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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To avoid visiting my friend who boasts about her "advanced" talker when my DD isn't so great at it?

64 replies

allovertheplace · 08/06/2007 15:17

My friend's dd is nine months younger, (aged 2) than my DD and is talking like a 3 year old while my DD is, I reckon, about average or slightly below, for her age, (using short sentences that we understand with some words being very clear and others a bit harder to understand). My friend has remarked that she "couldn't understand a word" my dd was saying and asked me why her speech was so bad! Every visit leaves me feeling like a hopeless mum and feeling uber protective of my darling DD who is actually a very intelligent and entertaining child.

Perhaps I'm being over-sensitive but my friend is coming across as being very smug and it's making it harder and harder to visit. I'm wondering if I should point out how hurtful some of the comments are or just leave it and continue avoiding her for a bit. I wouldn't say we were ever best friends but we did get on really well before she joined the "mummy club" but now I'm finding I'm avoiding her as much as possible as every visit feels like I'm being expected to worship at the altar of this remarkably clever child!

Thanks for taking the time to read this - feel so much better for having had a bit of a rant.

OP posts:

Lauriefairycake · 08/06/2007 15:26

Your feelings are not unreasonable but you're going to have to grow a thicker skin as the years go on.

It's utterly bizarre to me this competitive parenting lark but if you really want to get involved then make up something like....

"I think she want to be a nuclear physicist as she's arranged her blocks into the solar system already"

Say with giant grin on face and move on to an area where you feel comfortable.

All kids are behind and forwards on some stuff (obviously)

lucyellensmum · 08/06/2007 15:26

You most definately are NOT being unreasonable, your friend is insensitive and up her own arse IMO. Your DD sounds like her speech is right on the button though. My DD is nearly two and only has a handful of words. She is having speech therapy which doesnt seem to be helping much, might have to go private. I had a similar situation with a woman at M&T group, she knew DD was having problems and made a directed comment at her daughter who speaks extremely well, saying why are you talking like XYZ when he is a year younger than you, simply because she made a silly sound - my DD doesnt talk as well as XYZ, i felt sick inside and have only been to that group once since, but the urge to punch the smug cow in the face is too strong! I really hate competitive mothers, i just take solace in the fact that most of them are setting themselves up for a fall!

2shoes · 08/06/2007 15:28

give it a few months and you will be laughing.
I wouldn't advoid seeing her. But look closely and I bet you will find something your child is better at...maybe yours is more polite or something.

lucyellensmum · 08/06/2007 15:28

i most definately do not think the OP should grow a thicker skin, our childrens well being and development is a huge deal. If someone said to me about my DD in comparison with their own super gifted child (usually the spoilt brat variety it turns out) i would no longer be their friend.

belgo · 08/06/2007 15:28

it is insensitive for her to comment on why your dd isn't talking very well. Tell her that she's doing fine for her age, then point out something that she is good at.

IntergalacticWalrus · 08/06/2007 15:30

Your friend sounds like a prize nobbo tbh.

Go and find another one who doesn't treat motherhood as a competition

InternationalMouseOfMystery · 08/06/2007 15:30

she sounds at best insensitive, at worst sneery

i hate all the baby olympics bollocks. one of my nct group used to go on about her ds being "exceptionally active" (yawn) when she knew my ds was exceptionally inactive and verrry late on all those crappy milestones

hatrick · 08/06/2007 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Lauriefairycake · 08/06/2007 15:33

Crumbs I wouldn't dump friends who made insensitive comments (if I did I'd be dumping friends all over - particularly the one who said last wee " god, youre still fat, i thought you were on a diet")- instead I would try and look at where they're coming from.

the problem in my opinion is where you get caught up in thinking the children are an EXTENSION of you and everything they do is a reflection on you.

It's not, they are individuals.

imaginaryfriend · 08/06/2007 15:34

How embarrassing, your friend sounds horrible. I've met quite a few people like this since dd was born and have found I tend to drift away from them. One mum told me that her son was so advanced in his speech that she was going to try to get him into Reception aged 3. Needless to say the school refused him. He's now in the same year as my dd and everyone has caught up with his earlier 'genius.'

