importance of taking control of his fertility. I would be horrified if someone tried to discuss my daughters birth control with them or me!

veeboo · 11/09/2018 15:36

How long is it since you asked him OP? You said they are 18/19 now. Was it long ago? They may have just sorted it between themselves. It really is old enough to know.

amusedbush · 11/09/2018 15:36

Tbh as soon as mine are 16 they will be getting a implant

You can't fucking force them into that. The implant ruined my life for over a year until a doctor would agree to remove it early.

I bled constantly for 16 weeks, then one week on, one week off. My hair started falling out, I was spotty and I was ravenously hungry all the time. I was anxious and suicidal-level depressed, I couldn't sleep and I had the most absurd mood swings.

You can't just decide that for someone.

rainbowsandsmiles · 11/09/2018 15:36

Just realised I said blimey far too often in that post, that's how much my gast has been flabbered

BewareOfDragons · 11/09/2018 15:52

As I said my son has MH issues and GGD so I would feel much better if she took control of that department as she is a bit more sensible

You are completely out of order expecting her to take control of 'that department' as you put it.

Contraception is something BOTH parties should be responsible for.

You should be talking repeatedly to you son about it if he has MH and other issues.

But to expect a young woman to use hormones is outrageous. Mine certainly will not be using the pill as they have caused too many serious side affects in my family due to the hormones. Ditto for using the coil; outrageous to expect someone else's child to have an object inserted into their body, an object that doesn't always work and can cause all sorts of pain and problems, so your child has a lesser chance of becoming a parent.

Nothisispatrick · 11/09/2018 15:57

They’re 18&19! Are you insane?

Tbh as soon as mine are 16 they will be getting a implant

This is gross. I got the implant when I was 16 and ended up on a year long period before finally giving in and having it removed.

MaiaRindell · 11/09/2018 16:06

She is quite loved up with my son. God knows why
Okaaaaaay

agnurse · 11/09/2018 16:07

If your son isn't mature enough to be a father or to be responsible then he is not mature enough to be having sex. Full stop.

He's an adult. If he's cognitively impaired to the point where he can't function on his own you need to take steps to assume his guardianship. Otherwise, you need to leave the situation alone.

JazzAndCat · 11/09/2018 16:09

It would be a terrible infringement of this young woman's privacy to raise with her mother the issue of contraception and their sex life. Talk to your son if you think it's necessary. Actually, it was a terrible infringement of her privacy to ask your son about whether or not she is on the pill. Totally inappropriate.

SpottingTheZebras · 11/09/2018 16:09

You sound awful, OP!

Racecardriver · 11/09/2018 16:39

Your aren't wrong to he concerned. Condones aren't very effective and, sadly, all the best contraceptives are ones that require the woman to take some of the contraceptive responsibility. But you really can't tell a grown woman's mother to make her use contraception. I would suggest you talk to your son about the failure rate of condoms and the different kinds of female contraception (the pill is not the only one and very far from the best one) and tell him to talk to his girlfriend about their contraceptive use and what she will do in the event of an unwanted pregnancy (if she is dead set on not having children and doesn't have a problem with abortion then you probably won't become a grandmother regardless will you?).

MinorRSole · 11/09/2018 16:43

Err condoms are extremely effective - where are you getting your data from? Most issues with condoms come from user error (not using them correctly, soon enough etc)

ghostyslovesheets · 11/09/2018 16:50

they are very effective - 98% effective!

yabu OP both to consider talking to her MUM (why not her???) and to bang on about forcing your daughters to have the implant

Sleepyslops · 11/09/2018 16:53

Ok, OP, I am sorry that you're having a hard time here. I think some posters have missed that you yourself have global development delay. I know you think you're thinking of doing the right thing, but your son and his gf are adults and should be capable of sorting their own contraception out. Maybe make sure your son has a stash of condoms available to him? My GP receptionist has bags of them that she gives out for free.

daffodillament · 11/09/2018 17:23

Sleepyslops I have not read that Op herself has GDD ?

rainbowsandsmiles · 11/09/2018 17:23

Me neither - where does the OP say that?

FrangipaniBlue · 11/09/2018 17:32

Tbh as soon as mine are 16 they will be getting a implant

Yes because you absolutely get a say in that

I'm also calling goady troll.........

Sleepyslops · 11/09/2018 17:41

Oh heck, I've misunderstood. I do actually think she might have though.

twattymctwatterson · 11/09/2018 18:54

You don't get to dictate whether an adult pumps their body full of hormonal contraceptives or not. You won't get to make that decision for your 16 year olds either. I understand your concern about your son but he's either mature enough for a sexual relationship or he's not. You don't really get to decide when you become a gran either.

TheBigFatMermaid · 11/09/2018 19:29

So, you have an adult son, who is having sex with his adult GF and you want to talk to his adult GFs DM about putting her on the pill.

You are so out of order here that I don't even know where to begin.

They are adults. Albeit, your DS has mental health issues.

FYI, I have mental health issues too, as one in four adults do. I am still a capable parent.

Notonthestairs · 11/09/2018 19:40

GDD can mean that he has a learning/intellectual disability. If that is the case then this impact on his decision making skills and long term planning etc. It may well mean that he will need a lot of guidance with sexual relationships. I don't blame the Op for being concerned.

I have a DD with learning disabilities and I'm very worried about how to best handle issues regarding sexual health etc in the future. It's not to be dismissed.

Don't have answers though. Does his girlfriend have GDD too?

Dollymixture22 · 11/09/2018 19:55

Don’t tAlk to the mother!! It might end very badly.

The gf will probably resent your interference - I know I would. It’s also quite patronising.

If you reAlly can’t keep quite talk to the girlfriend. But try not to come across as interfering, Controlling or patronising.

Tbh if I was the girlfriend I would be mortified that my boyfriends mum was thinking about and interfering in my sex life!!

I know he has issues - but he is an adult.

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