To feel like my DHs Mates dislike me and that’s why they’ve not been here..

[Beargoesgrr]

It’s just something I’ve been thinking about lately.

DH has no mates, he works freelance so he doesn’t really get the opportunity to make friendships, he gets on well with people but moves on after a few months.

Since we got together he’s not really seen much of his mates, I’ve always felt that it was that I wasn’t their sort of person. Most of his mates went to university or were in decent careers, much unlike myself- I was pregnant when I left school. I was - maybe still am a bit common.

They met me a few times, I wasn’t ever offensive, usually pretty quiet. I was five years younger than most too.

At the time DH was going through money troubles which I know most people blamed on me- people assumed that he was skint because he was being taken for a ride by me, but the truth was he wasn’t paying anything at all towards the bills or anything else. Benefits were paying all my bills, and I was giving him money to help him out.

So it became quite clear I wasn’t invited to other get togethers, which was fine. I did realise that when one of the group got a new girlfriend they all went out for dinner with new GF (even when GF had previously slept with another member of the friendship group!) So anyway,

He stopped being invited out and he put it down to everyone being busy.

He called one, who didn’t answer the phone he kept getting his voicemail, he sent him a message and said “mate give me a call when you’ve got a few minutes spare!” He received a message back a few days later saying he was busy involved in a big project and he seemed irritated by him calling. So he replied, me and bear are getting married. I was going to ask for an address to send your invite to because we knew he had moved with his girlfriend He never heard back to that.

Other mates were sent invites, all received, but no reply to the wedding invite.

He’s recently got in touch with two of the old friends,

First one talks about how well he’s doing, his job, his gf, how much he’s enjoying life. Finishes up with are you still surviving doing bits and bobs? -when DH was close with him he was a builder and was flat out. So that seemed a bit off.

Next ones just had a baby. So he sends a message of congratulations, asks a few details about life. He replies to the questions, finishes up with, still married to her?

The last time that he heard from this particular friend he invited DH to a house party and said, you can have my room, you can share the bed with someone!

I don’t know why I’m thinking about it so much, but I’m feeling like it’s my fault that DH lost his mates and I’m beating myself up a bit about it.

I think they’re arseholes though to have let me get in the way of friendships that lasted for 10-15 years!

Seriously they sound awful! I wouldn’t give it a second thought or try to figure out why people behave like that. Your DH sounds like he’s better off without ‘friends’ like that.

Yikes well yes clearly for some reason they have something against you but real mates wouldn’t act like that to their friend/his partner. Are you sure your dh didn’t paint his skintness or anything else in a different light to his friends though.

They aren't reall friends, or at least not close ones. People do drift apart in friendships anyway, as their lives take different paths. The sad thing is that your DH doesn't seem to be making new friends.

As a matter of interest, do your friends like him?

badhairday
I’ve felt that way for quite some time, but DH hasn’t made friends since. I think it’s just caused some hurt that he recently reached out and the replies were what they were.

*chillipizza, thanks for confirming it sounds like the problem is me, I’ve long since felt that the issue was me, but also wondered if it might have been the change in his financial situation.... I don’t know what I did though! I was never rude, one was nice and said we should go stay with his parents and him when he was back home, and I made a point of saying that would be lovely, but if he wanted time with DH on his own I could stay home- being that I was the only one with a child, I didn’t want his mate to feel like because DH was with me I had to go everywhere too.

I don’t think that he would have, I mean maybe it’s possible... but I couldn’t imagine any sort of friend would leave their mate in that situation if they were in a financial state because of their new girlfriend... it was quite serious and DH was actually made bankrupt.

jaxhog that’s not one I expected! Yes most of my friends like him more than I do!

There was a time they weren’t as keen, when he was going through his financial issues, but generally people know him to be a hard working, reliable, kind sort of person. Hes an excellent father to my daughter (she’s 10 and we’ve been together 8 years -when her father stopped wanting to see her he stepped right in) and an excellent husband.

Has your husband ever expressed concern about the situation? Inwouldn worry too much, they sound quite unpleasant anyway

Bambamber Hes upset about it, he’s often talking about trying to get out to watch football, he says it’s a bit annoying as he doesn’t really want to go on his own, and he appreciates that we make an effort to go with him, but he says he knows we don’t enjoy it.

He would like someone else to talk to apart from myself, DD and his parents. He says all of us are reliant on him for something, he’d just like to chat to other men who understand the strain of supporting a family all with different needs.

He’s generally liked by people but it never gets past people liking him and the odd chat.

He’s quite pally with one of the men who lives up the street, who messages him about favours etc but they don’t hang out as such.

This is all weird.

lovetherisingsun
Why is it all weird?

Something else has gone on op for the majority of the friendship group to just stop bothering. Maybe you said something you didn’t realise caused offenders. Do the rest of the group still socialise together?

Do your friends who like him have partners or husbands? Get together and let him make friends with them? Have BBQ's together or meals out. Does he have, or could he get any hobbies? Invite the man up the street and his family around. I started some of my friendships up by simply inviting neighbours over for coffee/drinks.

snappedandfarted2018
I’ve no idea what I could have said, but I must have said something. I was on my best behaviour as I wanted them to like me, was still early days with DH, who I was convinced despite his financial problems at the time was way out of my league- he still is, but after 8 years he knows all there is to know.

