Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding ExH shoddy care of dd

36 replies

Foldinglotus · 09/09/2018 19:30

Dd (11) has come home from yet another weekend with her dad absolutely stinking of body odour.

We were due to go shopping but I said she needed to shower first. She then started crying and told me that ExH doesn’t let her wear deodorant at his house! Dd (15) has confirmed this and added that he lets her wear deodorant but has been told he won’t buy it and she brings hers from home. Dd (11) also took hers with her and he took it away!

I don’t know what to do, I’m fed up of arguing with him regarding their care. He’s extremely EA and other categories and is probably doing this to get a rise. He moved in with his girlfriend recently and has refused to give me the address, doesn’t have a bed for either Dd so they sleep on sofas in the front room. Was feeding them takeaways for every meal and wasn’t changing their clothes, they slept in their clothes as he refused to provide clothes when having them for a whole week.

There’s no court order for contact but I’m really hesitant to stop as the girls love going.

I just really need advice.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 09/09/2018 19:35

Does he go through their bags to remove deodorant? How very weird! If he allows dd15 to have deodorant, can dd1 share? Why do they love going? I’d have thought they’d be dead set against going!

Original poster
Foldinglotus · 09/09/2018 19:49

He’s a total Disney dad, no rules, eat whatever they like, stay up late as they’re in the front room they go to bed whenever they like. They have fun there and they love him. Oldest knows I had to go to police last year about his behaviour and they gave him a warning.

He saw her about to use it and took it away, wouldn’t return it. When she came back she lied to me and just said she’d left it there. Breaks my heart she’s covering for him.

OP posts:
Jengnr · 09/09/2018 20:03

I think you need to stop contact and let him take you to court. Yes, it will be hard on your daughters but they are old enough to understand that ‘Dad might be fun but he isn’t looking after your properly so until he can you can’t go there for a while’

You’re not saying no, and you can tell him that too. But if he cba with basic care he needs someone he might listen to (like a court order) to show him.

At court you can tell the truth; you don’t object to contact at all but the children need certain assurances about their care. Deodorant and clean clothes are basics.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 09/09/2018 20:06

A judge would state you have the right to know where your dd's were. And they need a bedroom or he would get nil contact.
He is actually damaging your dd.
It's up to you to stop that ASAP.

Foodylicious · 09/09/2018 20:07

God that is awful.
Poor dd Sad

Not the point I know, but does she have a roll on or spray?
Maybe a scentless roll on he wont notice.

They also need more privacy than he is allowing/providing clearly.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 09/09/2018 20:22

Could they go for the day?

C0untDucku1a · 09/09/2018 20:42

Id also let him go to court

LouHotel · 09/09/2018 20:45

What the hell does he think he's doing? Why would he subject his daughter to ridicule. Does his girlfriend not think it's weird?

sexnotgender · 09/09/2018 20:46

WTF, why can’t she have deodorant? What an arse.

Nicknacky · 09/09/2018 20:47

Have you asked him about the deodorant issue?

NewYearNewMe18 · 09/09/2018 20:49

A judge would state you have the right to know where your dd's were. And they need a bedroom or he would get nil contact.

Don't talk rubbish. A judge cant order people to get bigger properties on a whim. Who would be paying for largely redundant rooms ?

LittleMe03 · 09/09/2018 20:49

I would stop over night contact and tell him exactly why!

SillySallySingsSongs · 09/09/2018 20:52

A judge would state you have the right to know where your dd's were

No they wouldn't.

Topseyt · 09/09/2018 20:54

He is an arse. Stop contact for now and tell him why.

Roomba · 09/09/2018 21:04

And they need a bedroom or he would get nil contact.

Yeah, that's not true at all. My friend's ex went back to court to try to reduce the time he had to have his DC (due to jealous new wife not liking them, basically). His excuse was that they didn't have room for them now due to their new baby Sad. The judge gave a very long Paddington Stare and said 'Absolute nonsense. They can sleep on the living room floor or on a sofa if needed - children love 'camping out''.

Cheeseandapple · 09/09/2018 21:06

Second what@Jengnr. It will be a good lesson about relationships - they shouldn't learn that they need to put up with bad treatment in order to be able to see there Dad. He needs to give them somewhere suitable to sleep, proper food to eat, keep hygiene up etc and once that's taken care of he can be fun Dad but he just sounds neglectful at the moment.

Booboostwo · 09/09/2018 21:06

None of this sounds ideal, far from it, but your DDs want to go so you have to be guided by that.

HotRocker · 09/09/2018 21:11

I would never send DS anywhere unless I knew exactly where he was. The fact that he won’t even let you have his new address is unacceptable. What about if one of them was upset or something happened, and he wouldn’t tell you where to come and fetch them? I would withdraw home contact for that.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 09/09/2018 21:15

Bloody hell op!
He refuses to give you the address so you don’t even know where your girls are?!
He refuses to ‘allow’ 11yo to use deodorant?!
Takeaway is not so shocking now and then but I would be concerned if they weren’t having a proper breakfast at least.
Sleeping on sofas and being left to go to ‘bed’ when they feel like it (in the lounge, probably watching tv) is not acceptable as a routine.
I agree that stopping overnight stays should be the first step.
He is clearly not geared up to have the girls to stay.
Also, he sounds like a right dick

Kindlethefourth · 09/09/2018 21:26

An 11 and 15 year old would surely know the address wouldn't they???

Kindlethefourth · 09/09/2018 21:29

And 'he refused to provide clothes' when they were there for a week. Why didn't they pack their own PJs?

Original poster
Foldinglotus · 09/09/2018 21:32

Thanks for all your responses, a bit of a mixed bag which reflects my feelings exactly. None of it is ‘ideal’ but is it enough collectively to stop contact when they want to go? I really don’t know.

Scentless roll on is a really good idea, I’ll suggest it to Dd but I do wonder whether she’ll be worried she gets caught with it and will cause her stress.

He had beds for them before he moved in with her, I’m so annoyed he’s done that tbh.

It’s just another thing in a really long list of shitty behaviour from him, the shadow he still casts on my life is unbelievable considering we split up years ago. He cannot let go even though he’s moved on with someone else. You wouldn’t believe the extent he’s gone to just to get at me if I told you. Now he’s doing it to our dds and I feel powerless to protect them. He would just take them anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foldinglotus · 09/09/2018 21:34

Kindle he told me he had the clothes there ready as they were there all week. He didn’t. Told me afterwards he gives me money (a pittance!) so it’s my job to provide their clothes.

OP posts:
Skyejuly · 09/09/2018 21:38

Oh gosh, simillar here. We have a court order but I don't have a right ti know where the children are when they are with him. X

Nicknacky · 09/09/2018 21:45

Have you asked him about the deodorant? It’s a very weird thing to remove from a person.

Swipe left for the next trending thread