AIBU regarding ExH shoddy care of dd

[Foldinglotus]

Dd (11) has come home from yet another weekend with her dad absolutely stinking of body odour.

We were due to go shopping but I said she needed to shower first. She then started crying and told me that ExH doesn’t let her wear deodorant at his house! Dd (15) has confirmed this and added that he lets her wear deodorant but has been told he won’t buy it and she brings hers from home. Dd (11) also took hers with her and he took it away!

I don’t know what to do, I’m fed up of arguing with him regarding their care. He’s extremely EA and other categories and is probably doing this to get a rise. He moved in with his girlfriend recently and has refused to give me the address, doesn’t have a bed for either Dd so they sleep on sofas in the front room. Was feeding them takeaways for every meal and wasn’t changing their clothes, they slept in their clothes as he refused to provide clothes when having them for a whole week.

There’s no court order for contact but I’m really hesitant to stop as the girls love going.

I just really need advice.

I haven’t asked him yet, no. I thought I’d gage opinions here before I make a move, I don’t trust my feelings where he’s concerned.

Dd only told me today so I’ve got 2 weeks to think about what I want to do before she goes again.

He loves them, they love him. If they're smelly put them in the shower.

I do think this sounds bad,the takeaways,not knowing where they are - but,she's 11. Surely she can wash,if she minds about the BO (which she obviously does,but not all the 11yr olds I know would).
Morning and evening - how bad would she get in between?

I don't get his objection to the deodorant if he lets eldest dd use it.
Most parents would be happy an 11 year old knew to use it and didn't need nagged or reminded.

That’s just weird OP. Is he going to confiscate sanitary protection too? Is this his way of refusing to accept your daughter is growing up? Sounds very odd to me.

I wondered the same thing about sanpro. I think you need to talk to him to understand exactly what his objection is to the deodorant.

According to Dd she’s too young for it! She hasn’t started her periods yet but she’s on her way. He doesn’t confiscate san pro but doesn’t provide it either which I also think is wrong but doesn’t cause me too much of a problem as I just send eldest with what she needs. I just want to make my children comfortable but he couldn’t care less.

He’s just not being a parent, doesn’t pay proper maintenance, he’s always short and I have to ask for it then it comes in instalments (although that’s being sorted through CMS) and drops them off late every time unless his beloved team are playing. The worst ever was 2 hours late on Mother’s Day.

Tell her to shower every day or at least wash under her arms with soap and she'll be fine without deodorant for a day or two (or she can put it on privately in the bathroom). At 11 she can take responsibility for regular washing even if (or specially because) her dad's an arse.

Sorry but that is abuse and neglect. You need to protect your d's and stop contact until he provides for their basic needs ie beds, personal care needs and clothes.

We have a similar issue so you have my deepest sympathy but for us it is my dscs mum that is the issue... Well her bf. The kids are only allowed to shower once a week... They come here mid week so can shower then but it terrifies me when dsd starts her periods that she won't be allowed to bathe daily. We have tried to challenge and meet a wall. We have tried to remove the kids (for this and other neglect issues) and we are currently looking into court options as negotiations haven't worked.

Keep fighting for your girls!

Have you seen the Sure deodrant that claims it lasts 48hours. Its pricey, about £5 but its good. I haven't tested it for 48hrs but I work 14hour shifts in a physically demanding job and i still smell fresh at the end. Failing that could you put a travel size roll on amongst an array of san pro?
Unlikely he'll route around to much in there.

The only other thing i could suggest is perhaps saying "I've packed DD some roll on, she needs it now she's hit puberty, her sister will remind her to put it on". Shame him into it?

All sounds very controlling and chaotic. Your daughters will appreciate the stable home life your trying to create for them in a little time when they're sick of chinese and freezing sleeping on the floor in the winter

It sounds horrible but as you at the girls love going. Can you look at getting a court order qith a list of things he must provide I.e. access to a daily shower and shower gel, shampoo, deodorant and sanitary protection. A small selection of clothes provided by him and kept at his house. How would he react to this? How often do they stay there?

As for the address I don't see why you can't ask the girls or even just use the GPS o their phones.