To not invite ex in-laws to xmas

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This year i will be having Xmas day at my house with my 2 kids , first time post divorce. Agreement is exh and i alternate years having Xmas at our homes, other parent comes for Xmas day.

Last year we weren't divorced but in process of unbeknownst to kids; his parents hosted, lot of usually distant family around, i went for xmas and boxing day, then left them to it. This year its my turn to have kids for xmas. In my new home. I have to have exh, fine, but i don't really want to have to invite the ex-inlaws as well.

For context, 80% of xmases past we have spent with ex inlaws at either their or our house( 20% of xmases with my family who live far away). When we were married the Ex in laws always invited the only member of my family who lives near me when they hosted xmas as well. Ex in laws have no other children locally but have extended family a bit further away.

I feel like the "right thing" to do is invite them, but i just don't want them there, i will end up being cranky and on edge and not enjoy the day which is first post divorce. Even if i just invited for lunch they will turn up crack of dawn and stay until the death and dominate the day with my exh there too; and i think it will set a precedent that they expect to come every time i have xmas.

I expect the exh will be outraged if i don't invite them and bring up that they have always invited my family member to their house when they hosted and that i am stopping them to see their gkids on xmas day and what /who will they some Xmas with

I think the age of your DC comes into it. They will have a view on being shuttled around if a bit older.

I would not invite the in-laws for xmas day unless you envisage a future way down the line where you still will feel close to them.

It’s only September, plenty of time to sort it, so take a deep breath.

Start over. Last year you went to his family, so you don’t ‘owe’ him anything. Clean slate. Tell him you have been thinking about Christmas & realise your plan isn’t going to be good for ANY of you.

Suggest year about for the next two years, then reassess. So this year one has Christmas Eve & Christmas morning, the other has Christmas Day from lunchtime until Boxing lunchtime OR one has Christmas this year, the other next year.

Agreeing to host the other one is a recipe for disaster, 99.99% of the time. It’s ONLY good if you genuinely want to share the day and even then, it’s not without its complications. Don’t do it.

You can make any part of Christmas special. Obviously it’s sad not to have them ALL of Christmas, but it’s much better to have a lovely relaxed time when you do have them, rather than having them for the whole time but lots of stress.

I'd definitely suggest having separate Christmases. One of you does Christmas with the kids on Christmas Day, the other on Boxing Day.

Alleviates the problem of having his family at your home completely.

They are all ex for a reason and it's your xmas this year.
do you think your ex will be as accommodating to you next xmas, he may have a new partner and child by then.
you certainly don't owe him or his family anything, divorce means just that, divorced from him and his family.
Why not go to your family for xmas it must be hard for them if they live a long way away.

The thing is he's your ex, but they're still your DC's grandparents.

Divorce changes everything. Youve adjusted. Unfortunately other people need to as well. Don't leave it hanging. Give them an early warning of the change in arrangements so that they can make other nice plans for Xmas in good time.

I think if the OP and her ex can tolerate each other at Christmas for one day, for the benefit of the children, that's great.

She's expecting him to "outraged" if he doesn't get to dictate the guest list for the Christmas day she is hosting. It's not an amicable dynamic if it's only amicable when things are on his terms.

The thing is he's your ex, but they're still your DC's grandparents.

And on the years ex is hosting he can invite them. OP isn't obliged to have anyone in her home that she doesn't want there.

OP you need to do what YOU want and make your own traditions. Start now.

i'd let him be outraged, he can host his parents if it's that important to him.
he's an ex and his outrage means nothing to the OP, or shouldn't.

OP, make your own traditions with your dc, have xmas with yourselves, or visit your family, as you've hardly spent any xmasses with them it does seem like their turn tbh.

Yanbu. The only possible upside to dh and me getting divorced (god forbid) would be that I’d never have to spend Christmas with my in laws again! But maybe yours are nicer than mine. Still yanbu.

My parents separated for a good few years when I was younger, we all still did the things we'd always done with the same extended family both sides, dad would stay over Christmas Eve, we'd all get up do presents, breakfast and then either go to GPs with other extended family or they'd all come to us, but then my parents got back together in my late teens, so maybe that's normal maybe it's not! Could you not have an arrangement where your family come when you host and his family come when he hosts?

My ex and I spent the first post-split Christmas day together at the request of the children and we had a lovely old day. Very relaxing and then he took them to visit his new partner in the afternoon...which meant I got the chance for a nap. It was the most relaxing day because I had got used to having his whole family there every Christmas, with all the work that entails. I would definitely just change things with them now, otherwise you will have to break the pattern. Just set expectations. If he kicks off, he kicks off. You' don't have to do what he says.

