AIBU with difficult friendship group

[Nonky]

Hello
Thanks for taking the time to read this. To begin with, I am fully prepared to being told I am unreasonable and if that is the case I shall move on and try not to feel bad! I am also aware this probably makes me seem like a teenage girl again!

I have been close friends with 5 other women for about 10 years. Two years ago, one of them decided she didn’t like some of us as much as the others and tried to exclude a couple of us. The other friends realised this was happening and refused to let it happen which was great. Fast forwards a couple of years. The friend who didn’t like some of us has made it clear she still doesn’t like two of us. I have put up and shut up just to not make a fuss. Earlier this year I was encouraged to have a joint 40th day out with these friends. I am not the sort of person who enjoys ever being the centre of attention however I agreed to this but said I really didn’t feel it was fair that I had to invite this one person along to my 40th as she has always made it clear she doesn’t like me. In the end, I was told it would make everyone else feel awkward if she didn’t come so I backed out. I still went along to celebrate the other persons birthday but just took my birthday out of it.

I have just been invited to an evening round one of my fiends houses next week. She has told me that she knows how this one person has treated me but she would feel too awkward not inviting her as it would mean she would also be hated. I’m starting to wonder if I am being a bit stupid by carrying on like this. I can guarantee if this person had treated anyone else in this friendship group the way I have been treated they would refuse to go anywhere with her! As it is, they all say they understand how I feel and they don’t really like her themselves but basically they are not going to change anything.

They keep saying how close we all are and how I can’t let this one person affect our friendship but am I right in thinking that basically they don’t really give a shit about how I feel?! Or should I just carry on putting up with this woman in order
To keep my friends.

I don't think you can expect them to take sides and to break the friendship with you, no.

If you continue to interact with the group, then keep your distance with her, but it's your decision, the woman isn't asking people to stop inviting you from what I can see because she doesn't like you.

It's your business to deal with, not the groups, they should not be expected to exclude her and side with you.

Break the friendship for you not with you.

I have not, and never would ask anyone to not be friends with anyone. I’m just wondering if I need to be the one to break away

If you can accept the fact they will not take sides and they will continue to be friends with both of you, then yes, you need to break away.

Your post does read that you have been lobbying the group, as they are all telling you they won't change anything, that they don't give a shit about how you feel etc, so apologies if I misunderstood.

Either way they are behaving correctly. They should not take sides, they are not children. As such, you either accept she will be there or break away.

No I certainly have not been lobbying them! They all have noticed the way she treats me and another person and say they hate her behaviour and how she is being but are too afraid of her turning on them to stand up to it

It's up to you really your friends shouldn't not invite her to things because of you that would be exactly the same as she tried to do to you in reverse!

If you don't want to be around her either organise things yourself and don't invite her or meet friends one on one! Your friends are aware and sympathetic but they are right not to take sides.

It sounds like a dysfunctional group of friends to me. If you’re not taking joy from it breakaway. If you still have some enjoyment then go out and and have a laugh with them, but remind yourself not to get too emotionally attached.

If I invited them all and not her, they would insist I did invite her so as not to make her (and then) feel bad. Which is fine. I think maybe I am too emotionally attached to it all and panicking about it all too much 🤣 thanks for the bolt of reality!

I wouldn’t be thrilled about having to invite someone to my birthday against my wishes, but I’ve never been one to be part of a gang who have to do everything as a group so maybe it is different if that is your thing. Personally, I’d start to extract myself from the group, widen my friendship circles and still see these people but not as one of the «gang».

It’s not my ‘thing’ at all! You are right, I will do things individually with the ones I like. I’m far too quiet and actually not into drama to be part of a group like this!!!!

How do you widen your friendship circles by the way?

ok if there is only 5 of you in the group and she treats you and one other badly then it's the other 2 who are still wanting to include her ? is that right? If so it's very hard it's obvious they do value you as they didn't let her exclude you but what sort of stuff is she doing ? can you just look at it as you are hanging out with friends and just be civil but nothing more to her ?

I think in all honesty that if your complaint against her is that she wants to exclude you, you can’t then exclude her, or expect other people to exclude her.

The other women want to just stick to the group of six and avoid all this nonsense which is fair enough.

You get to choose, you either put up with her or you back away from the group as a whole, perhaps retaining friendships with the others on an individual basis only.

You’re over thinking it. She’s not your friend and so it’s fine not to invite her to your events. However your friends can be friends with who ever they like, it would be childish to expect them to take sides.

I don’t expect them to take sides. I have never been the one to begin a conversation with the others about her. They have said to be how bad her behaviour is and how they dislike her but don’t want her to turn on them. I guess it’s hard to describe in writing and is probably a lot more complex than just what I have put down. Thanks for the advice tho!

But if you want to arrange things with the rest of the group but exclude her, then you are doing exactly the same as she is doing.

Yes maybe you have a valid reason not to like her, but maybe she has a reason not to like you? None of us know if (before she took a dislike to you) you've: banged on and on about a diet; made homophobic/racist/sexist comments; been loud and annoying; slated her football team; pushed your religious or political views; pushed your whatever you're selling; been shy and quiet which has been interpreted as being rude; or anything else which means she just doesn't get on with you. Not saying you have, maybe she's just a bitch but there must be something she doesn't like about you two- even if that's just that you're the most successful and she's jealous. In which case, keep your distance but I still don't think you can exclude her without losing the whole friendship group.

Op - widening your friendship circle can be easy or tough depending on the type of person you are. However, a few things hold true. Start a new hobby and be open to new experiences and new types of people.

Thanks for the replies. As I’ve said I haven’t excluded anyone - far from it! I just wondered whether it was right for me to carry on with all this when it makes me feel so bad. Thanks for all the replies!

Tbh, none of them sound like great friends. They know this woman is treating you badly but don't seem willing to say anything for fear of repercussions. I get the not wanting to get involved thing but there are ways and means of making someone in a group look at their behaviour if it's upsetting a friend. The fact they're not willing to do that speaks volumes. It all sounds a bit fluffy rather than a deep friendship, which is pretty normal for groups in my experience. I'd either just suck it up and see them as people you occasionally see but are not mega close too, or walk away and stay in touch with those who mean more.

As for the 40th, given its a joint party I guess the other person likes this woman so I think you'll have to go with that.

I used to be in a group of friends like this. 2 if them disliked me and for a year neither spoke to me when we together. It’s only 15 years later that I realised the others were not true friends either, to have gone along with this. It was actually my DS11 who pointed it out to me!

Invite her - if she really feels the way about you that you say, then your other friends should tell her that coming along is very two faced. She may decide not to come anyway.

If going out with the group makes you feel bad - don’t go! Of course not.

There’s no reason you can’t arrange to see the other women individually from time to time though.

Tbh, none of them sound like great friends.

'Bout sums it up really.

I’m going to leave this now as my original message hasn’t come across right but I do appreciate the replies. I DIdnt exclude her from any birthday things - far from it. But rather than be awkward I didn’t do anything at all for me and just celebrated the other persons birthday instead so as not to upset anyone! They all keep telling ME how awful her behaviour is. They have told HER that she is being two faced by coming when I invite her to things if she doesn’t like me - but she still does! I don’t not invite her as then I would be excluding her! Oh I don’t know! I’m not cut out for this sort of friendship group. It’s all far too complicated!

Maybe distance yourself from the group Nd just maintain one-to-one friendships with those you get along with best? Group dynamics can be really tricky.