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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off that my mum left my kids with their grandad despite saying she’d stay home

28 replies

sizzzled · 08/09/2018 10:22

My parents wanted to take my two DDs to an event yesterday (Friday), I had initially said no, and that they should maybe go another time when my mum wouldn’t be going to town the Saturday afterwards so that they can sleep over. As they’d be getting back late, I didn’t want them to come home all hyper and wake up the baby (and honestly I didn’t want to spend an hour doing bedtime with them at 11/12 at night when I thought OH was working late into the early ours).
But after they were being really good and being somewhat neglected by me this week (ill baby) I asked if they would still like to take them but mentioned that my youngest DD had been more easily upset lately and that it was probably best that they didn’t sleep over if grandma wasn’t going to be there when they woke up in the morning, but that their dad would be here in the evening so it was ok to bring them back late rather than have them sleep over.
My mum actually witnessed youngest DD having a meltdown the other day when OH brought her back from school to find that I wasn’t here – we'd gone for a walk to try to get the ill baby to sleep. I reminded her of this when I said that it probably wasn’t a good idea for them to wake up and find her gone.
She told me, at least three times, that she’d be there in the morning.

Then yesterday when they were about to drive away my dad said something about how I should text him when I want them back, the kids will be fine and my mum's going shopping.
My mum texted this morning to say they’re still asleep but my dad is up waiting for them and she’s going out now. WTF, this is the man that I NEVER wanted to be left alone with as a child. It was given, when I was young, that I’d never choose to stay home with him no matter what boring place my mum was going to, I'd always go along rather than stay at home with him.
To be fair, I don’t think he’d treat my daughters like he did me – just general impatience, resentment, scariness, occasional hitting, shouting. He wasn’t always terrible, he tried, was just a bit shit at parenting. I honestly can't remember much of why I didn't really like being left alone with him, but remember clearly that I didn't and know that my mum knows this.

To be fair he’s actually a pretty good grandad and they do really love him but my youngest especially is nowhere near as comfortable with him as she is my mum and I have seen him handle things badly when they’re playing up and youngest is a pretty challenging 6 year old.
They’re just 5 minutes away and I am 99% sure they’re absolutely fine and oldest DD has a phone to text me but I am pissed off that my mum would just blatantly tell me one thing to get what she wants, then go ahead and do another. She’s not usually like this, blatantly at least. She does think she knows best and does do stupid small things that I am silently but constantly annoyed by but this has just pissed me right off but I don’t know if I’m blowing it out of proportion. As I said they are and will be fine, but she said one thing and did another. I have issues with her not respecting my wishes so I’m just extra annoyed now about this petty thing but don’t know if IAMU to be.

OP posts:

1981fishgut · 08/09/2018 10:26

Next time don’t ask it’s not realistic to expect one person to be in all day or all weekend when looking after children if they are a couple

If I have my nephew it’s usally me who dose the lions share

But their will be times were I need to pop out ect tbh if you don’t trust you dadyo look after the kids don’t leave them there they live together and tbh I think it’s a massive ask to expect her to be with them 24/7

1981fishgut · 08/09/2018 10:27

If you leave your children with somone

You need to be clear it’s highly likey they will be let with the husband or wife at some point if you don’t want your child being alone with the named person then you cannot send your child to that house.
You sound very controlling tbh

Thehop · 08/09/2018 10:28

Can you go over and be there when she wakes up?

Trunkisareshite · 08/09/2018 10:29

If they’re five minutes away, go now and be there when they wake up to avoid any upset for them.

Re your parents I’d calmly ask why they lied and disregarded your wishes and their answer would determine where I went from there.

NonaGrey · 08/09/2018 10:31

Why are you writing on MN? Just go and get them.

skunkatanka · 08/09/2018 10:35

Really strange this. If they're only 5 mins away why don't you just go and get them now?

Original poster

sizzzled · 08/09/2018 10:38

Like I said, they'll be fine, it's the blatant lie/disregard I'm pissed off about.

It's not that I'm particularly concerned, well a little bit about DD waking up upset. It's just that she never felt she could leave me with him, yet goes ahead and does it with them anyway after she confirmed she'd stay home. She didn't even need to stay at home for long.
But yes I intend to get them when they wake up, but due to the late night I'm not sure when that will be.

OP posts:

MaryBoBary · 08/09/2018 10:39

I agree that this is behaviour. If you’re Dad was that bad why would you want them in his house even with your Mum there? If he’s not that bad then what’s the issue? And as others have said, if you’re really that bothered go and get them. You seem happy to have the break but want to control it. Be appreciative that your parents want to help you out.

MaryBoBary · 08/09/2018 10:40

*odd behaviour

KnotsInMay · 08/09/2018 10:44

It is very late for them to be waking so she probably thought she would be there.

Go now and get them.

A 6 year old and an older sibling should be fine waking to a Grandsd they love and you can get them within 5 mins of waking. What will he do in 5 mins? You could have made this arrangement from the start.

