to ask if anyone has a shit relationship with their mum AND with their daughter?

[oleannasbluemask]

Or is it just me?

Feels like a uniquely shit situation to be in. I am NC with my mum for the past few years, after years of horrible emotional abuse. Ironically, the trigger was the fact that she had started being unkind about DD1 that pushed me over the edge, though DD1 doesn't know this.

I was honest with DD1 about why me and her grandmother do not talk any more, ie that my mum was very abusive, which was a mistake. Since she became a teenager, DD1 has been extremely difficult. Severe verbal abuse and occasional physical abuse to me and her dad. Relentless nastiness, including pages of abusive emails telling me how shit I am, how I am just as bad as my mum (she knows where to hit me where it hurts). One highlight included her saying that I am no better than a 'bitch on the street'. She moved out last year - she is 22 now - but comes home occasionally. When she does she will pick a fight over nothing. For example she came on holiday with us this summer and was spoiling for a fight from day 1, by day 2 said she was leaving as I 'obviously didn't want her there', made a big show of packing her bags which was very disruptive for the other DCS, and basically ruined the whole week. I did want her there but was extremely tense as she is always on the look out for an argument so I am always very careful about what I say. By the end of the holiday she was being utterly vile, I was starting a new job the next day and she told me she hoped it went really badly and ranted about what a terrible crap mum I am. I spent the first day of my new job fighting tears. At that point I snapped and told her I had simply had enough, that I love her but that my mental (and physical - blood pressure was through the roof) health could not take any more.

We have not spoken since, though DH sent her an email asking her to send a card to an unwell relative and she sent an extremely rude reply saying she did not have time and not to email her and that no one sends letters anyway.

When she was growing up we tried EVERYTHING. Time together just me and her, counselling (she throws that back in my face now and says it was abusive of me to make her go to counselling when it was only every something we suggested, she refused to go back after two sessions), supporting her as much as we could.

I have other DCs with whom I have a great relationship and because of the shit way my mum treated me have always tried so hard to be a good mum, it cuts me to the bone when DD1 tells me I am actually an awful mother.

I just wondered if anyone else is in this crap position of being NC with mum and a toxic relationship with DD.

What a night mare I dread this. I'm just out of toddler years with one and couldn't emotionally or physically cope with this level of stress and argument!

I would tell her you love her and adore her but you can't cope with her behaviour any more.

OP, don't despair. I had an appalling relationship with my mother when I was around that age (so bad that when I moved abroad we didn't speak for months) and when I saw her all we did was argue. I remember once saying to her that it felt like she'd never loved me - at the time I really did feel like that but I know she does so I'm not sure why I felt or said that.

Fast forward 15 years and we go away for weekends, meet up for coffee - we couldn't be closer. Don't lose hope. Looking back I don't know how my mother didn't disown me at times, but I'm so glad she didn't!

Thanks everyone. I do think she might have a personality disorder tbh. The way she reacts to things just doesn’t seem normal. If that’s the case I guess she isn’t going to grow out of it. Whether she does or not I feel that fundamentally she just isn’t a nice person. She alienates everyone, gets sacked from jobs because she comes to blows with colleagues and bosses. And it’s always, always the others fault and you have to listen to her rant on spitefully about how horrible everyone else is and god forbid you don’t make the right sympathetic noises or suggest she might be the problem or she turns on you. She is a bully and she honestly doesn’t have a nice word to say about anyone. But genuinely thinks there is nothing wrong with her behaviour. She will often say ‘I mean, I’m a nice person!’ And I think, no, you are really not. She drains my confidence when she is around, Even little things like looking me up and down when I’m going out and snorting or saying ‘are you wearing that?’

She is equally horrible to DH. I often wonder if she would care if either of us went under a bus. She adores her youngest brother who is very small though can be impatient and unkind to him too.

MadMum that sounds horrendous. I’m
so sorry. How awful of your DD to bring up her sisters death to hurt you. I hope things improve when she goes to university.

DD is very similar in that she throws things back in my face. I never tell her anything now. She will sometimes go and stay with my mum after an argument as she knows that will really hurt me, and nothing could delight my mum more than knowing DD and I don’t get on.

I hate the thought of ever being completely NC with her and hope she can become easier as she gets older, what I can’t do is have a lifetime of being bullied by her.

You don't have go NC, you could just try low contact while you get some counselling for yourself? It seems to me that you need to rebalance what you think is reasonable to you in relationships, and to build your self-esteem.

If she is simply immature, you will be able to resume your connection eventually, and it might do you both some good to be disentangled in the meantime.

If she does have a personality disorder, then the onus is really on her to seek help, and you will be happier and healthier if you are able to at least partially disengage.

I get on with my own daughter but my Mum could have written your post about me.

