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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hes not paying mortgage

62 replies

Needallthehelp · 09/09/2018 12:22

Ok. ExH moved out 20 months ago. And since then ive been paying the £1100 pm mortgage. Yes hes given me child maintenance but hasnt contributed towards the mortgage at all. He lives miles away now and pays virtually nothing in rent.

We are getting divorced and the house has been on the market a year with no luck and has now reduced 40k in value. However he wont actually allow me to reduce the price of the house?! Hence it's not selling.

Mean while hes still entitled to 50% of the equity when its sold! So although hes giving me child maintenance i feel that im pretty much a savings account for him as hes going to be getting his money back! If that makes sense.

My solicitor said id have to get permission to move out and rent somewhere cheaper.

But i dont see why i cant just move out too and leave the house empty? That way we would both have to pay for the mortgage. Or at least come to an agreement about the price? Or even let the courts take it? But then id probably never get a mortgage if i suddenly stop paying! I feel totally trapped in a house im scraping by to afford to live here.

I know it sounds drastic for me to consider this but am i being unreasonable? And any advice would be great

OP posts:
ResistanceIsNecessary · 09/09/2018 13:01

Oh and 50% of the house and only giving 1/3 of his pension? Let me guess, he was the main earner and your career took a backseat because of the kids? You definitely need a bloody good solicitor.

Bluelady · 09/09/2018 13:03

Start screwing him over right back. Get a new go for the jugular solicitor, take every penny you can from his pension, you could easily get more than 50% of the property (my husband's ex did) and take him to the cleaners. I wouldn't normally advocate that but he's sitting up and begging for it.

Huskylover1 · 09/09/2018 13:10

He has an old style civil service pension too that he doesnt want me to touch. Hes fighting to give me a 1/3 and nothing more

Who gives a shiny shit what he wants? Honestly, you have to toughen up here. He doesn't get to dictate. You are entitled to 50% (apportioned to the period of the marriage). You get it valued now, and take that amount out of the sale proceeds of the house.

I feel like this guy is trying to screw me over big style. After 17 years you think you know someone dont you! He was also the ome that caused the marriage to fall apart

SNAP. We were together 20 years and married for 17. Once the marriage was over, he turned in to a prize cunt and would have screwed me over financially, had I stood for it. Goodness knows how they sleep at night. My Dad told me that once I walked, Ex wouldn't be my friend, and boy was he right.

Stop dancing to his tune. He does not get to make these decisions. He wants to only give you a 3rd of his Pension, sheesh, I want a milliod quid, but as that old saying goes, "I want doesn't get".

Huskylover1 · 09/09/2018 13:11

*million

Huskylover1 · 09/09/2018 13:12

And did you take a career break/change career, to free up time to care for kids? If so, you get extra in the settlement for that. ££££

Gilead · 09/09/2018 13:17

For goodness sake get yourself a new solicitor, yours is not doing their best for you. New solicitor and court ordered sale. New solicitor should ensure you get more than 50% if you have dc. 50% is a starting point for negotiations, not a bald fact from which there is no movement.

Original poster
Needallthehelp · 09/09/2018 13:21

Ok. Tomorrow im on the solicitor hunt then. I've already complained to them that i dont feel they are working in my favour and are just not bothered.

I feel ive tried to be reasonable with him but hes just to accepting anything

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 09/09/2018 13:27

Looking at the mortgage from the other side, if the house is now worth £200k, and mortgage is £100k, equity is £50k each. The absent partners equity is still tied up in the house, they can't use that to buy another one, so in effect it is increasing in value over the years. If the house sells 10 years hence, they are then entitled to whatever that £50k is now worth. So if house prices have increased by 20% in that time, they will be entitled to £60k.

VladmirsPoutine · 09/09/2018 13:28

I think you also need to stop wanting him to be reasonable. That ship has sailed. You need a new lawyer who is going to work in your best interest. From my cursory knowledge he is entitled to half but you are currently caught between a rock and a hard place because he knows you will pay the mortgage regardless. In the eyes of the lender it doesn't matter who pays it as long as it's payed so you're currently keeping that afloat to your detriment. So you're right - he's just waiting to strike once you've payed for everything. Get a new lawyer.

Huskylover1 · 09/09/2018 13:28

I'd opt for a female sol.

Veganfortheanimals · 09/09/2018 13:38

My friend was in this exact situation ,and he ex got half ,there was no wiggle room at all .very unfair indeed

Bluelady · 09/09/2018 13:39

A female solicitor is an excellent idea. You need a Rottweiler in lipstick.

Ellisandra · 09/09/2018 13:40

Suggesting a female solicitor is sexist and offensive.
How would you feel about someone suggesting a man because a woman won’t do a goodjob? Hmm
Ridiculous Hmm
Might as well say look for a man because they’re tough and have balls and cut good deals, whilst women are a bit weak and compromise to easily.

Find a GOOD solicitor - and don’t write off half the profession if you don’t want to make that search harder!

Bluelady · 09/09/2018 13:46

A woman's more likely to have the balls in this situation. Nothing sexier about that.