You do seem keen to manage every aspect of the visit.

FredMerc · 08/09/2018 10:45

You wanted to always be with your Mum and disliked being left with your Dad. Now your daughter is the same as she had a meltdown because she was left with her Dad when you were out. You are spiralling the same pattern again Mum/Gran good, Dad/Grandad not good .....I think you need to work on breaking this cycle if there is no reason that your concerned about your Dad taking care of them. I think that your Mum went out as she isn't fueling this cycle. Would she have left them with your Dad if she was concerned?

Juells · 08/09/2018 10:53

Dad/Grandad not good

He sounds like he was frightening for the OP as a child. How is that OP 'spiralling the same pattern'?

Original poster

sizzzled · 08/09/2018 11:03

FredMerc you're making assumptions there - My DD didn't have a meltdown because she was left with her dad, she often stays home with him or goes places with him on her own - but I am pretty much always home on days that he collects her from school. It's very unusual for me not to be home after school, and never without warning, and that's why she was upset.

She said one thing whilst the whole time was planning to do another. That's why I am annoyed.
He was a shit dad, but we get on well now. He's not a monster and is a pretty good grandad whilst at times struggling to deal with challenging kids, that's all. They're not in any danger, but could end up sad, or being shouted at, which is why I wanted to know if my mum would be there, as he's never really dealt with them alone in the home, had to deal with mess/squabbles etc.

OP posts:

Cloglover · 08/09/2018 11:25

The thing with grandparents is that they aren't paid child care. With paid childcare you have expectations and a contract. With grandparents it's a mutually beneficial arrangement that you can't necessarily have control over. So if it doesn't work, you don't use it to your benefit. It does sound like there's a lot more to it. it does sound like you are convincing yourself that it's going to be OK. If you genuinely thought it would - you wouldn't have posted. I couldn't imagine leaving my children with people I had concerns about. And I couldn't imagine sitting at home 5 minutes away waiting for a possible situation to happen that I could prevent.

User467 · 08/09/2018 11:38

Maybe your mum didn't expect them to still be asleep. Maybe your dad is offended that he's ok to help look after your children but can't be trusted to be there alone, especially when you say you can't actually remember why you didn't like being with him. You wanted them to sleep over because you didn't want to have to deal with a late bedtime but presumably your parents had to deal with it. If you don't like that she has gone out then go and get them.

MrsJayy · 08/09/2018 11:43

So you are not actually that worried about your children your just annoyed your mum went out ? why are your trying to control your parents like this I would be more concerned about your child crying when somebody/you isn't around

MrsJayy · 08/09/2018 11:45

You are still not going to get them though just go round and get them

Singlenotsingle · 08/09/2018 11:50

It's Saturday. Women like going out shopping on a Saturday. If there's any problem with your dad looking after the DC, I'm sure they're old enough to tell you about it, and you will arrange it differently next time.

Evidencebased · 08/09/2018 11:53

The way this reads, (although it’s possible for us readers to get the wrong end of the stick), is that you’re pretty pissed off at your Mum doing something you see as letting you down.
Understandable.
And you have way more energy for this than what’s actually going on for your DC.

Either it’s ok for them to be left with Grandpa, in which case don’t get the issue?

Or it’s possibly not ok- wtaf- get off MN. Get to your DC.

Greggers2017 · 08/09/2018 12:04

I think you need to work on your 6 year old. Does she have additional needs? Because if not having a meltdown at that age just because you're not home is quite frankly rediculous.

insancerre · 08/09/2018 12:29

Your poor dad

NonaGrey · 08/09/2018 13:28

I tend to feel that it’s either ok for them to be left with your Dad or it’s not.

You chose not to get them this morning once you knew your Mum was out so if they are waking up to your Dad it’s now through your choice not just your Mum’s.

If it’s ok for them to be left with him why be so cross with your Mum?

Apart from anything else you could have avoid the whole thing by having them dropped off at your house and dealing with getting them to bed yourself...

FredMerc · 08/09/2018 14:51

OP, I did assume based on the information I read. Apologises if I was offensive

Original poster

sizzzled · 08/09/2018 14:57

I actually brought my DDs home shortly after starting the thread.

It wasn't just a case of plans changing -her meaning to do one thing but ending up doing another. It was her who kept persisting with asking if they could take the children. As I said in my OP I told my mum they didn't need to sleep over if she'd be going to town the next morning, that their dad was home and it'd be fine to bring them back late. I just suggested the sleepover the first time she asked if they could take them, I said no as I thought their dad was working late and a sleepover might not be a good idea if it was just my dad left with them.
She told me at least three time that it's fine, she'd be staying home - because SHE wanted them to sleep over.
So she knew she was going out but lied in order to get what SHE wanted.

Yes I have issues with my mum.

OP posts:

Original poster

sizzzled · 08/09/2018 14:58

No problem FredMerc :)

OP posts:

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