To want DH to move an hour away from his parents to provide our children with a better education?

[Amyk01]

DH and I are both from the same hometown and currently live here, as do both of our families who we are both close to. We are going to be moving home in the very near future, and I am taking schools into consideration for our daughter.

We are extremely fortunate that we are in a position to send our children to private school, however there is only one excellent school local to us which takes children in from age 7. It is a great school, but certainly not the best and would be our only option for senior school as there are no local grammars.

However an hours drive away, there are an abundance of private (from age 2 onwards) and grammar schools, which are consistently ranked extremely high and I feel would provide our children with greater options and a significantly better education than our one local school with the intake from age 7 onwards.

Moving an hour away would have us living in a beautiful area with a vast number of high performing infant and senior schools to choose from all within a short distance. However, it would also add approximately 10-15 minutes each way to my husbands journey to work, and would mean he is an hour away from family which is not something he wants at all, and it seems is somewhat of a deal breaker.

I have crazily considered driving the hour daily to take my daughter to my preferred school, but fortunately fellow Mumsnetters have told me how crazy that is and how detrimental the journey would be to my daughter.

AIBU to want us to move the hour away to give our children the best possible start in life, whilst also moving to a substantially better area? I know many say that a child will thrive anywhere, but the stats are there for these schools in terms of results and leavers destinations, and that most definitely isn't the case for the schools currently local to us. Also it somewhat makes me feel that my husband is prioritising proximity to his family, over our children's education.

Do you work?

Education isn't everything.
You have to balance family life and wider relationships as well.

Plus - what are the non grammars like - your child might turn out to be not academic?

What re the local state schools like? Are they dire (all RI or special measures) or actually quite decent but you think private schools are better?

You wounding have to drive them an hour, you would only have to drive them to the closest bus pick up point, which may well be quite close.

When you look at the schools' results, are you looking at them in the context of the cohort? Have you visited the schools concerned? Why not just send them private at 7- many p pole do this.

Don’t under estimate the importnzce of having family and good community locally.

There is more to life than School!

Is there anywhere nice to live if you split the difference. So only move half hr away

I would move if I were you. An hour isn’t the end of the world by any means but you have the opportunity to do something wonderful for your children and provide them with a multitude of opportunities so why wouldn’t you?

I agree with PPs that family are important and they really really are. Could they still travel to you ok if you lived an hour away? I grew up with both grandparents living 2.5 hours away in opposite ends of Britain and one set I knew and still know extremely well but the other grandparents sadly were always too ill to travel and I barely knew them.

An hour away is easily do able for you and not the end of the world as you can still drive to see them easily. Could you compromise halfway?

Although why not go for the one from 7+? That’s what I’d probably do.

I don't think you're unreasonable. Parents being an hour's drive away does mean they cannot assist you with child care at the drop of a hat but I assume you've taken all that into consideration.

If you have researched the area and the schools thoroughly and really believe it is the best option, go for it. Hopefully you and your little one will build up a support network and group of friends in the new location and you can always visit or invite over, parents at weekends and when you are having some time off. They might appreciate having somewhere different to go!

If your kids are bright, they will get good results even in an average school, OP. Intensive tutoring and support from top quality teachers are really only necessary to improve the grades of less able kids.
My two went to a bog standard state comprehensive - they got fistfuls of grade A Advanced Highers and degrees from Russell group uni’s. I must have saved thousands in private school fees.
I think your DH is right to want to remain near both your families and friends.

just send them private age 7

I hate commuting, it's dead time: you're asking your dh to add 30 mins on to his working day and to move away from family and friends for the sake of a couple of years at infant school.

it's weird because in your thread earlier today you said you were not in a position to move. what changed so dramatically in 2 and a half hours?

I think it depends on what you both think the wider impact would be on your lives and what you prioritise. We were able to move 20 minutes away so that we had a shorter commute but didn't lose anything by doing so. An hour might change some aspects of your lives that you are currently happy with.

No right or wrong. I hope you can come to an agreement you're both happy with.

Education is very important but so is family.

Perhaps it's just the way you've written the OP but you do sound a bit obsessed with education, rather than looking at the bigger picture.

I’d prob try & meet him half way - move half hour between schools & family?

What are your options if your children do not pass the exams for the grammars? Is the state/ private option that your children would be using in that instance better than the private option you have in your local area?

I can see a lot of potential resentment from your husband if you persuade him to do this and then your children don't get into the schools that were the reason for the move.

I know this is stating the obvious but I assume you have checked the schools in terms of their intake. If your local private is non selective it isn't going to get the headline scores of a selective school but that doesn't mean an able child won't get exactly the same results and opportunities.

Even if OP doesn't have to drive an hour the kids would have to drive an hour (either in OP's car or a bus) to get to school each way which I think is too much. Is there no middle ground? (e.g. only half an hour from DH's parents).

Honestly I'm kind of with you as an hour isn't too far to be from family.

If it's so important to DH to stay, is he then willing to do the drop offs and pick ups for school? I don't see why his commuting time is more important than yours tbh.

Your child is only 2, why are you twittering about school already?. I'm sure there are perfectly good schools closer to you. Private school isn't everything

Do not underestimate the benefits of having family close by while children are young. There are only 3 school years before 7+ entry, review your options nearer the time. If needs be you could move part way once your eldest is at that point.

I can see why you would say this based on my post. What I didn’t mention was that I don’t see us moving an hour away changing anything in terms of current contact with our families. I feel it is more a case of DH just wanting to be physically close due to his parents expectations

What changed was me wondering if the potential extra 20-30 minutes added to his journey, and the desperate need to be physically close to his family are actually reasons to rule out moving house.

Family is important. However my children are more important to me than other members of my family, and I’d be looking to improve their future as best I can.

An hour is bog all for the odd haunt tonsee family, much easier to do than a twice daily grind of the same length.

If you’re going to move house anyway, id definitely move to the area with better schools. Your kids come before your in laws!

I personally didn’t want to move more than the 15mins walk away from my parents as it’s important to me that I can call in on them daily if they need me to as they get older. I also love them being able to pick the kids up from school once a week for tea and that we can just call in at the weekends as I feel that’s a really special relationship. It’s meant moving to a slightly smaller house than we could afford if we moved further out. I know lots of people would think I’m mad! But everyone has different priorities. And luckily my DH (who grew up living next door to his own grandparents) didn’t feel strongly the other way. I suppose what’s important is that you and your DH can compromise and agree on the priorities that most suit your family as a whole.

Sorry but that post made my ovaries shrivel right up. He really sounds awful. I think you should try to insist or at least move half way. It's extremely abnormal for an adult to think the way your DH does unless they have some kind of mental health problem. I just don't have words and am struggling to get my head around a grown man who won't move an hour away so that his children can have a proper education at almost no personal cost.