They all speak in the end unless there's a serious learning problem. As someone else said, find something to focus on about your dd. Maybe she's funnier than this girl, sweeter, whatever. Don't do the same as this mum, just quietly praise yours and let her know she's special just as she is.

bobsyouruncle · 08/06/2007 15:35

I have friends who did this to me, although it was to do with crawling & walking rather than talking. It was annoying at the time but now I look back & laugh about it. We're still friends & the children get along well, and I'm glad I didn't end our friendship over it! Although I'll admit it was strained for a while! I think having another child chilled both of us out!

imaginaryfriend · 08/06/2007 15:37

I had that with crawling, bobs. Dd absolutely refused and all her friends were crawling everywhere while she sat still and watched them. Then suddenly at 10 months old she up and walked and pipped them to the post. They found that very hard to take as they'd put dd down as being 'fragile' or 'lazy'.

bobsyouruncle · 08/06/2007 15:37

lol hatrick, you're so right!

CountessDracula · 08/06/2007 15:37

Don't feel bad
all kids develop at their own pace
Who cares if hers can talk better at the moment? What does that have to do with your dd if you really think about it? Life is not a competition!

As for your friend she sounds like she is cruising for a fall

IntergalacticWalrus · 08/06/2007 15:37

But what's the point of being friends witrh someone who looks down on you in whatever way and makes you feel unconmfortable?

There are plenty of other people in this world who aren't like that.

I avoid Alpha Mums at all costs (Difficult where I live)

KerryMum · 08/06/2007 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IntergalacticWalrus · 08/06/2007 15:42

Anyway, I read somewhere once that all the great geniuses (genii?) were late talkers

(DS1 didn;t bother spaeking til 17 months, and he hasn't shut up since, so I know eher you are coming from with the latre talker thinkgy)

lucyellensmum · 08/06/2007 15:42

intergalactic walrus, you probably live near me then - maybe we could start a M&T group with a sign saying "no alpha mummies allowed"!

IntergalacticWalrus · 08/06/2007 15:44

Yes, we can be the Slummy Mummy Support Group. For Women The Don't Do Their Own Baking.

americantrish · 08/06/2007 15:45

how insensitive of your friend! although your friend may be proud of her daughter (fair enough!), she isn't thinking much about how it would make her feel if someone remarked something similar about her daughter and something she doesn't do quite up the speed with her age.

my son isn't a brilliant talking and he's almost 3. while he's come on leaps and bounds in the last 2 or 3 months, he's still not up to speed with average 3 year olds.

if you think you are good enough friends with her, tell her how you feel. i dont think it's over-sensitive of you, but my opinion may be biased.

and as others have probably stated, all kids develop at their own pace..talk to your GP or HV about it for more peace of mind.

lucyellensmum · 08/06/2007 15:47

the only thing i have ever baked is shortbread, and it went wrong i HAVE made my own play dough though, does that mean i wont be able to join?

coppertop · 08/06/2007 15:50

I think I would avoid her for a while. Being proud of her dd is one thing but putting down your dd is entirely different. Once your dd has caught up with hers with her language skills your 'friend' will probably be on the look-out for some other way to compare them.

Original poster

allovertheplace · 08/06/2007 15:52

OMG - she does do her own baking too!! .

Thanks ever so much to all of you who responded. I feel TONS better about it and to be honest, my daughter is a sweet, smiley and polite child while the little "genius" appears to me to be quite a serious and glum little person.

I'm well armed now with some cracking responses (LOL Lauriefairycake). I think I'd rather do that than shrink away.

Thanks again fellow MNers. You're all stars!

OP posts:

LunarSea · 08/06/2007 15:53

Next time just remind her that Einstein didn't talk until he was 3!

Original poster

allovertheplace · 08/06/2007 15:55

Good one LunarSea!

(frantically looks for notepad to note all witty retorts and bits of useful info down ..........)

OP posts:

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