I wonder if because DH has no other friends he considers these friends to be better friends than they consider him to be and the friendship has basically petered out? Even if you' d been awful when they met you, that wouldn't have stopped them meeting up with him on his own if they were good mates.

ironmanrocks most of my friends are single women, we have done couples dinners with a few of my friends, in fact Ive just sent a text to see if one couple fancy going out next Saturday evening for dinner.
Inviting the people from up the road is a good idea actually, I’ve never had a proper conversation with his wife, but she gives me the impression of being a really lovely person.

Does he have any hobbies, Bear?

Quite often new friendships are forged on common interests and, if a person has no interests out of work or home, it can be hard for new potential friends to find common ground.

If there is a sport he likes (or used to like) encourage him to join a club, particularly one that's known to have a social side to it ... many a friendship formed at the nineteenth hole or over a pint after a kick-about.

Encourage him to find out about peoples interests. If the man "who lives up the street, who messages him about favours" has a hobby that takes place out and about, perhaps you DH could express an interest in trying it, going with the neighbour sometime.

Extend your social circle to encompass his fledgling friendships. Using that same neighbour as an example, you could organise a barbecue or meal, inviting 'new' people ... so you could invite (with their spouses/partners) maybe one or two of your friends to break the ice, one or two neighbours you like the look of, and especially one or two local people with whom your DH has already formed a connection, like that man who lives up the street.

I imagine those old mates were snobs and a money focused and the combination of money troubles and a less posh gf made both of you undesirable. The weird thing is that your partner hasn't made any new friends. Why not?

They sound bloody awful.

I think there is a point in men’s lives where they do struggle make friends. His old friends sound dreadful. Try not to put too much energy into wondering why. It sounds like a cocktail of financial misfortune, snobbery and you being at a different life stage.
So start looking for some new ones. Activities and hobbies are a good way to start.

You sound lovely and his ex-friends not so much. I think a lot of people don't continue to hang out with the friends they had when they were at uni, especially once they have responsibilities, but I wouldn't worry too much about whether his mates liked you or not, they aren't worth the headspace.

redskylastnight
At the time I met DH the friend one who Was too busy to answer the phone was about his closest friend, he saw him maybe 3-4 times a week, at the time he used to pick the mate up, and they’d hang out at DHs parents- where he lived st the time, DH was taking him out and helping him learn to drive. The nights he didn’t see him, they played PlayStation games online at the same time. They were very close.

The others were seen every week or two, they were quite close, just they were a bit busier than the other friend.

They all still get together

I don't necessarily think it's anything in particular that you've done, perhaps more that the friendships have fizzled out. I know DH and I generally don't see as much of our old childhood friends. We're all at different stages in our lives, taken different paths and don't have quite as much in common anymore. Every time we catch up its more about reminiscing about old times than talking about life now.

It could just be a case of his friends put 2+2 together and got 20 when you started going out together if you started going out around the same time he had money problems. But at the end of the day, if you know that you've never stopped him from seeing his friends or never bad mouthed his friends, then nothing you could do would change the situation.

"At the time I met DH the friend one who Was too busy to answer the phone was about his closest friend, he saw him maybe 3-4 times a week, at the time he used to pick the mate up, and they’d hang out at DHs parents- where he lived st the time, DH was taking him out and helping him learn to drive. The nights he didn’t see him, they played PlayStation games online at the same time. They were very close."

It also sounds as if they were quite young at the time. It could simply be the huge changes that can occur in people and their outlook to life, as they go into proper adulthood.

You put yourself down too much OP, you sound a nice person and I doubt your husband is too good for you or that you are common.
These men are not his friends, they are associates or acquaintances at best. Often when people are having difficulties then friends tend to back off anyway as a lot of people don't want to get involved.
The best thing your OP can do is try to meet others to socialize with and forget about these people. Can he join any Sports clubs locally? or any interest groups?

I imagine those old mates were snobs and a money focused and the combination of money troubles and a less posh gf made both of you undesirable.

I don't see any evidence to support that in the OP's posts, though.

Far more likely to me is this suggestion from RedSky:

I wonder if because DH has no other friends he considers these friends to be better friends than they consider him to be and the friendship has basically petered out?

I'm not clear on the timeline of all this, OP. Are these old school/university friends of his, and how longstanding were these friendships when you came on the scene, and how long after that did he realise things had lapsed and start to make overtures? And when was his bankruptcy in relation to all of this?

It's something I see quite often with men -- not all men, and not just men, but I would say it's a more common male issue. They 'retreat' into a longterm relationships/domesticity/family, and don't put in the emotional gruntwork of maintaining friendships, especially if the friendships are individual, long distance or aren't some kind of undemanding, very local 'meet on Tuesday in a pub five feet from home' kind of thing.

Might not the case here, but it's possible. Also, OP, you sound very down on yourself -- do you genuinely think of yourself as 'too common' for this group, and did you genuinely think your now-DH was 'out of your league'?

What a self absorbed bunch of self indulgent pricks they sound OP... maybe you don't fit into that group because none of his Mates have slept with you.. unlike their GF's... Your both way better off without them.. block them all and don't look back