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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remain friends with this mum even though her DD slept with my DD’s BF?

34 replies

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 08/09/2018 21:39

DD is an older teen. DD has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for 18 months, sexual (from what she has told me) for the last 3 months, stayed at his house, met his parents etc.

She has a “friend”from school that is not so friendly anymore but because they were friends in junior school and through senior school I became friends with her friends mum. Occasionally drinks out, Fb friends etc.

It’s come to light over the last couple of days that DD friend has slept with DD’s BF, he has dumped DD and is now with her not so close friend.

DD is heartbroken. I understand he had the commitment to DD but this friend, I can’t help think girl code.

I need to stay out of it all and just be grateful DD talks to me don’t I?

I’m wondering if I should get in touch with my mum friend and say hi to show I’m happy to keep out of all of it or see how it goes seeing how her DD has slept with my DDs boyfriend and left her heartbroken?

I’m just venting on here, never had a heartbroken daughter before (sad)

OP posts:
Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 08/09/2018 22:11

DDs friend is now posting all over social media about date night tonight...

OP posts:
sue51 · 08/09/2018 22:20

Stay out of it. Sounds like the friendship was more or less over before the boyfriend took up with this girl. He doesn't sound very nice at all so stress to DD that she will get over this and will find someone much better him.

Pringlecat · 08/09/2018 22:27

If they're sleeping together, they must all be adults, so you can't really blame your friend for her shitty DD's shitty behaviour.

I would still see her, but not at her house, i.e. I would actively avoid her DD out of loyalty for your own. I'm with you on girl code. You can stay friends with the mum whilst subtly avoiding her DD - you don't have to make a big deal about it.

Frlrlrubert · 08/09/2018 22:27

I'd support DD but stay out of it otherwise. Keep normal levels of contact with the mum, not mention it. If she does I'd say I want to discuss and I see our friendship as separate from theirs.

Thanks for your DD, my first heartbreak changed who I am, it's hard.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 08/09/2018 22:29

I think the friend really needs to be making the first move. I would be mortified....

garethsouthgatesmrs · 08/09/2018 22:29

I wouldn't get in contact with the other girl's mum. Just leave it. The friendship might fade out but dd is more important

Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 08/09/2018 22:36

I didn’t think about it from mum friend point of view although her DD has done this before to other “friends” she has a rep for it.

OP posts:
CripsSandwiches · 08/09/2018 22:42

Definitely don't approach this girl's mum or do anything at all other than comfort your DD. It's horrible for DD and by extension you but really there's nothing you can do other than be there for DD and let time do it's thing. It's great she feels comfortable talking to you and she isn't dealing with it on her own.

tickingthebox · 08/09/2018 22:44

The usual mumsnet reminder is that it's not OW at fault it's the BF who was with your DD and he who cheated on her....

The usual way of the world is that often OW is told the relationship is over....

Your friends daughter (who is getting a reputation) may just be gullible.

The only person your daughter should blame is her boyfriend.

Byebyebye · 08/09/2018 22:47

I would stay out of it no confrontation etc but I would drop your friend.

Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 08/09/2018 22:48

Only on here would I say, I hate them all for putting DD through this, I know he is mainly to blame, but... WTF! Nasty little women.

My DDis heartbroken and he and her are posting all Over social media about dates nights.

How am i meant to ramain civiil with the mum!?

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 08/09/2018 22:50

I wouldn’t say anything to your friend about it. Let the dust settle.

As a pp has already said, she’s probably horrified at her daughter’s behaviour.

Alpacanorange · 08/09/2018 22:52

Keep your distance from the mum for now, your dd needs your support and understanding.

SemperIdem · 08/09/2018 22:53

Why wouldn’t you remain civil with the mother though?

Do you really think it likely she’s encouraged her daughters actions or was even aware before it happened? I assume we’re talking 6th form age teens here?

It’s entirely natural for you to feel hurt and angry on your daughters behalf. I hope she feels better and stronger soon Flowers

Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 08/09/2018 23:02

Beacause her DD slept with my DDs boyfriend,
Girl code.
You have a point, she might not know.

Three can’t be a girl code but not a guy code... surely?

OP posts:
stripeswitheverything · 08/09/2018 23:04

Your daughter needs your support way more than you need your friend.

SemperIdem · 08/09/2018 23:08

Daily

I don’t believe in “girl code” so to speak - but I do believe in not treating people like shit. And your daughter has been, I really do feel for her.

I remember an incident in my late (6th form age teens), purely friend rather than boyfriend related, which left my mum as angry as she was upset on my behalf.

Now I think about it, she never did bother with faux social niceties with my friends (who I forgave at the time but speak to none of now) parents thereafter.

Support your daughter and help her come out of this in a dignified glory, whilst letting her cry on your shoulder as much as she needs at home.

TheBeatGoesOnandOn · 08/09/2018 23:17

If she's done this before the Mum is probably at very least not condemning her behaviour, otherwise she'd have been on the phone saying she's gutted and she's so sorry.

They both sound like nasty little guts and as she's like it and so is he they'll do the same to each other.

If he tries it on with your daughter tell her to tell him to duck off. He might very well do this.

I'm sure DDs other friends are probably at the very least rolling their eyes at this.

TheBeatGoesOnandOn · 08/09/2018 23:19

Guts = gits

LotsToThinkOf · 08/09/2018 23:23

tickingthebox her friend knew she was in a relationship with him. I'd absolutely blame her and him in this situation. If your single friend had sex with your DP are you saying you wouldn't hold both of them equally responsible for disrespecting their relationship with you? I'd never speak to either of them again.

OP, I'd remain friendly to the mum but I'd cool the friendship a bit. If she comes to you to speak about it and doesn't condone the daughter's behaviour then maybe things would improve but not until that conversation had happened.

Don't approach her.

lowtide · 08/09/2018 23:30

THANK GOD
she slept with him, your dd is young and resilient and doesn't need this friend and certainly doesn't need this man, fucking hard lesson to learn, but learning it young isn't a bad thing.
Life's a cunt a lot of the time, but at least she didnt have 3 kids and a mortgage and a sacraficed career.
The only thing you can teach her from here is boundaries and never letting some fools fuck you over.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 08/09/2018 23:32

Hmmm, I'm in two minds about this one.

Your DD needs to come first, but at some point, she's likely to meet someone new and won't be as bothered about her ex-bf/ex-friend anymore.

Your friendship with the other Mum, however, might be a solid friendship that lasts for years - and you're entitled to have that.

I'd avoid making any plans to meet up with your friend until your DD is feeling better, and then see how you feel about your friend. She may not even be fully aware of what's happened (e.g. her DD could've told her that your DD and her BF had split up before she got together with him).

For context, I'm close friends with a Mum whom I met through DD's preschool. Our DD's (both 13) can't stand each other! I know this is a different scenario, but we're all individuals and have our own friendships.

Theimpossiblegirl · 08/09/2018 23:32

The other mother may not have a clue about the situation, it's not fair to blame her or end the friendship, maybe keep a distance until you are less angry. It's shitty for your daughter but she can cut them off and hold her head high, she'll meet better people.

lowtide · 08/09/2018 23:32

and I mean thank god! because she's found out who he is early on! not 10 years down the line.
and I can't see how her mother has anything to do with it, you don't know what she has said to her own daughter.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/09/2018 23:55

How do you know her mother knows anything about this? I think if you are friends you can remain friends but cool it for a while. It sounds as if your dd would benefit from switching off social media for a while.