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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so annoyed re shy DD

39 replies

Chipbutty67 · 11/09/2018 13:49

When DD was at nursery, I struck up a friendship w one of the other mums. We saw each other quite often, but don't now our daughters have gone off to Reception in different schools, so a few times we've made plans to meet at the weekends w kids and partners.

My DD is really shy w new people. I don't really care, she's the most amazing funny happy little girl and it's fine by me if she's a bit shy. I've covered basic manners w her though, even if you don't want to talk to someone you must say 'hello, goodbye, thank you' etc and answer direct questions as its rude not to.

My friend and especially her partner just WONT leave it alone. I know they are trying to be friendly, but they keep going on at her 'why so shy, ooh you're so shy aren't you, why won't you speak to us' etc. It really makes poor DD clam up.' The partner kept trying to make her go out and play in the garden but she likes to be near me in new places, always has.

Then the partner said something along the lines of 'she's a right little madam isn't she, just sitting there smirking at us' I'm sure he meant well and appreciate she's my PFB and I might be insane but she's 5 ffs, she's not a little madam and she's just smiling!

I always deflect their comments but I don't really want to deal w them again. AIBU to get so annoyed when they're just trying to be friendly?

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/09/2018 13:50

Urgh. They sound horrible. I'd leave well alone!

Your poor DD.

teaandtoast · 11/09/2018 13:52

Calling someone shy to their face is not on. It happened to me and once you're labelled, it's even harder to talk because they'll make a meal out of that, too.

YANBU.

avocadoincident · 11/09/2018 13:53

Unless you particularly like them or need them as a friend I'd probably let this association slide. You'll meet new more relevant to your life friends now they are at school.

xJessica · 11/09/2018 13:54

My daughter is shy too and gets so much worse if anyone draws attention to it. Someone once told her she was too old to be shy. She was 5

Original poster

Chipbutty67 · 11/09/2018 14:00

I was a very quiet kid too, good to know I'm not being over sensitive based on my experience and DD being my first.

I like them but not enough to have them make my daughter uncomfortable, no more weekend meet ups for us.

OP posts:

MrsTennyson · 11/09/2018 14:19

They sound like dicks. I hate the way people label children as “shy”. Shy should be considered a feeling, not a personality trait. Humans are inherently wary of new situations and people for good reason, as adults we just learn to suppress it (some better than others) and follow the etiquette of our society.

I was considered shy as a kid and that became my self image and therefore how I behaved until I retrained myself - meek, underconfident and shy.

With my son, who is also “shy”, we talk about how it’s ok to feel shy but how we can move to a place of confidence from there. Sometimes confidence comes from security eg sticking with Mum rather than playing in the garden.

Original poster

Chipbutty67 · 11/09/2018 14:27

That's exactly it, @MrsTennyson I always say to DD as long as she's polite, she can interact to whatever level she's comfortable and she's actually very loud and silly when she's w close friends.

Just posted to AIBU as I didn't want to be a special snowflake about it (as my DH thinks) and I knew Mumsnet would give it to me straight

OP posts:

schoty77 · 11/09/2018 14:31

YANBU. The friend and her partner are out of line. They sound like bullies and not good people to have around your daughter.

Kittykat93 · 11/09/2018 14:35

I was always very shy as a child, and used to hate it when people used to keep going on about it. I couldn't help being shy!! I still am today in a lot of ways and wish I was more confident. People making a big deal out of it with constant comments can really affect children so I'd tell your friends to wind their necks in, or simply don't have your dd around them anymore.

EchidnasPhone · 11/09/2018 14:40

When people called my son ‘shy’ I would say no - he’s just choosy as to who he talks to. Would shut them up. DS will talk for Britain if he likes you and sees that you are genuine. As an adult I sometimes wish I didn’t have to conform to social niceties - there’s loads of folk I’d like to ignore.

Original poster

Chipbutty67 · 11/09/2018 14:43

@EchidnasPhone I do that every single time, nicely say 'she's not shy, she's just chilling / sitting quietly / etc' but it really doesn't seem to get across to them?

It's a pain because DH and the partner get on like a house on fire and DH thinks I'm being a bit precious

OP posts:

MarshaBradyo · 11/09/2018 14:46

God they sound annoying. I wouldn’t bother with them anymore.

pacer142 · 11/09/2018 14:58

Absolutely nothing wrong with being quiet/shy. Anxiety levels increase when a big deal is made out of it.

