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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty about CMS payments from ex

26 replies

namechange1111111 · 10/09/2018 19:21

I've had the year from hell with my exh.

Issues with a few things.

Letting our child down.
Not seeing her for weeks.
Lying to me about why.

He has his own money problems of his own making.

He's a narcissist.

However I asked the cms to raise a case for cms as we couldn't agree and he was out of the country (I thought for good and raised in the event he came back which he then did).

He was paying me a really crap amount and I asked the cms to raise a variation which they did and now said he should be providing six times what he was.

I now feel guilty. That I am adding to his money problems. I don't need the money I can support us on my wages. I don't earn a fortune but we are not broke either.

I am BU to feel like this aren't I? I am a soft touch and a worrier.

Can you people let me know your thoughts to see if I am being U taking the money or for feeling guilty about it please.

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 10/09/2018 19:23

He needs to step up to his responsibilities
Why should you bear all child related costs?

Sidelook · 10/09/2018 19:23

Yabu for feeling guilty about a father taking his responsibility for his DD seriously.

Redgreencoverplant · 10/09/2018 19:23

He has a responsibility to provide for his child so YANBU. Doesn't matter how much you earn, he has to pay for a fair proportion of his DC's costs.

meddie · 10/09/2018 19:24

Take the money. Why are you feeling guilty for his money troubles of his own making.Thats his problem to sort out. He was happy to pay you a crap amount without any concern for whether it was enough to help support his children. Dont feel sorry for him. I can guarantee he would not have offered you a fair amount once his money troubles got sorted.

Pissedoffdotcom · 10/09/2018 19:26

YADBU about feeling guilty. Give yourself a good shake & remind yourself how many people it took to make your DD...that is how many people should be financially providing for her. Regardless of whether you can survive without it, it is your right to that money for your daughter. Hell put it in savings for her if you want but do not close that claim! His issues are not your fault

John4703 · 10/09/2018 19:26

I might be out of order as a man to comment but as far as I know the CMS are not overly generous and I think he should pay all that they suggest to support his child. OP you might have enough to get by but why not have more to spend on his and your children?

Grumpyoldblonde · 10/09/2018 19:28

Does he feel guilty at being a shit dad and leaving it all to you?

Fuck guilt, child comes first always.

StatisticallyChallenged · 10/09/2018 19:30

CMS aren't known for over generosity anyway, but if he's as much of a git as he sounds he will probably start trying to find lots of ways to dodge. Take it while you can, put aside anything you don't need to spend at the moment for those times when he doesn't pay as there will almost certainly be many of them.

Starlight345 · 10/09/2018 19:32

I think stop thinking about him. It’s his issue. I assume they have looked . He can afford to pay just doesn’t want to.

Excited0803 · 10/09/2018 19:33

The CMS won't be taking money he can't afford, you have no need to feel guilty.

PinkHeart5914 · 10/09/2018 19:36

A child has two parents, both have to pay towards giving the dc at least basic care (l.e roof over head, food & clothing) it’s the responsibility that comes with unprotected sex

Singlenotsingle · 10/09/2018 19:36

It takes two people to create a child, and both of them should contribute towards its upkeep. (Sez me who brought up 2 children single handed with never a penny piece from anyone).

sue51 · 10/09/2018 19:40

His problems are of his own making. CMS do not take an unreasonable amount. He has been a bad parent, money does not make up for this. Do not feel guilty.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 10/09/2018 19:42

My friend cancelled her ex husbands maintenance payments because he hit dire straits at work and had less than £200 a week coming in. The £20 or whatever she'd have got based on those wages meant little to her but meant he'd be able to feed them and himself when he looked after them.

Difference being he's a good dad who had always paid above what he could before having his hours chopped in half.........a 'man' like your ex however I wouldnt give headspace to.

Glumglowworm · 10/09/2018 19:43

I mean this kindly but YABU to feel guilty

this is money that your child is entitled to. Of course her other parent should financially support her!

If doing so is causing him financial issues then that is entirely his fault not yours. Supporting your kids is at least as important as rent and bills, and needs to be budgeted for accordingly. His failure do that is exactly that, his failure. Not yours and not your dd’s

SocialPiranha · 10/09/2018 19:44

YABU for feeling guilty he should be paying towards the care of his children. The CMS amount is the bare minimum. And they’ve said he’s to pay 6 times what he was originally paying.

