Nervous about newborn being around a heavy smoker

[maimy88]

A bit of background this is about my Nan who I really love. I have had really bad sickness during my pregnancy and one of the smells that set me off is smoke. My Nan is a very heavy smoker and when I asked her not to smoke just before I go pick her up to take her somewhere or to open her windows for a bit before I visit, she seemed totally fine about it. But when it actually came to it, i'm not sure she was. She got really offended when I was sick around her and tried to blame it on everything but the smoke.

I've always struggled going to her house because I have asthma and it's like walking into a wall of smoke. My clothes and hair smell badly of smoke after visits, my chest feels tight and the smoke smell seems to linger to matter what I do. I know she is old, set in her ways and if she chooses to smoke inside her own home that's her decision but now I'm really nervous about when my baby actually arrives. If I struggle in her home surely a newborn baby would too? She won't actually smoke around the baby but given how heavily she smokes indoors with the windows closed the smoke is trapped in there anyway. She gets really offended and upset if her smoking is mentioned for any reason so I don't know now how to approach the situation. AIBU or overprotective to not want my baby to go into my Nan's house?

My Nan doesn't really like going anywhere so the suggestion of taking her somewhere to spend time with the baby isn't going to work. My husband has said he does not want to take the baby there at all. I just don't know what to do. She was a huge part of my life growing up and don't want her to miss out but equally I want to look after my baby.

Does anyone have any advice if they've been in similar situations?

I wouldn't take a baby into her house. I know it could sound hard but the baby's health comes first.

I don’t think yabu. I wouldn’t take a newborn to a smoking house either.

She gets really offended and upset if her smoking is mentioned for any reason so I don't know now how to approach the situation
Tough tits, let her get offended. You need to prioritise your child, not your nan's feelings.

My husband has said he does not want to take the baby there at all
It's as much your husband's baby as yours. If he doesn't want your baby going there then that needs to be taken into consideration.

Tell her you'd love her to spend time with your baby but you won't be bringing the baby to her house because of the lingering smoke. If she refuses to meet you somewhere else to spend time with your baby then that's her loss.

This was me with mil. She even smokes in her car with the window up!

She was pissed off when I said we wouldn’t be coming to home but was welcome here anytime. She ventured out to us a few times begrudgingly.

It’s really dangerous for new babies.

Not a chance I’d be taking my baby into a house that was that thick with the stink of cigarettes.
She meets you somewhere else and doesn’t smoke before holding the baby or it’s a no-go.

No way would I take a baby to a heavy smoker's house. You have to prioritise your child here. Tell your nan you'll pick her up to come and see the baby at your house (obviously she won't be able to smoke while there) and take her home as a goodwill offering.

Not been in the same situation but I wouldn’t take my kids into a house like your nans. I’ve asked my kids dad not to hold them when he comes in smelling of smoke and he agrees. Also if your husband doesn’t want the baby to go I wouldn’t take them. The advice is there for a reason and they have asked me a couple of times in my pre and post natal appointments if there is a smoker in the household (I have a 15 week old).

I don’t understand why she is getting offended when you’re sick, does she think you are putting it on? I know she’s your Nan and how important she is to you (my Gran passed away half way through my 2nd pregnancy) but you really need to put yourself and the baby first. Good luck with everything x

I was beyond fuming when I found out my ex had taken my newborn daughter out for a few hours, to his mothers, who was a heavy smoker and she smoked in the same room. It was ok apparently because they opened the window He never could see why I was foaming at the mouth.

So she knew her smoking upset you asthma, made your chest tight and made you unwell but she continued regardless?

Not sure she'd be that bothered by you not visiting her, tbh. You sound quite low on her priorities.

A baby shouldn't be exposed to that anyway. Follow your instincts. Put yourself and your baby first. If she wants to see you she'll make the effort. If not then it's no loss.

Just tell her your midwife has advised it’s really dangerous for baby to be around even old smoke. Additionally she shouldn’t smoke just before holding baby and needs to wash hands etc.
It is linked with cot death.

No way. She can visit (without smoking) or meet in a cafe. In fact her clothes will be full of smoke too so I wouldnt be keen or he cuddling the baby. Sad but has to be said

I am far from being precious about babies but the more I read about the long-term effects of cigarette smoke on babies, right into possible cancers in middle and old age, the more I would keep a newborn away from a smoker.

Ask your mw for some leaflets about the effects /risks to leave with your nan - she can't 'blame' you for not visiting when she can read the risks herself.

No chance in hell would I take a child into her house. Tell her she is welcome to visit in yours. I think it's fine to be honest about why too.

