To not invite ex in-laws to xmas

[SocialNiceties]

This year i will be having Xmas day at my house with my 2 kids , first time post divorce. Agreement is exh and i alternate years having Xmas at our homes, other parent comes for Xmas day.

Last year we weren't divorced but in process of unbeknownst to kids; his parents hosted, lot of usually distant family around, i went for xmas and boxing day, then left them to it. This year its my turn to have kids for xmas. In my new home. I have to have exh, fine, but i don't really want to have to invite the ex-inlaws as well.

For context, 80% of xmases past we have spent with ex inlaws at either their or our house( 20% of xmases with my family who live far away). When we were married the Ex in laws always invited the only member of my family who lives near me when they hosted xmas as well. Ex in laws have no other children locally but have extended family a bit further away.

I feel like the "right thing" to do is invite them, but i just don't want them there, i will end up being cranky and on edge and not enjoy the day which is first post divorce. Even if i just invited for lunch they will turn up crack of dawn and stay until the death and dominate the day with my exh there too; and i think it will set a precedent that they expect to come every time i have xmas.

I expect the exh will be outraged if i don't invite them and bring up that they have always invited my family member to their house when they hosted and that i am stopping them to see their gkids on xmas day and what /who will they some Xmas with

Just be careful with it being fairly new, depending on your DC ages they may ask santa for their mummy and daddy to get back together, think it's happened and then get upset at the end of the day

happened to my sister's brother in law (brother of my sister's husband...still with me?) And he was honestly devastated neither parent knew and thought it was best for the DC but the oldest thought her Christmas wish had come true and was really upset when he left. They had been apart for just under 6 months at the time I think

I actually think having your ex but refusing to have his parents is going to cause more problems than just doing totally separate christmases with your ex.

What does he say about his parents not being invited?

No way, they are your X in laws, nothing to do with you now. Your XP sorts out Christmas with him and his parents, not you.

What happens when you both meet new partners? Are all 4 of you going to Xmas together...this needs nipping in the bud...

No way to in laws!!!

OP, you’re very smart to start addressing this now as it gives time for both sides to reconsider.

You say that it’s agreed that EH comes for Xmas. What was exactly agreed? Whole day (ie arriving very early for present opening then staying throughout the day/evening to bed time?)

Even with this, ground rules. Arrival time, departure time, contribution to meal (with us, Xmas dinner is quite a splurge)

What about gift giving? Will EH try to show you up on giving expensive gifts?

Re: in laws. It’s your house, new traditions to start. Perhaps honesty is best policy. You’re divorced. You have to have EH there because it’s part of divorce arrangement but not so in laws. If you are comfortable to have them for lunch and lunch only, inform EH (and then call / communicate directly to Ex IL), that as this Xmas is different due to the divorce, there will be changes. Rather than cut all ties with ex family, for the sake of the children, you’re inviting IL for lunch and lunch only. Please kindly arrive at x time and kindly depart after lunch st x time.

Advise them that you’re doing it this way this year to ease transition for a more fair split of Xmas/Boxing Day in future following divorce to allow for future relationships.

Then I think I’d be trying to address splitting Xmas/Boxing Day w EH for the future. The current arrangement could become difficult when other partners come into the picture.

Best of luck OP.

What TuckMy said. Your home, your rules. You are single now, so you decide. Personally I would split the day .

Although, SocialN, I see what you are saying about this year. Maybe just no to the in laws, or you pop over to theirs for an hour? They should understand, given your new situation, and if they don't they are unreasonable.

Christmas is about the kids.
You mentioned them being upset and wanting no him there?

So have the conversation “I am putting our children first, I am happy to invite you. I am NOT hosting anyone else, your parents can see them another day, on your time. You can take them on Boxing Day (if you are comfortable letting him do that) and going forward we should consider how we’ll split holidays. Especially once we have new relationships to consider. “

You should not feel uncomfortable in your new home, at Christmas.

Will your kids want to see their gps Christmas Day? That’s the only question that matters imo.

No there is no right thing, you are no longer a family with him now, he is an ex. So he makes his own Christmas arrangements with the kids through you.

Thanks for thoughts.

As i said previously i feel emboldened that i can not invite ex in laws now, (not discussed that with exh as yet).

But he can still come this year.

As I'm sure is the case in many breakups there are a lot of complexities, underlying emotions etc that mean what is right/workable for some families is not necessarily the same for all. this year, for me it is ok. Not great, but doable.

Ido think things will change in future , whether due to new partners, or being more used to being two families etc. I think things will be fluid and not fixed, eg there are going to be years where i will want to take the kids away to my family which is too far for exh to come too.

I think a general split somehow, of the three days( eve, xmas, boxing) Will be acceptable to exh as a general principle. but is probably best raised not so close to 'now' when we only recently separated households and everyone is still emotionally up and down, and its close to xmas which has its own tensions and emotions!. I think if i suggest a change to agreement now it is a grenade into a fraught time.

early next year i can bring up that we need to make a change for next year having reflected on things.

You sound lovely OP, your children will benefit from your calm and measured approach.

I think your idea of spending Xmas day with you and your kids and exh is fantastic if you are all happy with it. It shows your kids that although you are no longer living together you are still able to get along with each.

No way at all do your ex in laws need to be included in this. Tough if your ex is outraged. He can invite them to his next year.

Don’t apologise, don’t get drawn into discussions. Just calmly say it doesn’t work for you.

I agree, if you raise it this year, you will have to give up next...

so get this Christmas out the way, everything will be a year on and a year less fraught and who knows, you might even be on better terms next year than you are this... you can hope

the main thing - for both of you/for ALL of you - is to focus on the kids and make sure they are as chilled as they can be. it will be tricky for them this year so keeping the day as 'normal' as poss has to be everyone's focus somehow.

@Disfordarkchocolate i don't think I've ever been described as calm and measured in RL ! ( one can aspire....)

OP I have no idea why everyone is telling you to change christmas arrangements. If you are happy with them whats the problem?

But no to in-laws. They can see them on boxing day and christmas day next year. No big deal. If he makes a fuss tell him that he has to accept that they are not your family anymore and its not appropriate. If he can't accept that then maybe you do need to change arrangements.

My parents are divorced and when I was young I would have loved to have them share christmas day so if you can make it work thats great.