to ask if anyone has a shit relationship with their mum AND with their daughter?

[oleannasbluemask]

Or is it just me?

Feels like a uniquely shit situation to be in. I am NC with my mum for the past few years, after years of horrible emotional abuse. Ironically, the trigger was the fact that she had started being unkind about DD1 that pushed me over the edge, though DD1 doesn't know this.

I was honest with DD1 about why me and her grandmother do not talk any more, ie that my mum was very abusive, which was a mistake. Since she became a teenager, DD1 has been extremely difficult. Severe verbal abuse and occasional physical abuse to me and her dad. Relentless nastiness, including pages of abusive emails telling me how shit I am, how I am just as bad as my mum (she knows where to hit me where it hurts). One highlight included her saying that I am no better than a 'bitch on the street'. She moved out last year - she is 22 now - but comes home occasionally. When she does she will pick a fight over nothing. For example she came on holiday with us this summer and was spoiling for a fight from day 1, by day 2 said she was leaving as I 'obviously didn't want her there', made a big show of packing her bags which was very disruptive for the other DCS, and basically ruined the whole week. I did want her there but was extremely tense as she is always on the look out for an argument so I am always very careful about what I say. By the end of the holiday she was being utterly vile, I was starting a new job the next day and she told me she hoped it went really badly and ranted about what a terrible crap mum I am. I spent the first day of my new job fighting tears. At that point I snapped and told her I had simply had enough, that I love her but that my mental (and physical - blood pressure was through the roof) health could not take any more.

We have not spoken since, though DH sent her an email asking her to send a card to an unwell relative and she sent an extremely rude reply saying she did not have time and not to email her and that no one sends letters anyway.

When she was growing up we tried EVERYTHING. Time together just me and her, counselling (she throws that back in my face now and says it was abusive of me to make her go to counselling when it was only every something we suggested, she refused to go back after two sessions), supporting her as much as we could.

I have other DCs with whom I have a great relationship and because of the shit way my mum treated me have always tried so hard to be a good mum, it cuts me to the bone when DD1 tells me I am actually an awful mother.

I just wondered if anyone else is in this crap position of being NC with mum and a toxic relationship with DD.

Bumping.... Probably just me though.

I am really sorry you are going through this.

What I can say is that at 22 I was an absolute arse to my DM (and it went on from 15yo) by the time I reached my early twenties I knew everything and Dm knew nothing. I was horrible to her and we reached a peak similar to yourself and I walked out, didn’t speak to her for 6 weeks.

We eventually worked it out but it took time and her just stepping back from me and making me make my own mistakes (which I did).

12 years on we are much much better.

She had a horrible mother and did her best not to be like her. She was nothing like that but there were still traits that came through. She brought us up saying she loved us but her actions didn’t always show that (compared to other parents she was very chilled about stuff, let us be independent). This impacted in other ways (still does) because she thinks we’re independent so chooses not to check up on us. Of all people to see you at your worse, is your DM, but mine just doesn’t seem to be that bothered unless I reach out to her IYSWIM?

No advice as such, but don’t write her off. It is salvageable. Just make her aware you are there, and you’ll love her.

Thank you IAm. I do hold out hope that one day things might be ok between me and DD. She is just so vicious towards me at the moment though, it’s hard to imagine how.

I am in the same position. No advice, just wanted to let you know you are not alone 💐

Oh OP that sounds awful. I don't really have any advice sorry. It sounds like you have done your best to be a good and loving parent, and that's all you can do. All I can suggest is that some teens / young adults are just rather selfish and unpleasant, especially to their families, despite their families being loving. It may be that it's just how she is for now. It must be doubly hard with your experience with your mum, but it's not necessarily anything you've done. I think you're on the right track with telling her you love her but that her behaviour is unacceptable. Maybe now she's 22 you need to accept that you can't change her and it's not your "fault" if she decides to be horrible, nor your responsibility to try and fix her.

Does she speak to your mum? Is she sad she didn't have relations with her? Just wondering what the trigger was

Thank you xx

Yes she does speak to my mum sometimes but has said a few years back she didn’t really like her company as Gran was always being nasty about people and flagging them off.

Slagging then off!

Can you try and objectively say what you think she would say went wrong with your relationship?

I’m nc with dm.

DD I don’t have as close a relationship with as ds. I want to be closer to her but I don’t know if it’s we’re so different or it’s because I don’t know how to have a functional mother daughter relationship because I never saw it!!

Sometimes what we really hate in our parents is the bit we know we have in us as well. That could relate down to your daughter or up to your mum.

Objectively I would say that DD is very possessive of me and jealous of her siblings, though I try to give them all equal attention and remind her she had me all to herself for years unlike other DCs. Other than that I’m not sure. I think she takes a lot of anger out on me as I’m the closest person to her. I also think I’ve let her away with too much as I feared her anger and monumental tantrums that left us all reeling.