My mum never stopped moaning about her own mum as I was growing up and in fact never actually taught me what a loving mother/daughter relationship should look like because she was so disrespectful of her own mother.

My mum would tell you that I was lovely until I was about 10 and then I "completely changed" and became awful.

She will also never miss an opportunity to run me down or say horrible things about me and never ever gives me a proper compliment.

Strangely, these are the things that she says her mum did to her growing up - but she never notices that she does them to me.

For instance she loves telling a story about how her mum commented on a new dress that she had made years ago and instead of saying "that's a lovely dress" her mum said "what made you think of yellow?" when she looked at it.

Fast forward 40 years and at my daughter's engagement party my mum picked up the bottom of my dress and said "hmm not like you to wear a colour is it?"

My mum can't see the difference and can't see her own faults.

If you asked my mum about our relatoinship she would never ever admit that she made mistakes - everything wrong with our relationship is my fault.

I haven't gone no contact with her but I do make sure I avoid hurtful situations - for instance I never let her come to my house because she can't say anything nice about it at all - everything is a "comment" rather than a compliment - i.e newly decorated living room with home made blinds and a sofa that I reupholstered and I didn't even tell her I had redone the room because I didn't want to be seen as "boasting".

She walked in and said "hmm - why do you like these sofas more than the other ones?"

I just give up with her now but I DONT feel loved and I dont like her at all.

For the record she is NOT like this with anyone else.

Luckily for me I seem to have managed to break the cycle and have a brilliant relatinship with my own daughter.

I do feel however that I put a lot of work into my relatoinship with my daughter to make it that way - for instance I always speak to her with love, never say a bad comment about her to other people. I don't list every single thing that she did wrong as a child again and again and I am very quick to comliment her and always refer to her as darling.

I say I work hard at it but actually mostly it comes naturally and it is more than I would be careful to never say things like "that's not my taste" about an outfit etc - just say "you look beautiful darling" becasue life's hard enough without your mum being down on you isn't it?

Maybe our difficult mums had pnd that wasnt recognised or maybe they just weren't cut out for motherhood or maybe the daughters really were daughters from hell!!

I do think you have to recognise the cycle and break it though or how else are our children supposed to see what a good relationship is like?

My relationship with my mum was awful, we have been NC for many years, bliss!

Never had a DD, I have two DS’ 17 & 15 and I have a wonderful relationship with them.

I have a few friends who have DD that are going through a hard time, but who not necessarily had bad relationships with their mums, just teenage angst, give it a few years and thing will hopefully turn around.

It sounds like your dd has some type of disorder because she isn't just mean to you (i.e. you just can't get along the two of you) but she can't get on with any of the world. It's very sad, but she's 22 now, you've done your best and I think you will have to go into protective mode for yourself and your younger children. I'd have therapy, practice distancing yourself a bit (so when she kicks off saying you prefer the other kids, you hate me, you can reply calmly that that's not the case) but also setting boundaries about how you will be treated going forward- which include no physical or verbal abuse. You cannot allow yourself to be shouted at or indeed hit by an adult daughter.

No more 'fun' holidays (22 is too old and she behaved appallingly on the last one, so that's that). You may have to visit her not the other way around so you can leave if she becomes rude.

It doesn't sound like a normal teenage anger, and the fact she's got used to kicking you emotionally or physically as her method of stress relief has to stop. It's abusive and you can't let it continue.

This is a really hard situation, do get support for yourself

Girls are bloody hard work. I had a great relationship with both my girls when they were younger, but once DD1 hit her teens, it went to hell. Part of it was that XH favoured her above all of us, although he thought nobody could see that. He would reward her with things after she and I had had a row and when she left home at 17 I was both gutted and relieved. She would come home a couple of times a year for a visit, but it was never comfortable. She provoked a hideous row with me when my dad died, because it was 'so much worse for her.' Sometimes I would call to see how she was, or to tell her some news and she wouldn't answer. Our relationship didn't improve until she became pregnant. It is now much better, although nowhere near as close as my relationship is with DD2. DD1 has to be the centre of attention at all times.

I have no advice as to how to deal with this. My own mother was wonderful and I had hoped to have that kind of relationship with both my daughters.

You’re obviously not a bad mum. You have a great relationship with your other children.

You know you’re not like your mum. She sounds like she is though.

I’m afraid I’ve no advice to offer, just support.

Sympathies OP and PPs.
I am in a similar situation, although my DD lives with my DM (mother is OK to DD) and she is off to uni this month.
My DD has effectively put up the barriers and has gone NC with me. Not sure this is better or worse than what you're experiencing.
It hurts, it's shit and I'm sorry I don't have any answers, sorry.
Just know you're not alone. X

Thanks all. Sorry for others in this situation but it helps to know it isn’t just me.