When my son started secondary, several teachers complained he was too quiet in class and started to pick on him making him worse. At a parents' evening we mentioned it to one of his teachers (one who didn't make a fuss) and she told us and him to ignore them - she said she'd prefer more kids like my son - yes, he was quiet, but he answered when asked and did good work, so she was happy - it was her who told us not to make a big deal of it and it would probably come right. She was 100% correct, - he's still on the quiet side 5 years later, but now he's come out of his shell and talks openly to anyone to answer questions or small talk - he's not the life & soul of the party, but he's absolutely fine in his own way and making good progress. So, OP, don't make a fuss, and yes, try to avoid these people - they're not good to be around.

DarlingNikita · 11/09/2018 15:03

I do that every single time, nicely say 'she's not shy, she's just chilling / sitting quietly / etc' but it really doesn't seem to get across to them?

Then be more blunt. 'Please stop calling her "shy" and commenting on her behaviour.'

I was shy and self-conscious as a kid (I still am really) and there was nothing worse than adults surrounding me and talking about how shy I was and how I needed to come out of my shell etc. Guaranteed to make a shy or reserved kid feel even worse and more awkward!

DarlingNikita · 11/09/2018 15:03

Oh, and your DH needs a kick up the arse.

CecilyP · 11/09/2018 15:06

Then the partner said something along the lines of 'she's a right little madam isn't she, just sitting there smirking at us' I'm sure he meant well

You're more generous than I am; I don't think he meant well at all. He sounds downright mean!

Calling someone shy to their face is not on. It happened to me and once you're labelled, it's even harder to talk because they'll make a meal out of that, too.

Absolutely!

LightTripper · 11/09/2018 15:07

I was a "shy" child and my DD is "shy" (she's autistic and I suspect I may be too). She's now only 4 and "gets away with it" without too much judgement, but I can feel that judgement is not far off! It is really frustrating because, as you say, if people make a big fuss about it it only means it takes even longer for her to settle and get the confidence to interact.

Learning about different neurology has really made me realise that we are all different. I go much easier on myself now and I hope that when DD is old enough to understand she'll cut herself a bit of slack too. We're all different and we need those differences in the word.

Personally I wouldn't be able to move on from "little madam" and "smirking" even if directed at an adult friend/relative, let alone a 5 year old child. He seems like a bit of a bully, who feels the world has to fit his template. I would let this friendship slide unless your DD is particularly close friends with theirs (which doesn't sound like the case?)

Kemer2018 · 11/09/2018 15:08

They sound rotten. I don't understand why people tbink it's ok to make a kid feel uncomfortable.
Fil kept saying to my DD who's 11, "ooh you're sooo serious....ooh give us a smile". She was uncomfortable with this so i told him we love and accept her the way she is. After all, her dad isn't known for being a smiler.
DD Is very serious and has a poker face, but we are what we are.

pigsDOfly · 11/09/2018 15:21

They sound like the sort of annoying people who tell complete strangers in the street 'cheer up luv, it might never happen' when someone's not smiling enough for their liking.

I'd ditch them, they sound like bullies. Your DD doesn't need these sort of remarks made about her.

They not being friendly, they're being mean and cruel.

HotSauceCommittee · 11/09/2018 15:24

If the partner carries on being so rude, I’m sure you would have licence to say something along the lines of , “that’s enoufh now, you are making her worse and you wouldn’t like it if anyone called you pushy/rude, would you?”.

Ohyesiam · 11/09/2018 15:27

Well you either ask them
Directly not to, or don’t bother seeing them again. I’d find it hard to ask directly but I’d do it. They must be pretty thick skinned to think it an hour k way to interact with a child, so they should be ok with being asked “ please don’t comment on dds behaviour ,it makes her so much more shy”.

mostdays · 11/09/2018 15:32

Then the partner said something along the lines of 'she's a right little madam isn't she, just sitting there smirking at us

I would have left at that point.

CookieBlue · 11/09/2018 15:36

Urghh I hate people like that.

My DD is 3 and also “shy” with people she doesn’t know well (just as I was as a child). We’ve had a couple of occasions where people have made comments like “she’s SO shy isn’t she!” No she just doesn’t like you, you nob . It doesn’t help. My DD then clams up even more.

The little madam comment is even worse! How rude. I wouldn’t be seeing them again.

krustykittens · 11/09/2018 15:38

Calling a child 'a little madam' is bullying. He sounds like a twat

HermioneGoesBackHome · 11/09/2018 15:38

Then the partner said something along the lines of 'she's a right little madam isn't she, just sitting there smirking at us

I would have bitten back at that one and told him that ‘no she justbhappens to not like to be forced to do things she doesn’t want to do. And that includes talking to him. Or being where HE wants her to be. Leave her alone’.

As for your DH, his reaction is telling me he is worried you won’t do things together as a family if you dint accept the friend rudeness. And he doesn’t want to. And is putting his fun befire the uneasiness of his child.

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