To feel like my DHs Mates dislike me and that’s why they’ve not been here..

[Beargoesgrr]

It’s just something I’ve been thinking about lately.

DH has no mates, he works freelance so he doesn’t really get the opportunity to make friendships, he gets on well with people but moves on after a few months.

Since we got together he’s not really seen much of his mates, I’ve always felt that it was that I wasn’t their sort of person. Most of his mates went to university or were in decent careers, much unlike myself- I was pregnant when I left school. I was - maybe still am a bit common.

They met me a few times, I wasn’t ever offensive, usually pretty quiet. I was five years younger than most too.

At the time DH was going through money troubles which I know most people blamed on me- people assumed that he was skint because he was being taken for a ride by me, but the truth was he wasn’t paying anything at all towards the bills or anything else. Benefits were paying all my bills, and I was giving him money to help him out.

So it became quite clear I wasn’t invited to other get togethers, which was fine. I did realise that when one of the group got a new girlfriend they all went out for dinner with new GF (even when GF had previously slept with another member of the friendship group!) So anyway,

He stopped being invited out and he put it down to everyone being busy.

He called one, who didn’t answer the phone he kept getting his voicemail, he sent him a message and said “mate give me a call when you’ve got a few minutes spare!” He received a message back a few days later saying he was busy involved in a big project and he seemed irritated by him calling. So he replied, me and bear are getting married. I was going to ask for an address to send your invite to because we knew he had moved with his girlfriend He never heard back to that.

Other mates were sent invites, all received, but no reply to the wedding invite.

He’s recently got in touch with two of the old friends,

First one talks about how well he’s doing, his job, his gf, how much he’s enjoying life. Finishes up with are you still surviving doing bits and bobs? -when DH was close with him he was a builder and was flat out. So that seemed a bit off.

Next ones just had a baby. So he sends a message of congratulations, asks a few details about life. He replies to the questions, finishes up with, still married to her?

The last time that he heard from this particular friend he invited DH to a house party and said, you can have my room, you can share the bed with someone!

I don’t know why I’m thinking about it so much, but I’m feeling like it’s my fault that DH lost his mates and I’m beating myself up a bit about it.

I think they’re arseholes though to have let me get in the way of friendships that lasted for 10-15 years!

It also sounds as if they were quite young at the time. It could simply be the huge changes that can occur in people and their outlook to life, as they go into proper adulthood.

That sounds plausible, too.

If OP is five years younger though they would have likely been 21 +

I think you're just not their kind of person. They see you as common and by their friend getting into debt they assumed that it was related to you. They may have heard about a few arguments you've had and then built this picture up of you.

You're partner didn't dispel this opinion of you so they continued it. Then they heard you were getting married and knew it would be a permanent fixture so decided to cut DH out too.

Or perhaps it's because you didn't shag them all.

Either way, your DH is well rid of shallow friends like that.

Oh gosh, sorry lots to keep up with.

DH and his pals were all 25/26 at that point, they were both still at home with parents because DH tells me he had no reason to leave, home was quite comfortable, costs were small and if he left home he would’ve been on his own- I was DHs first serious girlfriend, the pal went home after university.

Most of the friendship group were friends he had from the age of 5 when they started school, a few were friends from the age of 11 or so.

The financial issues were starting to happen just before we met, though these didn’t become as noticeable until maybe 6/7 months into our relationship. If even then. I know about 18 months into our relationship he did meet up with one who gave him an old phone and told him to sort himself out and according to DH said he would lose me and DD too if he didn’t, as i needed someone financially stable being a mum.

Sorry, I’m not being down on myself, I come from a very different background, my family are very Jeremy Kyle, childhood was rough, I faced a lot of abuse and I left home at 16 because my mum no longer got benefits for me. On the other hand my DH was brought up well by his parents and he had been supported in going to college and learning to drive, and was still able to be at home at the age of 25, just different sorts of people. I couldn’t believe that he was with me. Even now people who don’t know us express shock that he and I are together.

To be fair, I don’t think that it was that I didn’t sleep with them.

Maybe You’re right that they just assumed and heard about some arguments and formed a Less than glorious opinion of me and just cut him out because of it.

I think it's much more likely they were frightened off by the bankruptcy.

People possibly more so men, almost think it contagious

Middle aged men often struggle with making new friends. Can you help him my making friends with couples?

You are not ' too common' OP, anyone who thinks like that is not worth the trouble of your mind.

Bear I don't think they perceive you as 'common', that's a horrible term that women seem to reserve for other women. Men generally, in my experience, are not this vapid and devoid.

I think RedSky's explanation is very plausible. It could also be that perhaps they don't support the same football team? Or that they (the mates) have nothing to talk about particularly and if there aren't similar interests in common then there's no reason to meet up?

They don't sound good mates for your husband though. A good mate doesn't behave this way regardless of the woman their friend is with. You've done everything right, you sound nice and very considerate - this is about your husband.

I would suggest that he bites the bullet, goes to the pub on his own to watch football and have a pint - and sees what happens. Perhaps he will find some new mates there but, if he doesn't, then he may still have a nice evening and more importantly - you will be able to let go of this notion that his ex-mates' fickleness is anything to do with you; it's not.

If your husband is shy, do you think the partners of your own friends would meet up with him now and again? Introduce him to other mates they have? Bolster his confidence a bit?

A lot of people change friendship groups every 5-7 years as circumstances change.

I would recommend your husband starts a hobby.

I don't think that watching football in a pub is a particularly friendly environment - lots of strong opinions combined with alcohol. So either watch alone or go with acquaintance - there are plenty of men who would be delighted to have an excuse to combine beer and football.

They don't sound like friends. They sound like unpleasant snobs.

To be fair, I don’t think that it was that I didn’t sleep with them

Sorry OP I was being facetious about them

If DH’s friends liked him and wanted to see him, they would. Irrespective of who he’s married to.

Even if they didn’t like you they would still see him - men are just like that. They don’t really care who their friends are married to, as long as you’re not loud and obnoxius and dominate an evening - which you clearly aren’t. And even if you were they would just see him without you for boys’ nights out.

People grow up and grow apart. He just needs to make a new group of friends.

Stop blaming yourself, women always do.

Frankly their attitude towards his wedding invites is enough to say that they are not people your DH needs in his life anymore. Both you and your DH sound like very kind and thoughtful people, I get the impression that his friends are not.