Ellisandra · 09/09/2018 13:53

Why?
Why is a woman more likely to have balls in this situation?
Why will a male solicitor not be equally professional, knowledgeable, experienced and committed?
Absolutely sexist bullshit.
On behalf of our fathers, sons, brothers etc I am calling you on that crap.
Also on behalf of our daughters. Because whilst we let bullshit sexism against men go unchallenged, it means we create an environment where sexism of any kind is acceptable.
OP will be able to find a good solicitor among males or females - but restricting herself to looking for a female is going to reduce her options.

My female divorce solicitor was a wet lettuce incidentally, who I corrected on one very important factual error, and whose paperwork was riddled with errors. Not because she was a woman - because she was shit.

Jaxhog · 09/09/2018 13:58

Doesn't matter whether it's a male or female solicitor, as long as they are your rottweiller.

Bluelady · 09/09/2018 14:02

OK, challenge away. Ranting at me won't change my mind.

sprinklesandsauce · 09/09/2018 14:03

I saw two solicitors when I needed initial advice, one female, one male. I went with the male one as I got a better vibe from him, although he was quite old fashioned and quirky.

He advised that 50/50 was the starting position, and that I was more likely to get more than that as I had the DC residing with me, so maybe 60/40 or even 70/30.

He also advised to divorce asap to "get him while he is feeling guilty". Wise words indeed.

Allergictoironing · 09/09/2018 14:04

Re the Civil Service pension, I knew someone who was in a similar situation (except reversed, she was the earner & Civil Servant). She didn't try to fight how much of her pension he got, and he received 40% (I think based on the number of her married years while employed by them). So how much you get may well depend on how many years you were married to him while he worked in that job vs how many years he was in the job before you got married IYSWIM.

Everytimeref · 09/09/2018 14:05

The reason why he doesn't have to pay half of mortgage is because if he did he could then expect you to pay rent on his half so you are paying all the mortgage in lieu of rent.
Whether he would get 50% of the equity will depend on the whole financial situation.

If he won't agree to reducing the price so property sales you will have to go to court and get permission from a judge.

Aridane · 09/09/2018 14:06

What utter crap

VladmirsPoutine · 09/09/2018 14:21

Oh FFS! The sex, or rather gender (as is now the theme du jour) of a lawyer does not matter. All that matters is that they know their shit. Can we please stop this race to the bottom.

MrsMoastyToasty · 09/09/2018 14:29

It might be worth reminding him that if you also stop paying the mortgage then it will be in arrears and not only would it affects your creditworthiness it would also affect his...

user1492863869 · 09/09/2018 14:30

OP, I'm a bit concerned that you are confusing two issues here and the advice being offered by your solicitor. Although they are connected there might be a subtle difference in the information you are receiving from your solicitor in relation to two different situations. It's not that easy to advise you because you have only provided some of the information on here about your situation. Because of that people may be making assumptions about the quality of your solicitor's advice.

As I see there are 2 situations that you are receiving advice about;

  1. The current sale of the marital home which is in progress at the moment and you obligations under your mortgage agreement and which you both half own until you reach a financial settlement
  2. Your future financial entitlement yet to be agreed as part a divorce settlement and therefore unknown at this time.

At the moment you and your Ex(but i assume you are not yet divorced) jointly own the home and are jointly responsible for the mortgage. On that basis he has a say in the sale price even if he is being deliberately difficult about it. Basically you need his agreement to market and sell at a given price, unless you get a court order to override his unreasonable behaviour.

Unfortunately you are both liable for the mortgage payments & the lender will have lent you both the money on the basis that one or other of you pay in full. They don't risk the situation of one not paying half etc when they lend and don't care who does or doesn't pay. Your Ex is playing "chicken" with you and assuming you will protect your credit rating & home by continuing to pay. He is trying to put you under pressure so you will concede to his other demands. Speak to your lender and ask what they can do for you. As others have suggested a break from payments or maybe going interest only for a while until it sells.

His behaviour should be noted and challenged by your solicitor as it will go against him in the long run. The judge won't take kindly to the way he is trying to pressurise you and putting your home and financial position at risk. Get your current or future solicitor to challenge his refusal to compromise on the price and contribute to the mortgage if it is completely unreasonable.

As for what he is asking for under the divorce settlement, it could and probably is ridiculous. We don't know. Your circumstances may be such that he could get 50% equity and keep most of his pension. However if you earn less than him, have sacrificed a career or job to raise the children and have a limited pension / savings then I would think you are going to get more than 50% equity and more than 1/3 of his pension. Again his bombastic and bullying stance will do him no favours.

But what he will get in the future doesn't mean he doesn't currently have a 50% stake in the house at the moment.

Of course change solicitors if they are not explaining things properly but this might be an unnecessary cost to you. If you have a friend with a cool head and good grasp of things, they could accompany you on appointments and help with working out things. I'm not saying you are aren't capable of this, just that whilst you are under stress and in an emotional state you won't always take things in.

VanGoghsDog · 09/09/2018 14:49

See if the mortgage co would let you move to interest only while you're trying to sell?