AIBU staying team yellow when 3yo dd1 DESPERATE for a sister?

[Emz1989]

Basically that.
3yo is being amazing about my pregnancy, very loving towards bump.
Started with her telling the key workers in nursery that Mummy's having a girl (they were shocked when I said we actually hadn't found out!) and now if I mention that it could be a boy she gets very annoyed and tells me she won't love him

BarbarianMum yes exactly! Ambivalence tinged by slight episodes of hostility for about 6 months, now they are quite happy together but definitely not at first.

You are her parents. A new sibling arriving is the biggest upheaval most children will ever face, so act like a grown up and do what will make the transition easiest for her. Everybody, no matter their age, deals with change better if they’re prepared for it.

I don't think they are obliged to find out the sex of the baby and tell the 3 year old about it. Sorry but some things are in the realm of adults, and this is one of them. Children cannot choose the sex or more broadly choose whether or not they get a sibling at all. Part of the experience of becoming a big brother or big sister is accepting that you are not the centre of the universe anymore - and in fact that you never were.

We were never bothered about surprises with either of our two. So we found out regardless.

I do think it helped with our eldest adjusting to having a sibling by finding out. Mainly because we picked a name and started calling baby that name before he was born. Eldest was younger than your DD and I think it helped him to understand that this was going to be another little person, not just a baby if that makes sense.

I don't think it's about letting your DD dictate what's going on. Its about recognising that she is going to be dealing with a lot of emotions and upheaval with a new addition to the family and if there is something you can do to help make that process easier, why not?!

Because the op doesnt want to? Because there's no evidence it will help?

A new sibling is a disruption but its one that is a normal and routine part of many, many childrens lives. And one
that we have been designed by nature over the millenia to cope with.

I'd find out now.
It could well be a girl.
If not, then I'd start preparing her.
She could just need to visualise the baby to love it, and has visualise it as a girl.

Good grief how OTT is this! FFS

She will have to wait and learn that adults are in charge of such things! Honestly you say the baby boy or girl is going to be wonderful. You don't manage her if it's a boy, you don't feel any guilt you just say it's wonderful!

If you do decide she should find out, please don't take her to your 20 week scan. Even if all is well (which of course is the most likely outcome) you may still have some important medical information to process and you don't want to be distracted. Heaven forbid there should be some medical issues with the new baby, you really don't want a toddler there.

We didn't find out despite having the same issue and we had no regrets. Unfortunately for my 1st born they did not get what they wanted (we ended up with boy and girl) but obviously they got over it - eventually! We didn't find out with any of ours, it is a personal decision and definitely not one a 3 year old gets to make!

(Oh and also - just as with adults - if you are hoping for one sex or the other because of pre-conceived ideas about what each sex will be like - it's the ideas that need to be changed. So talk to her about what a girl and a boy can do and how they are EXACTLY THE SAME).

Mine was adamant it was a girl and when baby no2 was not they never even batted an eyelid. Il keep everything crossed for you they feel the same. She was just happy to have a the baby here.

Completely irrelevant, but my friend burst into tears when she saw her baby brother and yelled angrily "I wanted a brown baby!!" (They are a white family!

I wouldn't change my plans to be honest. Just keep reminding her that we don't know if it's a boy or a girl. And either is great.

Your 3 year old is no different from any other 3 year old.
Mine desperately wanted a baby girl.
We stayed team yellow as that was what DH and I wanted.
And she was besotted with her Brother.

She won't care when baby is here, she'll just be happy

No-one is suggesting that OP's DD should just be told to suck it up and tough luck. Of course it is a massive event in her short life and will involve a lot of emotions. But so it has been for every child expecting a sibling from way before anyone had the option of finding out what sex it would be. And for the most part children have survived without any long lasting trauma. Just keep telling her (if she mentions it) that you don't know if it is a boy or a girl and won't it be a lovely surprise. Don't worry - you'll all be fine!

I was very displeased when my brother was born. Someone ( can't remember if it wad my DM or my DF) told me on the phone and all I said was "huh, I wanted a sister" and handed the phone back to my aunty who was looking after me. My adult relatives found it all very funny. To be honest I didn't like him for ages but now I wouldn't swap him for the world.

Once the baby's here she won't care. Do it the old fashioned way, easier for everyone.

My DB locked himself in the bathroom when my DF told him I had been born because he wanted a little brother so much. Think he still would rather have had a brother tbh

I didn't want to know with either of mine. Ds was 6 when dd was born and had spent months telling me he wanted a sister because "I m the boy". I told him we just have to wait an see but all babies are lovely.
He got his wish and they are close in adulthood but I think he sometimes wished different when they were little and she did things like mess up his Lego collection.
I think the old days were a bit easier tbh as it wasn't usual to know.
Good luck and congratulations on the baby whatever it Is!

Another vote for the "honestly don't worry about it" camp - in other words, don't let her feelings dictate what you decide.

When I was pregnant with DC3, I already had a DD who wanted a sister and a DS who wanted a brother, and so knowing that one of them would be disappointed, we decided to find out. DS's gloomy face lasted less than five minutes - seriously, no longer - and by the evening he was already sitting next to my bump reading a bedtime story to his baby sister. Just not an issue. And now DD2 is here, DS loves her every bit as much as DD1 does.

I think your 3 yr old doesn't need to be the reason u find out sex or not. I think we should all remember 3 yr olds r 3 yr olds....

She is 3.
3 year olds are totally U most of the time.

Wow just finished work and wasn't expecting to come home to 70+ replies - thank you!

To be clear, we didn't find out what we were having when pregnant first time and hadn't planned to this time. We LOVED that surprise moment, although we'd have been equally happy either way.

It's not about 'allowing a 3yo to dictate decisions' at all. It's about accepting she's a little person with a big change coming, and wondering how best to prepare her... So thanks to those who seem to have understood that!

Lots to consider, thank you!

Your daughter will be fine with her baby sibling whatever the sex. Lots of little ones particularly want a sis or bro but when the child arrives, they love them.

Congratulations and good luck!

I wouldn't. I would never ever find out the sex before birth. It's just not something I want to do, I think it's much nicer to find out when your baby is actually there in the room.
I really wanted a girl, we had a boy. I think it's easier to accept when the baby is there rather than at a scan when all you have is a picture. I don't agree with it being easier to prepare by finding out at all.
If you want a surprise, then have one. Say it was the opposite way round and you really wanted to know but your child didn't. Would you not find out on their say so?