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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the death of a cat is not the same a parent

31 replies

ChoudeBruxelles · 09/09/2018 16:06

My friend now empathises with me over the loss of my parents because their dog sadly died.

They are bereft, devasted and unable to function properly and now understand how I felts when my parents passed away

It’s not the same and insulting to compare the two things

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 09/09/2018 16:08

Unsympathetic comment to say. But did you mean dog or cat? Not that it matters.

Original poster
ChoudeBruxelles · 09/09/2018 16:09

Dog. Sorry was talking to ds about cat at the same time of posting.

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 09/09/2018 16:12

Ok. Their feelings over their dog passing are not of course to be dismissed but to compare it to the loss of a parent and actually state it to someone in that position is staggeringly selfish.

endofthelinefinally · 09/09/2018 16:12

Tell me about it.
My stupid neighbour reckons he knows how I feel because his aunty's dog died. I lost my child.
Sorry for your loss OP. People can be horribly insensitive.
Flowers

IAmASunFlower · 09/09/2018 16:13

It’s not the same but potentially this friend hasn’t dealt with grief before and they still have both parents?

SpottingTheZebras · 09/09/2018 16:13

I’m pretty sure this exact scenario was the subject of an AIBU in the last couple of weeks.

Grief is not a competition. Some people have no relationship with their parents whereas others are very close. Some people are not particularly animal people whereas some only feel content with animals and not other humans. I’ve lost pets and I’ve lost family members, including my daughter. It’s all a horrible, horrible situation to be in.

I’m sorry for your loss, OP. Flowers

QuestionableMouse · 09/09/2018 16:14

Op do a search. This exact thread was posted very recently and it had a lot of very thoughtful replies.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 09/09/2018 16:15

You are right, there is no comparison, of course there isn't. But until I was in late 40's the worst loss I had experienced was the loss of my dog. I would never have presumed it compared to the loss of a loved family member but it was the worst grief I had experienced until the sudden early death of a very love family member who I was particularly close to.

All it means is that your friend has never experienced the loss of a person and is unable to comprehend the pain you are feeling. It doesn't mean that your friend doesn't care, just that he/she doesn't understand.

penisbeakers · 09/09/2018 16:16

It might not be to you, but it is to many people, me included. Losing my dog left me suicidal.

Ohluckyme · 09/09/2018 16:21

Grief is personal and not for anyone to compare. However my mum said she was just as sad when her cat died as when her dad died.

Blondie1993 · 09/09/2018 16:30

It’s thoughtless to say it out loud but I can understand what they mean. It will be three years this December since my dad passed away. He had cancer and it was horrible - he was only 51. My dog is getting on and has been ill over the past month or so - at one point I thought I would have to put him to sleep. It’s been just as horrible and it would probably be a hell of a lot harder than losing my dad because I would have to make the decision myself. Losing someone you love is so painful. It was a silly thing for your friend to say but when people are grieving for whatever reason, they don’t usually think straight.

Mrsnippycat · 09/09/2018 16:35

Have you offered any sympathy to your friend, OP? It's not a competition. Maybe it was a thoughtless thing to say but, having suffered bereavement yourself, you'll know that people aren't always as tactful as they may normally be. Obviously this is a significant loss for your friend, if you can then try to rise above what they said and be kind. They may well be kicking themself for what they said.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/09/2018 16:44

You can't generalise it though can you.
Some people aRe closer to their pets than they are to their family patents included.
I don't think for anyone to say what is comparable or even worse It's too personal

Stompythedinosaur · 09/09/2018 16:45

I'm going to be a lot more upset when ddog dies then I was my useless father died. Your grief isn't a competition.

Nikephorus · 09/09/2018 16:47

We've just had this thread..... And now we'll get all the same responses. Just go back and read the original thread.

CatchingACold · 09/09/2018 16:49

but for some people it is their only experience offering grief from loss. some people have never experienced the loss of a human but have felt grief over the loss of a pet. As they felt such grief over a pet they can then imagine the grief that you must felt.

Skarossinkplungerridesagain · 09/09/2018 16:51

Here we go again. Yes you win the grief competition. Well done.

slashlover · 09/09/2018 17:02

My cat is 11 and I'm dreading her going. I live alone and she's there when I get up in the morning and when I get home at night, she's sometimes my only reason for getting out of bed, she's been the one I've cried to when I'm feeling low.

It's not a competition.

Seryph · 09/09/2018 17:10

This literally just came up the other day OP.

Grief is not a competition. It really, really isn't. Just like comparing when in your life is worse to lose people, ie is it worse to lose grandparents when you are tiny, or when you are in your 20s?

Grief is different for ever person, and can be different each time. I'm 28, I was 22 before any of my grandparents died, though I reckon we've had about 18 funerals in the past 15 years or so. Some times I cry about some of my family still, some times I cry about my cats or dogs still.

That's called grief. I don't care if it is different for you. I'm sorry for your loss, but don't you dare try an lessen any of my losses because you don't understand them.

ThePinkOcelot · 09/09/2018 17:45

Wow, rude Skaross!!

No, it’s not a competition, but there really is no comparison in losing an animal to a parent, sibling etc. I presume, luckily for them, that they haven’t lost a parent. See how they compare it when they do.

ThePinkOcelot · 09/09/2018 17:47

And who gives a shite if it came up the other day?! Scroll on by if you don’t want to read again!!

9amtrain · 09/09/2018 18:44

Not comparable at all.

Someone I know compared the loss of his cat to me losing my baby niece.

zukiecat · 09/09/2018 18:56

I don't say this to offend anyone but I will be utterly heartbroken and distraught when any of my cats die

My vicious, abusive, toxic mother? Not a chance

SpoilsburyToastGirl · 09/09/2018 19:00

Grief is not a competition.

Whilst a pet is not a parent I have just lost my healthy 2 year old cat and it's no understatement to say I'm absolutely devastated. On the other hand I has e no meaningful relationship with my mother and haven't seen her for months.

Would I ever SAY to someone that my grief for my pet compares to their grief for a parent? Absolutely not!