Tell your Nan that your DH won't allow the baby in her house, and that you agree with him. She can be offended all she wants, but times have changed since she started smoking and we know how dangerous it is.

I know what you mean. I find cigarette smoke to be very irritating, I can smell it on people and in homes, and I don’t even have asthma. I think when the baby arrives your Nan will have to compromise and meet you somewhere else. It is not safe to take a newborn to a house where you can smell the smoke.

It’s very very dangerous for babies to be held by someone with smoke on their clothes and skin (lingering carcinogens, google it if you need to give her evidence) never mind passive smoking in a house. I’m with your husband, no way can your baby go there.

I feel your pain OP, we had a similar situation with MIL. Explained (while I was pregnant) of why and the risks etc. She gave is the silent treatment for awhile but then gave up smoking due to saving money (yeah, right!).

In my experience, smokers (especially lifelong ones) will try to lay the blame anywhere else but the hard facts that their habit is harmful and frankly disgusting.

Stand your ground and keep it factual. "Nan, excited for you to meet the baby. Medical advice nowadays us to keep babies away from all forms of second hand smoke in the air and on clothes. We respect your right to smoke at home hope you can respect ours to ask you come to us to visit and don't smoke before or during seeing him".

I think you're all right and I feel better about how I feel about the whole situation. I don't want the baby in the house so I just need to grow a backbone and tell her. I agree with @KM99 keeping it factual might help because she thinks people are just having 'a pop' at her over her smoking rather than just being concerned. But to be fair she doesn't believe a lot of advice that's around now particularly when it comes to smoking.

@KimberlyS2 I don't think she thinks I'm putting it on when I'm sick around her. She just automatically gets defensive and offended whenever her smoking is mentioned for any reason. She always says well everyone smoked in my day around kids, didn't do them any harm, kids today are mollycoddled, didn't have none of this rubbish in my day etc. etc. It doesn't seem to matter what you say or what evidence is behind it. It's wrong in her opinion.

I think I'll broach it now and then at least there is a bit of time before the baby arrives and she might think things over a bit or get over being upset with us. Wish me luck.

We have the same issue with DP's nan, heavy smoker, smokes indoors house stinks etc. My DD has never been in her house for this reason, my MIL got a bit offended when my partner told her & sad for her mum but she accepted it pretty quickly & understood why. I can understand why your nan is offended she probably feels embarrassed her house 'smells' of smoke.. but she will just have accept it, your husband is right - your babies health trumps your nans emotions.

Don't allow it to turn into a verbal conversation, put it in writing so that she cannot disregard or gloss over it.

Text your Nan that she is welcome to visit your home to see the baby when she likes, but the baby is unable to come to her home due to the proven dangers of smoke around newborns, and of course you know she would not want you to put the baby at risk.

Have the same issue with DH Nan. Who is lovely and I feel so sad for her that she smokes, as she is clearly aware she mustn’t around the children etc. But will I go in her house while pregnant? Not a chance. Will she get to hold my new born baby? Not a chance. She can’t go long enough between a cigarette to have a bath and clean teeth and put fresh clothes on, so she will unfortunately miss out on baby cuddles because she is so addicted. It’s sad, but my priority is my baby. I know it’s an addiction and she is elderly. But essentially she does have a choice, albeit a hard one. Baby doesn’t.

It would be totally irresponsible to put your baby in that environment. It simply can't happen. Your grandmother will just have to deal with it.

I'm with everyone else. You can't take the baby into her house, and you really shouldn't be letting her hold the baby with smoky clothes/hair/breath.

Look at it like this. Say she had an airborne virus which is known to increase the risk of SIDS, asthma, childhood leukaemia, bronchiolitis and other things and lingers in the air after an infected person has been there. There's no way you'd be taking your baby to her house or letting her hold her, would you?

Smokers will unfortunately go to great lengths to defend their addiction (and have been used to all sorts of accommodations for their habit until relatively recently). But you must put your baby's health before family feelings. See it as your first practice in standing up for your child against someone who is not acting in his or her best interests.

I had this issue 14 years ago when my eldest DD was born, my Nan refused to not have a fag for an hour whilst we visited, I used to have to stand outside with the baby. I stopped going after 3 occasions of me and baby outside whilst everyone else was indoors puffing away. Totally ruined my relationship with her, as she refused to do the visiting (because she wasn’t allowed to smoke in our house) I’m sorry but I can’t offer any advice, I just find it so sad, my Nan died in horrible circumstances a few years ago at 75, and things were never resolved. She never met my younger daughter for the same reasons.