To not want to celebrate my 40th

[GraceMarks]

I'm going to be 40 soon. I am single, live alone, and have no children. My circumstances are partly through choice but also partly because I've been unlucky with my health and in the men I've met. I mean, if I'd been desperate for marriage and kids, I could have done it but it wasn't a priority.

Most of the time I'm happy with the way my life is, but sometimes, when I spend time with friends who made different choices, I come away feeling inadequate. I feel increasingly like I have little in common with the ones who got married and have children, and the ones who stayed single but put everything into having a high-flying career.

People have started asking me what I'm doing for my 40th. What I actually want to do is completely ignore it and carry on as normal! I simply don't want to mark the occasion. To me, it's just a big reminder of everything I haven't done and all the life milestones I've failed to achieve.

AIBU to want to tell people not to send me cards or birthday wishes? Or will I look weird and bitter?

I don’t think you will look weird or bitter but, if you were my friend and said that to me, I would be worried about you. I think it’s absolutely fine not to want a big fuss. I didn’t either. But telling people to completely ignore it may make them concerned for you.

You say you’re happy with your life and it’s only other people that make you feel inadequate and I think you should look at that more closely. Success in life is not a high flying career or a family or anything else. That is what society drums into us that success looks like. It’s a myth.

A life successfully lead is one where you have been happy. People get these careers, houses, children etc for that one outcome, happiness. If you don’t need those to be happy then good for you! That to me is success, not failure!

I ignore my birthdays. Its no big deal. You dont have an issue so if others have, its them with the problem not you.

I don’t intend to celebrate 40 this year at all!

Maybe have it as a reminder of everything you have done.

It’s your birthday to do (or not) whatever the hell you like. You won’t look weird or bitter if you choose not to do anything and your friends will understand. Once it’s come and gone your friends and relatives won’t be even recall, they’ll have moved onto the next thing in their lives. Not that your unimportant, just that people normally are pretty selfish and obsessed with their own trivialities. Do as you wish on your birthday and just say straight you’ve got no plans this year. Though I’m not sure they’ll even listen to you if you tell them not to send you birthday wishes/greetings.

I think it will sound like a cry for help if you ask people not to send anything.

You don’t have to have a “do” but is there nothing you'd like as a treat to yourself? A day out, a weekend away?

I haven’t celebrated any of my big milestone birthdays at all. 40 was a bit of a negative milestone as I’d been ttc for 10 years and just given up on IVF. 60 is the next one and I probably won’t have a big celebration for that either. Maybe a cruise or something. So no I don’t think YABU..

I'm 40 in 8 days and I don't want it marking but family think otherwise

I'm not going to celebrate mine either.
I find it utterly depressing that I'm that age, and so unsuccessful, no partner. Miserable.
I will probably either get drunk or sleep the day away.
I don't want to be that old either, it reminds me how I've wasted my life.

Why don't you ask for experience days with the people who are keen to celebrate with you. There's allport of craft or adventure.

I’m 40 this month. I’m dreading the questions about it. I’m an introvert and prefer my own company. I will be doing sod all for my 40th. Might buy some champagne maybe but I will drink with my close family and that’s it.

1978 was a good year

The thing is, everyone assumes that by the time a person reaches 40, they must have racked up a list of achievements that are worth celebrating. But some people, like me, are not ambitious and never really do any "big" things. That's ok with me but I still don't especially wish to have attention drawn to my quiet life, especially not in the company of others who have different priorities. I basically managed to get to 40 without getting myself arrested or killed. It's hardly the sort of life that needs a retrospective.

a cry for help? For not wanting anything?

How ridiculous. Ive said this for years and dont get. Im not crying for help.

Coconutcake if you were the sort of person who liked having a fuss made of your birthday and then one year you announced you wanted to ignore it, I suppose your friends might worry. I assumed that was what pp meant.

The older I get, the more I want to ignore my birthdays. The last birthday I celebrated was 29... after that I felt like birthdays were something to be feared not celebrated. The only thing I’ll be doing on my milestone birthdays is drowning my sorrows. Happily only my DH and DM actually know how old I am!

Not wanting to celebrate, or doing so quietly perhaps by being away on the day, is fine for me. I did this for my 40th (a few years ago) and was in the Prado in Madrid most of the afternoon.

Accept any cards or wishes I would suggest.

I'm 40 next year. I may go away with DH for a couple of days, but that wil be absolutely it. I won't be doing anything else and have absolutely no interest whatsoever in having any sort of party or celebration.

Go for nice meal/drinks with family friends. Just think what you would really like to do don't worry about anyone else .
Mine is next year and I'm not planning a big deal just close family.

I didn’t want to celebrate mine this year either!😂

I'm 40 next year. I am dreading it. I do not want a party or cards with 40 on. I will celebrate quietly in the usual way. Some people expect others to go out of their way for them on their birthdays, even non-'big birthdays', so if you choose not to request cards and so on then that's entirely fair.

I did what I do for most of my birthday's and go away climbing with people who don't know it's my birthday

Cards, texts etc you can't do much about without seeming a bit weird imo

I would think VERY carefully. I was 40 in the summer and I did not want anything, no fuss, no particular present, nothing. So my birthday arrives and I get,.... nothing. Looking back I feel that someone would maybe take me out for a meal or maybe give me a card but no. I got exactly what I asked for. I got a bunch of flowers from my kids which were lovely but I really wish that one friend had picked up the phone or sent a card and said happy birthday.

OP, what things do you really enjoy doing? And do you have a favourite restaurant or meal?
Because it is YOUR birthday! You don’t have to grit your teeth through some ghastly party if that’s not your thing. You can choose to spend your day doing all the things you like best.
That might be anything from treating yourself to a spa day, curling up by the fire in your pajamas with a good novel, inviting a few close friends or relatives to join you for a dinner, going for a city break somewhere, or water skiing naked down your local canal! Choose something that will make you happy, celebrate your own life, don’t make unfavourable comparisons with others. You’re a unique human, loved by God, and your life is just as important and worth celebrating as anyone’s.
May I wish you many happy returns in advance, and my prayers that your birthday is lovely for you in every way.

pilipala well no, one definitely shouldn't do the "pretend you don't want anything and then get annoyed when people take you at your word" thing... my mum is actually one of those people but luckily I know by this stage that she doesn't mean it and always shop for her accordingly.