Trust me, it’s not you who should be feeling guilty here.

thejeangenie36 · 10/09/2018 19:58

Man here. You are NOT BU to ask for CMS payments. His child; he needs to step up. I'd have sympathy with the 'he can't afford it' argument if he was a good parent in other ways, but he is not. So the least he can do is pay a bit of money.

RandomMess · 10/09/2018 20:00

Stop feeling guilty!

How are you going to find her through college and uni???

DC get so much more expensive when they are older!

ShalomJackie · 10/09/2018 20:03

It will only be 15% of his wages!

namechange11111111 · 10/09/2018 20:20

Thank you for your comments.

It means a lot.

I know you are all right aswell and it does make me feel better.

He hasn't been a great dad the last 12
Months. Before that he wasn't perfect but there was a decent relationship between us as parents. The last 12 months has shot that to shit.

I will stop feeling guilty and bank anything I get for her future. I already have a savings account I add to monthly so this extra can go in there too.

TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 10/09/2018 21:30

Ah I have recently had this guilt too! Laid on thick by ex who suddenly wanted to sort out differences but actually had discovered that CMS was now involved and he was to go from £80 p/m to £260 p/m. I didn't stop the claim as I felt he was manipulating me and low and behold he hates me again! We fell out and he wanted minimum communication so I involved CMS to secure financial support of a 4 year private arrangement. Unbeknownst to me, they pulled out that larger figure because he has a company car. He wanted me to stop the CMS case as it was taking too much due to the company car but refused to share contact details again with me, my opinion was 'he no longer wants to be friends therefore his financial problems are none of my business'. He didn't pay anything or have regular contact for 8 years so he got off lightly for a longtime, I didn't chase him because we got on and I didn't want to cause him stress. It's a major guilt for me because he is expecting a baby with his wife this month but I never expected I'd been 'under paid' so much for four years so I didn't intend for more money. I've had people on here call me jealous and vindictive but it's never been about those things and only 4 weeks ago I'd have laughed if anyone had told me how bad our relationship would be now!

Sorry totally hijacked that! I stopped feeling so bad when I realise my household income is half of his and we support two adults, a teen and a toddler on it. Him and his wife had double our income for just themselves for many years.

As my friends have said to me - men shouldn't have kids if they can't afford to pay for them. Also, if he gets debt help, CMS would be classed as a priority outgoing, it's the other things he has to negotiate. I had debts for many years but still had to feed and clothe my son...

Original poster
namechange1111111 · 11/09/2018 07:46

Yep I'm just waiting for the fall out.

Last time the cms contacted him and advised him they were reviewing his payments I got a load of abuse.

My stance since relationships broke down has always been "let someone independent of us decide what the amount should be"

He was over the moon with this as originally they asked for an amount that didn't take dividends into account. He actually said to me "this is what you wanted so this is all I will pay".

I asked the cms for a variation to be applied and they wrote to him and named me and advised I'd requested it. Hence a load of abuse and threats. Can't wait for the fall out of this 🤦🏽‍♀️.

He will no doubt contest it and not pay. Then blame me for the stress it's putting him under whilst this goes on.

I'm not going to withdraw my claim. I didn't realise it was only 15% of his income.

OP posts:
midcenturylegs · 14/09/2018 23:16

Namechange111111
Imagine having a life of peace with just you and your daughter and being able to provide for her yourself. I know it's hard but you have to focus on her and not his fucked up life.
Hopefully you've family about that can support you when you need it. I've been through a similar experience to you (although my ex was on the spectrum but also diagnosed as having NPD?!) - I'm personally more fucked off that I gave him 6 years of my life and wish I'd been as strong back then as I am now. Lean on your Family but also stay strong in yourself. You can do this xx

Original poster
namechange1111111 · 15/09/2018 15:19

I no longer feel guilty.

He's been texting today saying ignore the letter it's wrong.

He is going to refile his tax so I will get minimal still.

He's happy to negotiate with me if I can provide receipts for EVERYTHING. He will then pay half.

Except for food and rent, water, electricity and gas because I would be paying that anyway and I'd have it all on regardless if Our DD was their or not.

Is this even possible? If it is it's illegal
Surely?!

I really believe he is undiagnosed narcissistic and not bi polar or ADHD as he claims.

OP posts:
BabySharkAteMyHamster · 15/09/2018 17:38

Well he's done you a massive favour because you now have evidence that he's planning to commit fraud

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