FWIW, we now do the same thing every year: kids stay at mine on Christmas eve and spend most of Christmas day with me, then they go to him in the afternoon about 4pm. Its always a bit of a rush finishing dinner but worth it because I can't bear the prospect of not having my kids in the house on Christmas morning. He, on the other hand, is not really bothered about that but just wants to see them. That way, he can use his time with them to socialise with his parents. Not my problem. He then normally has then New Year's eve, which I'm not so bothered about and happy to have an adult one.

No, I wouldn’t have them but I wouldn’t have my ex either. If you think he’s going to object to them not coming-tell him not to come.

Don't invite them and to be honest, I wouldn't be having the ex either. What happens when you both move on and possibly have kids keep doing it. It would be hard emotionally but you should just alternate years. One has Xmas and the other Boxing Day and switch each year.

My husband grew up having Christmas day with his mum, and boxing day with his dad. He said this worked well for them.

I always had the ex at Christmas, for around ten years. It was one of a few days a year we put our differences aside for the sake of the children and what they wanted. So obviously I admire you!
The children are now grown and have such lovely memories of Christmas and Birthdays that they are trying to create similar within their own families. I think it is the mature thing to do as long as there is no huge animosity between you. I think too that it gives the children good modelling of how relationships can be after divorce. When new partners came along we played it by ear but neither of us was ever really serious with anyone else and they certainly didn’t spend Christmas at mine.
As for the ex in laws. Again I can only go by my own experiences. My ex MIL was a cow but I actually loved her dearly as did the children. Saying that though I wouldn’t have ever spent Christmas with them pre divorce so wouldn’t have done afterwards. Over the years they stayed many times with me and I visited them often too

Also..it's never going to seem right having your ex over on Christmas day as things change. Your future partners wouldn't want that. Seperate it between you both.

I invited my ex to spend Christmas Day with us 6 months after we separated. Our children were teenagers (13, 15 17) but I felt guilty that I would have the day with my gorgeous babies and he would be on his own.

He came round for present opening, sat there whilst I did all the cooking and serving, didn't even bring a bottle of wine or chocolates, left "for a nap at home" around 4pm (actually went to see his then girlfriend) before coming back at 7pm for 'tea'!!!! I was ready to throttle him by the end of the day.

Next year I didn't invite him for dinner - can't remember what we did now but last year kids had lunch with me, I invited my new partner with the kids agreement, then they went to his for tea. He only live a mile away so an easy trip.

Not sure what we will do this year as he's just moved in with his latest girlfriend

YANBU. Do not invite the inlaws. Yes they used to invite your relative but that was before the divorce. Life is different now, for all of you.

I think it's wonderful you spend the day with your ex and you can do that for your kids so long everyone is getting on and he isn't ruining your day!

Invite your ex in laws for Boxing Day (or another day) asap so they don't get any ideas and know that they are very much included and welcome in the season to spend time with their grandkids just not Christmas Day. Your day so you decide this year

Unless you were hoping to take your own smoky to your ex's house next year

Thanks for all the input! It has made me feel i am NBU to not have the ex in laws!

I hear what a lot of people are saying about completely separating our xmas celebrations, and i do think it will happen but not this year. ( im moving house between now and xmas, children still upset, one child keeps mentioning having us both there etc). Also if next year i am the one to suggest he takes Xmas eve/day and i have xmas night/boxing it may be better received than this year if i suggest kicking him out of Xmas day, iyswim.

do kids really want to be travelling between houses and sets of family on Christmas Day?

I'd try to accommodate what the kids want to do, within boundary lines of what the adults can feel comfortable with-ie for me it would be no in-laws at my house.

I know it’s notvwhat you asked but I’d change this dynamic now and split Christmas Day. Mostly because you are the one that stands to miss out next year if your ex meets someone new. There is plenty of time for him to meet someone else between now and then and change his mind about hosting you at his next Christmas. This means that he has potentially dictated this Christmas and future ones. If you believe he has the potential to be unreasonable about his parents in your time he has the potential to suddenly change this Christmas plan to suit himself.

Some people have a good relationship apre divorce which includes christmas dinner etc, Iv even known new partners attend, Great for the kids,,seeing mums and dads together.
But draw a line at the outlaws...And ignore your ex's winghing,

If you are happy with your ex there, especially for the first Christmas, then great. I would set down ground rules of what time he can arrive from and when you expect him to leave (i.e. you can come over any time after 8 and have lunch and the afternoon with us and go home before dinner).

You do not have to have his parents there - they are not your family anymore. If they are likely to take over you could either have them come over in the morning before lunch for presents, take the children over to see them for an hour or just tell them they will have to have a second Christmas with them on a different day.

IMO it depends on the kind of relationship you all have. I would actually rather host my ex ILs than my ex, as they’re lovely people and we get on well. However, when we first split we were fairly amicable but we did split Christmas for the first two years. Then after that he had a new partner and child so he travelled away to spend Christmas with them and my DC have spent it with me ever since.

But only host the ex inlaws if you want to host them, not because it would be expected of you iyswim.