WWYD- NR parent consistently late

[PippilottaLongstocking]

Just that really, we’ve been separated for years but only recently got a court order in place. He’s never been consistent with contact (which is why I got the court order) but he’s been picking DS up on time then dropping him back 5-20 minutes late. He’s never been less than 5 minutes late. I wouldn’t mind once or twice but I feel like he’s just taking the piss really, but it’s not late enough for it to be worthwhile getting the order enforced. I tried asking him to be on time once and all he did was pick DS up 10 minutes early instead. Do I just have to put up with it?

Is there a particular reason why 5-10 mins late is an issue? Do you have to leave to take him somewhere immediately?
If not you’re being incredibly petty. It’s a few mins not hours late. I’m rarely on time, I try to be on time but with kids things get delayed, they suddenly need a wee just as you’re leaving, temporary traffic lights on normal routes etc.
5-20 mins late is no big deal. I’d pick your battles

What’s the issue with a few minutes?

It’s the fact it’s every single week and I have no idea if it’s going to be 5 minutes or 20 minutes or even more

Pick your battles. If you have nothing concrete planned i wouldn't worry just keep a note. If you have something planned just send a message saying that you need your DC back on time as you have something planned and need to leave.

It is annoying about it doesn't sound like its worth fighting about

So he’s later than 20mins regularly? Or are you saying you get yourself worked up that he might be later than that?
Anyway under half an hour I wouldn’t even be bothered, why does it annoy you so much?
If you have plans for a specific time then it’s unfair for him to be deliberately late. But other than that I think YABU.
If he’s being a good parent and seeing his child regularly than I really don’t think being a few mins late is a big deal.
It seems like you’re angry at him for order reasons and are blowing this out of proportion tbh

other reasons*

This is not worth pursuing
5-20 mins - not a big deal

If you ever have plans, then absolutely make clear that he must be on time

Otherwise, let it go

I understand your concerns OP as I've experienced similar and the lateness does impact on my DC even though it might not seem that long to some people. I would say he doesn't bring them back on time because he doesn't want to. It's not because he's being delayed. It's a control thing. The best thing is to try not to react, however hard that is. Any chance you could collect instead?

You really think being 5mins late is a control thing?
Jesus I must be the most controlling person ever 😂😂😂😂
You’re reading far too much into this

In my situation it definitely has been a control thing. It's pushing things just far enough to cause problems but not far enough to be able to do anything about. OP isn't talking about 5 minutes. She's talking about up to 20 minutes. If they are always late it would suggest he doesn't ever aim to get there on time.

OP how old is DS and how far away is he coming from?

But is it a problem? Other than her being annoyed? Like I said if she has plans that he is aware of then he’s out of order, if it’s just taken a bit longer to get out of the house / drive there and she’s just waiting at home for him then why is it a big deal?
If it’s regularly 20 mins then mention it to him... but OP said 5-20 mins late.
I really don’t see what the big deal is, it seems petty to be so annoyed by it

He brings him back at bedtime so half an hour late means bedtime is later and the morning after is harder. I got the court order because he never stuck to agreed times so I expect this is his way of showing me that it won’t work. Like I said, wouldn’t be an issue if it was only sometimes but it’s been every single time.

I think the only thing you can do is put in writing the harm it does to your son because he's going to bed late and it has a knock on effect. If you frame it around what's best for DS and leave yourself out of it and he continues to do it he's just a twat. It's a bit late to point this out now but if you knew he did this you could have insisted the return time in the court order was earlier to allow for it.

So now it’s half an hour late?

We’ll just explain what you did here. My ex used to be let our DS stay up late when he had him on a Weds (think 9pm bedtime instead of 7pm)
It resulted it what I called “Terrible Thursday”... basically he was so knackered the next day that he’d end up being naughty and irritable at nursery and I would have a hard time of it when I got home with it too.
I recorded DS crying on the way home from nursery and also photographed his progress book comments from Thursdays and sent it to my ex.
He was apologetic when he realised it was upsetting DS. He still goes to bed a bit later (so he can spend time with Ex) but I have adjusted our routine for Thursday evenings too. Dinner and bed time are earlier.

I really can’t see how 5-20 mins would throw any routine that far off kilter, it’s not a huge difference in time really.

doyoumind I’ll do that, thanks!

pork if he’s 20 mins late plus the time he takes faffing around getting the car seat out of the car and bringing it in then going back to the car a couple of times to bring in anything he brought with him then standing in the doorway talking at me for ages it can easily be half an hour or even more

pork my point isn’t the exact amount of time he’s late, the issue is that he’s never been on time

Are you always bang on time dropping him off or picking him up from his dad’s? (I’m really not being goady I’m genuinely just trying to understand why it’s such a big deal to you).
Why don’t you have it so he collects him from you for his contact time, then you pick up from his house?

pork I don’t drive (planning to learn soon but we’re living on a careful budget and can’t afford lessons/car/insurance/fuel currently as it’s just not a priority financially, instead we live in a town with everything we need plus good public transport) he knew this when he chose to move to the middle of nowhere 20 mins drive away with no regular buses. However, I always have DS ready on time and we’re always on time/early if meeting him somewhere that I can get to. Bearing in mind also that I manage this with a baby and toddler in tow (not ex’s) and ex has no other children.

I do think there's bigger things to worry about.

At least he's consistently late. You know it will be at least 5 mins after x.

Tbh I don’t think you can complain over a few minutes if he does all the pickups and drop offs. Normally they would be split with that sort of distance, it’s not like he’s moved across the country but he is doing them all because you can’t.
I really think you need to let this go 🤷🏼‍♀️

You could play him at his own game occasionally and be back late 'Oh I was just out with some friends and as you are usually 20 minutes late I didn't rush back from the coffee shop around the corner where I have been waiting to see your car go past .' Or just text him an hour before he is due back and ask if he could come back at 7.15 instead of 7 seeing as he us usually late you thought he wouldn't mind, but you wanted to check.

Don't start game playing. Only people that will get hurt are the kids.

OP if you take anything away from this thread, please let it be to totally and utterly ignore the advise of @shouldwestayorshouldwego

TBH, it sounds a little like you are letting this get to you too much. Are there controlling issues from the past relationship? If not, you sound a little controlling.