AIBU with difficult friendship group

[Nonky]

Hello
Thanks for taking the time to read this. To begin with, I am fully prepared to being told I am unreasonable and if that is the case I shall move on and try not to feel bad! I am also aware this probably makes me seem like a teenage girl again!

I have been close friends with 5 other women for about 10 years. Two years ago, one of them decided she didn’t like some of us as much as the others and tried to exclude a couple of us. The other friends realised this was happening and refused to let it happen which was great. Fast forwards a couple of years. The friend who didn’t like some of us has made it clear she still doesn’t like two of us. I have put up and shut up just to not make a fuss. Earlier this year I was encouraged to have a joint 40th day out with these friends. I am not the sort of person who enjoys ever being the centre of attention however I agreed to this but said I really didn’t feel it was fair that I had to invite this one person along to my 40th as she has always made it clear she doesn’t like me. In the end, I was told it would make everyone else feel awkward if she didn’t come so I backed out. I still went along to celebrate the other persons birthday but just took my birthday out of it.

I have just been invited to an evening round one of my fiends houses next week. She has told me that she knows how this one person has treated me but she would feel too awkward not inviting her as it would mean she would also be hated. I’m starting to wonder if I am being a bit stupid by carrying on like this. I can guarantee if this person had treated anyone else in this friendship group the way I have been treated they would refuse to go anywhere with her! As it is, they all say they understand how I feel and they don’t really like her themselves but basically they are not going to change anything.

They keep saying how close we all are and how I can’t let this one person affect our friendship but am I right in thinking that basically they don’t really give a shit about how I feel?! Or should I just carry on putting up with this woman in order
To keep my friends.

I think in friendship groups where this kind of thing is happening then some people are willing to turn a blind eye while it's not them being excluded...

Whether you are willing to go along with it is up to you. I wouldn't want to be in a group situtation where someone was constantly making me feel bad. I think I would go with just meeting up with the individuals, while keeping to the back of my mind they are willing to overlook your treatment

I’m not cut out for this sort of friendship group

Neither are most sane people past the age of about fifteen, OP. I think the set-up sounds incredibly juvenile, and your discomfort with all the backchannel chat and drama suggests you're growing out of it, too. See the people you like individually, and step back from the group, which honestly sounds like you're all still at school and terrified of having to ear lunch by yourselves.

It depends what you get out of the group as it stands. If you are looking for people who will always take your side and put your needs first, this group is no use to you. However if it suits you to have a group of entertaining people to do fun stuff with when you feel like it, they may still be of value to you.

It might have been nice if your closer friends within the group took your side and cut out the frenemy, but it is easy for a group to disintegrate totally when this happens. Sometimes a strong character (even if obnoxious and disliked) serves a purpose in keeping a group together.

Doesn't sound like much fun being in a group with a person who makes it clear she doesn't like you :( Putting up with that would diminish my self-esteem. :(

Precisely! I shall back off

Nonky, I understand you completely & have been there more recently than I care to remember myself. In the end I walked away & I am actually loads happier for it. Yes they were my main group of friends & now I have afew individual friends here & there who I see far less frequently & maybe aren't as social as I would like. However the upset & aniexty it caused me to go through was not worth it at all. I will always meet new people & you should just accept the times you have had with this group & maybe create a one on one with the other girl that was excluded ait more? Or just look forward to the next chapter with fresh people down the line. Just don't give up it's hard sometimes but we are worth more than other people's crumbs! And like I tell myself when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

It's awful when grown women know a situation to be very wrong but are too scared to rock the boat incase they end up in your shoes! I will never accept someone's odd bones just to be included. It's childish & says more about the characters of those who put up with this than those who walk away.

Good luck

How to widen your circle? Do you have any hobbies or other places where you meet people you like? If not, join something. Smile, be friendly and when you meet someone you get on with, ask if they’d fancy meeting up some time (not the first time you meet them, but some months down the line).