Nervous about newborn being around a heavy smoker

[maimy88]

A bit of background this is about my Nan who I really love. I have had really bad sickness during my pregnancy and one of the smells that set me off is smoke. My Nan is a very heavy smoker and when I asked her not to smoke just before I go pick her up to take her somewhere or to open her windows for a bit before I visit, she seemed totally fine about it. But when it actually came to it, i'm not sure she was. She got really offended when I was sick around her and tried to blame it on everything but the smoke.

I've always struggled going to her house because I have asthma and it's like walking into a wall of smoke. My clothes and hair smell badly of smoke after visits, my chest feels tight and the smoke smell seems to linger to matter what I do. I know she is old, set in her ways and if she chooses to smoke inside her own home that's her decision but now I'm really nervous about when my baby actually arrives. If I struggle in her home surely a newborn baby would too? She won't actually smoke around the baby but given how heavily she smokes indoors with the windows closed the smoke is trapped in there anyway. She gets really offended and upset if her smoking is mentioned for any reason so I don't know now how to approach the situation. AIBU or overprotective to not want my baby to go into my Nan's house?

My Nan doesn't really like going anywhere so the suggestion of taking her somewhere to spend time with the baby isn't going to work. My husband has said he does not want to take the baby there at all. I just don't know what to do. She was a huge part of my life growing up and don't want her to miss out but equally I want to look after my baby.

Does anyone have any advice if they've been in similar situations?

And another risk that I don't think is talked about much - exposure to smoke is thought to increase the risk of meningococcal disease.

She's being very selfish. I know she's your nan and you love her but she hasn't put you first.

Tell her you won't be taking the baby to her house and if she wants to see it she must not smoke before she sees him/her and that she must change her clothes and shower beforehand. She will think it extreme but it's tough.

YANBU at all. We won’t be visiting DP’s parents house when DD is born as his dad smokes inside. Thankfully it won’t be a shock to them as BIL had a baby a few months ago and they won’t visit the house either.

Are you visiting her in her house during your pregnancy? If so, perhaps stop doing so as the poor air quality can affect the baby as well as yourself.

I didn't see my aunt for 5 years before she died as she refused to not light up when me and dc were there.
She was housebound and had carers who helped her light up and even bought her a cigarette holder to make holding a cigarette (with MS) easier.
Imo she chose smoking over family and I stayed away.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. My sister in law smokes and actually makes a point of washing her hands before she touches my baby. I’d like her to change her top too but I’m too shy to ask. I compensate by immediately changing baby’s clothes once she leaves. I wouldn’t take my baby into a smoker’s house end of story - I won’t even stand in a bus shelter if someone is smoking. I appreciate how hard this must be for you but agree with other posters that you have to just stand firm. Good luck.

I've only visited twice in the 4 months I've been pregnant and taken her out a couple of times. Lots of phone calls though. I think at this point I know that the baby will not be going in her house and will not have much physical contact in terms of holding etc. The baby will always come first.

I just had a chat to my Husband about it and he thinks I'm just worrying about feelings being hurt and dealing with how I feel about my Nan missing out rather than worrying about the actual decision itself of keeping the baby away from the house etc.

Don't take the baby round, if she asks why - be honest. You are not stopping her from seeing the baby because she can always come to you. Maybe offer to pick her up too if that helps, although I would still be annoyed that my babies clothes are bound to smell of smoke after - bleugh.

she is of course entitled to smoke in her own house. But due to the horrible reek you are equally entitled not to go there. Especially as it actually affects your health with instant effects. (Sounds like anyone would struggle there)

so if she wants to see you and the baby she meets somewhere else and doesn't smoke while she is there. Easy choice - drugs or family.

no good saying that she doesn't smoke while you are in her house, as it sounds like it will only be made habitable by razing it to the ground and beginning again.

No way would I let my baby anywhere near her house. I also wouldn't let her hold the baby either if she comes to visit you. The stink off smokers is vile and makes me feel uncomfortable anyway - a baby does not need to be exposed to such harmful chemicals. She'll be upset but tough shit - it's her choice to smoke but it is your duty to protect your baby's health.