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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for bridesmaids

62 replies

jarhead123 · 07/09/2018 20:56

AIBU?

SIL is getting married and wants our daughter as bridesmaid (also having 4 others). DH has told me we will be paying for the dress as they haven't got much money. I said I thought this was a bit cheeky and that if you don't have much spare cash, you should have less bridesmaids so you can pay for their dress etc.

He thinks I am being a snob!

Who is U?

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 07/09/2018 21:33

Genuine question: do bridesmaids really need to have all the same dress? Why can't they wear their own dresses?

ianbealesonwheels · 07/09/2018 21:33

Does it really matter? It's an experience your DD can treasure for life. You/she keep the dress. Obviously if you're on a tight budget you need to be clear on that. But if your DH has agreed this with his sister, that's down to them. You'd likely buy an outfit for the wedding anyway...

MaisyPops · 07/09/2018 21:34

Bride should pay for the bridesmaid. Or re think her budget and expectations
This
But from when I did wedding planning tjere was a big difference between UK and US blogs.
UK sites tended to have fewer bridesmaids and the bride pays for everything.
US sites tended to talk about having bridal parties of 6,7,8 even 10+ bridesmaids and the bridesmaids pay.

I've started seeing some.more weddings with large bridal parties so maybe UK ettiquete is shifting.

MarklahMarklah · 07/09/2018 21:35

DD was a bridesmaid recently - the youngest of four. Two of them were late 20's, the other a teen. The bride took them all out shopping and paid for all the dresses, and also consulted them on what they liked and disliked. We made a day out of it and we (bridesmaids etc) paid for her lunch as a thankyou.

PlatypusPie · 07/09/2018 21:41

We have a family wedding this month and the bride has paid for the 4 sets of bridesmaid dresses and shoes ( all ASOS, lovely) and alterations - the dresses were chosen collaboratively by the bride with the bridesmaids who are all the same sort of age, size and colouring which made choosing something to suit them all easy.

(Have awful memories myself of a 14 year old me in vibrant orange which looked gorgeous on the olive skinned other bridesmaids and awful with my very rosy cheeks 😳 )

ShakespearesSisters · 07/09/2018 21:44

I've been a bridesmaid 5x. I've never paid for a dress. I got to choose the last 2.
When i got married I paid for the 2 adult and 3 child bridesmaid dresses.
I was shocked when a friend was being bridesmaid and had to pay, especially when the bride specified a £200 dress and £70 shoes that my friend would never wear again.

Snog · 07/09/2018 21:49

In the UK the bride pays, in the USA the bridesmaid pays

BlueSuffragette · 07/09/2018 21:50

Think that it is rude for a bride to ask bridesmaid to pay for dress. Budget it in, lots of lovely reasonably priced dresses these days. Too many bridezillas. Have fewer bridesmaids.

SaltyPeanut · 07/09/2018 21:51

While it is traditional for the couple getting married to pay for the bridesmaids dresses, this sounds more like your DH just wanting to help his own sister out financially. If that is the case, he is being kind and sorry to say but you are possibly being unreasonable. Even if she asked, he agreed to help by paying for it. Is he not allowed to help his family with money without your consent or something.

yorkshireyummymummy · 07/09/2018 22:00

cherrypavlova
I don’t know if you are British but I don’t know of any wedding where the bridesmaids have paid for their own dresses. It most certainly is NOT traditional for bridesmaids to pay for themselves.
I have been bridesmaid 4 times - never paid or been asked to pay for a dress.
I don’t know of a single wedding I have been to where the bridesmaids paid for their own dresses- would you expect groomsmen to pay for their own suits too?

Jarhead123
No , you are not BU or a snob.
Your SILshould cut her coat according to the cloth and have the wedding she can afford - not the wedding she wants and expects other people to fund! Utterly cheeky.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 07/09/2018 22:11

What's the issue? She asked you if DD to be bridesmaid and told you the score re paying for the dress.

You don't want to pay she doesn't get to be bridesmaid. Brides expectations are managed.

My guess is you quite the idea of your DD being bridesmaid and will stump up for the dress though.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 07/09/2018 22:12

That’s the wedding present sorted then.

AspieHere · 07/09/2018 22:14

I've never known it to be a thing that BMs pay for their dresses. Bride and Groom should pay or accept they can't have as many BMs.

SheepyFun · 07/09/2018 22:14

When we got married (UK) we expected to buy the bridesmaids' dresses. DH informed me that SIL preferred to pay for hers. I didn't argue - are you sure that's not what's happened here?

But in general, I would expect to pay for anything I chose. I asked my bridesmaids to wear dark formal shoes, but guessed (correctly) that they'd already have those.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 07/09/2018 22:43

As a soon to be married for the first time, this sort of thing really annoys me.

So the rule is brides pay for bridesmaids apparently or they are rude. Yet ask all your guests to bring a dish instead of catering is considered more than acceptable and possibly, the best sort of wedding.
Odd.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 07/09/2018 23:43

Bearing in mind no one seems to have said they need to wear a specfic dress.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 08/09/2018 06:49

The only time you don't need to pay for your bridesmaids' dresses is when you say they can wear anything they like, including something they already have.

RhK88 · 08/09/2018 07:29

I paid for my bridesmaids dresses but they were quite expensive. Bridesmaids as a result have dry cleaned and given them me back (without asking) to resell. Maybe suggest she does that? When I was maid of honour we all bought our own dresses but the bride wanted us to have different ones. She gave some guidance on style colours etc and left us to it. I bought something that would still be suitable to wear to another wedding as a guest

InfiniteSheldon · 08/09/2018 07:31

Pay it, it's a nice thing to do tradition doesn't matter if family needs a little bit of help ffs

ProseccoPoppy · 08/09/2018 07:35

I paid for my bridesmaid’s dress (I chose the colour, she chose the style), dress alterations, shoes (heels and flats), hair and make up. Because (a) I wanted to, I didn’t want my wedding causing her financial strain and (b) I am pretty sure you’re supposed to...

PositiveVibez · 08/09/2018 07:36

If my own sister was getting married and funds were a bit tight, of course I would buy my daughters dress to help her out.

It's not like it's some random long lost friend.

Would you do it for your own sibling or do you just not like your husband's sister?

saycheeseandcrackers · 08/09/2018 07:45

My nieces were my bridesmaids but my ds and db insisted on paying for the dresses. We then worked together to find dresses that they could re-wear. I would have happily paid but they were quite insistent about it.

I've got nice siblings Smile

CoughLaughFart · 08/09/2018 07:47

So the rule is brides pay for bridesmaids apparently or they are rude. Yet ask all your guests to bring a dish instead of catering is considered more than acceptable and possibly, the best sort of wedding.
Odd.

I don’t know who considers that ‘the best sort of wedding’ - it sounds bloody awful to me.

Geekmama · 08/09/2018 08:23

When I got married the Bridesmaids bought their own dresses. I said they could wear whatever They wanted old or new as long as it was black. I then bought accessories for them. It was quite difficult As I had bridesmaids from very petite to beautifully curvy and I just wanted them to feel comfortable.

KNain · 08/09/2018 09:08

Did the bride ask or did your DH offer? I think that also makes a big difference if it's cheeky or not.

I think this is key here. I would think the bride should pay for the bridesmaids' dresses. But if your DH has offered or decided that he wants to pay then that changes things, e.g. SIL may well have been intending to pay for the dress until your DH insisted on paying.

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