I agree with PPs about not giving up hope about your daughter. She sounds quite immature for 22, so perhaps if you give her some space with periodic reminders you’re there and you love her a lot, she’ll come round.
I mean this really nicely, but have you maybe been a bit smothering in the past, understandably given what happened with your mum? Just that a holiday sounds a bit intense at her age, especially when things are a bit rocky. My mum is lovely but I haven’t been on holiday with her since I was 14 cos I’d want to kill her after about eight hours! I had horribly low self esteem as a teen/young woman and I found her love a bit suffocating, could it be that your DD feels a bit unworthy and struggles being in that mum/daughter space? I’m close to my mum now but still find it really hard to be affectionate with her, no idea why.
Not that that’s any help! It must be very hard for you though, I hope you have a breakthrough soon. Hang in there x

Op, this sounds utterly horrendous.

Objectively, she is 22, she's a grown woman now. Just because she is flesh and blood, doesn't make it ok for her to behave like this at all.

Sounds like she needs levelling with. Mothering her behaviour isn't working, I think a bit of honesty is needed. She needs to be told that what she is doing hurts. That she is cruel, and spiteful, and she is deeply hurting you. That you no longer wish to be spoken to like this, and you will ignore any nasty behaviour.
If she wants to have a relationship with you as mother and daughter, she needs to change her attitude.

She will probably go NC whilst she stews over it, but she will come to her senses, because frankly, she needs to grow up.

I also think your husband needs to intervene here also.

Sorry OP. I was a bitch to my mum. It all changed when I had kids of my own and grew up.

Op, in the most gentle of ways, your DD may have a personality disorder. It sounds like she holds you entirely responsible for any of her hard to deal with emotions. She sounds as if she needs professional help- but is so defended it's unlikely a conversation you could have at present. Sounds very tough and like you are doing your utmost as a family to support her.

I’m here

My dd is 13 and has now gone to live with my mother. I cry. A lot, but have 3 lovely younger children.

My mother now rings them direct to see them and it kills me....I can’t work out where I went wrong.

You're not alone. My relationship with my mother is totally fake and she had shocked me with her lack of consideration for my feelings. I wasn't ''conscious'' of the fact that my voice wasn't heard growing up, only really got insight in to it all when I left my x. My daughter is very critical of me. She also picks fights over nothing. I am trying to improve the relationship with my daughter of course. Maybe it's her age. I try. It could be so much better.

My mum is lovely but I haven’t been on holiday with her since I was 14 cos I’d want to kill her after about eight hours! I had horribly low self esteem as a teen/young woman and I found her love a bit suffocating, could it be that your DD feels a bit unworthy and struggles being in that mum/daughter space? I’m close to my mum now but still find it really hard to be affectionate with her, no idea why

@notplumalan I can really relate to this. Still can't show much affection to my DM and no idea why

Wow, I could have written this except DD is 21 and we don't get emails as she's still living at home. I'm also NC with my mother for similar reasons to you and because she started on my DC.

I actually told DD to pack her bags and get the hell out of my house on Tuesday when she went off on one after I didn't book her a ticket for day out which she said she didn't want to come on 10 minutes earlier so apparently all I cared about what her brothers not her! It was nasty. She throws back everything at me that I've shared regarding previous relationships, friendships, jobs etc, shared to help her deal with stuff she needed help dealing with. She has told me that's it's no wonder my mother abused me and my siblings hate me. She has even told me that I let her sister die . DD2 died at birth, when DD1 was 4 and overjoyed to be getting a sister, and we didn't do enough to save her apparently. We went on to have 3 boys.

She has embarrassed me in front of friends, says a lot of stuff in front of her siblings, tells me to fuck off etc, but will also come up and hug me randomly.

I have always been very protective, tactile and eager to please my DC due to my own childhood and losing a child. DD has always played on this.

After Tuesday's blow up when I told I couldn't cope with her being under the same roof anymore, she wrote me a 4 page letter saying she can't believe the way she speaks to me and feels terrible afterwards and that I'm right that I don't deserve to have her as a daughter, and she can't control herself. She's been much better at the moment.

I don't know what to do. She knows I won't throw her out.

I live in hope she will mature. She definitely moving out next year when she's finished Uni.

Not much help. Sorry!

Does she get on with her dad? Can he be the link and keep up the contact for a while?

You may both have suffered from the poor mother daughter relationship and her grandma had. She may have an inherited condition of some sort.

Give her time, as PPs said. Maturity can flick like a switch.

I want to try and see this from where your daughter is and it’s interesting that you don’t know what your daughter would say. Is there any possibility that you have become so upset by her issues clouding things that you have stopped really listening? I don’t mean to sound down on you - but every angle is worth exploring. Our daughters are so precious.

My mother definitely has some sort of personality disorder. It didn't become clear that it was her, not me, until I went to therapy (5 years worth) for an anxiety disorder. I sometimes wonder if DD has inherited something from her but she has empathy and insight to her own behaviour when she's calmed down, unlike her grandmother.

Her relationship with DH has suffered but he can shut down and refuse to engage when he sees she's spoiling for a fight unlike me!

She got a job working nights over the summer, a few minutes walk away. Her Dad walks down with her because it's dark and lonely on the lane down there. Last night she texted me to ask me to let her know immediately that her Dad got back as there was a group of teen boys hanging around near her work. She was ready to go out and sort them out if they gave him any trouble. She had told him to 'go die' when he called her for dinner earlier in the evening.