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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect him to come ?

35 replies

upnorthwhereitsboringandslow · 07/09/2018 14:54

We organised dinner with my work colleagues and their wives 6 weeks ago. Colleagues been asking for years I've avoided as DH is not the easiest wanted to avoid a scene with people I need to get along with. Finally gave in thinking maybe it will be fun surely I can trust DH for one night... so he's fallen out with me and now threatening to pull out. Have a sitter, don't want to look like an idiot at work can't he just put all this stuff aside and realise I need him to make a good impression for me?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/09/2018 14:58

What's his problem? I can see why it might be boring for him, but did he agree to go before you arranged it or does he feel railroaded into it?

It's only one night though.

NancyDonahue · 07/09/2018 15:00

Why does your dh have go to work related stuff with you? Do you always go to his?

CloudCaptain · 07/09/2018 15:00

Dh sounds like a passive aggressive controlling arsehole. Tell him to go out and tell your colleagues he's ill/an arsehole, whichever suits.
Does he always ruin things for you?

IHaveBrilloHair · 07/09/2018 15:02

Why didn't he want to go?

ShalomJackie · 07/09/2018 15:11

Why are you with a bloke who is not the easiest to the extent that you don't want to be out with him in public ?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2018 15:18

Why on earth would you have married an arsehole who you can't even trust to bring around other people? Serious question.

SylvesterTheCat · 07/09/2018 15:21

I came on here thinking this was going to be a sex question! GrinBlush

ThirdChildFourthPile · 07/09/2018 15:22

Oh God I need to get my mind out the gutter, what is wrong with me?!

Piffle11 · 07/09/2018 15:30

Obviously I don't know you or DH, but I was in a bad relationship for years, and he would pull stunts like this. If there was something he clearly didn't want to go to, he would leave it 'til late on then find a way of falling out with me, so that he could refuse to come. It also meant that he could try and pin the blame on me. We left my close friend's wedding early as he had a violent migraine … which miraculously disappeared on the hour journey home. He felt ill the night I was going out to a Christmas party with colleagues (no partners) and couldn't drive me there, knowing that at 7pm the Friday before Christmas I'd never get a taxi. Picked a fight with me before God-daughter's birthday tea and refused to come … etc. YANBU: at best he's got social anxiety and doesn't want to admit it, at worst he's an unsupportive, uncaring arsehole.

Merryoldgoat · 07/09/2018 15:37

A few things:

  1. Why does he need such careful managing to avoid a ‘scene’?
  1. Why is it important for him to go and how will it impact your job if he doesn’t?
  1. Does he generally pick a fight to get out of things he doesn’t want to do?
UpstartCrow · 07/09/2018 15:38

He's selfish and doesn't have your back. You can do better.

Arrowfanatic · 07/09/2018 15:39

Are you married to a stroppy 9 year old? How bizzare that you have to negotiate with him for good public behaviour.

Ohyesiam · 07/09/2018 15:42

Why are you in a relationship with someone who needs to be managed? Seriously, you can have a relationship with a nice person.
I would just say that “d”h was being difficult and had now pulled out.

chaoscategorised · 07/09/2018 15:43

I feel like the bigger issue here is that you don't trust your DH to be a nice person/behave/be socially acceptable in general... That's not great. And him being a child about it because he has to go to a thing and behave for once, when it's important to you, is manipulative as fuck. He's just trying to get you not to ask again. My OH can be quite shy and hates stuff like family get togethers etc, but he comes and is lovely, because he knows it's important to me.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 07/09/2018 15:56

I could never be married to someone who couldn't accompany me to a social event with friends, family or colleagues and behave himself, even if he didn't really want to go.

QueenOfMyWorld · 07/09/2018 16:11

Go alone say he has bad toothache or something,make sure you have a great time

Crunchymum · 07/09/2018 16:17

I don't quite know where to begin with this to be honest?

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/09/2018 16:18

Your DH is such an arse that you knew he would do this and he has. You knew he would ruin a very important evening for you.

Why are you married to him?

RedSkyLastNight · 07/09/2018 16:20

I don't understand why you don't just say to your work colleagues ... "My DH is an anti-social bugger, better we don't invite him, I'll just come over on my own". I would hate to be invited to a meal with my DH's work colleagues. Sure I would go and be polite if he really wanted me to, but actually he'd realise I'd hate it and not ask ...

AjasLipstick · 07/09/2018 16:24

I don't see why his not going will make you look like an idiot. DH and I quite often go to dinners without the other...not always but there's no rule that the other half of a couple MUST attend for goodness sake!

Just say he's unwell or that he's not a very social person.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 07/09/2018 16:24

He really, really doesn't want to go and has manufactured an argument out of nothing so that he doesn't have to go. Just tell them that he's ill.

My personal point of view is that they are your colleagues and really nothing to do with him if he's not interested. Which is something that I have said to my DH as I really can't be arsed making nice for no reason (except to big up my DH) with a bunch of people that I will probably never see again. I'm an introvert, you probably might have guessed.

AjasLipstick · 07/09/2018 16:25

Ethel "Behave himself" seriously? Are you married to a child then? Or just to someone with no personality?

Undercoverbanana · 07/09/2018 16:37

Partners at work events? Never ends well.

I don’t even go to my own work events. Hate the shmoozzy, gossipyness.

Sorry - not helpful.

NonaGrey · 07/09/2018 16:42

Call his bluff and go without him.

Don’t have a fight about it
Don’t look upset
Calmly say that’s fine and go and get ready.
Sail out the door and call a cheery “have a good night” on the way out.
Don’t you dare be embarrassed in front of your colleagues just say he was unfortunately unable to make it at the last minute.

And they start seriously considering if this is how you want to spend your life or if this is the model of a relationship you want to show your children.

He’s doing this to demonstrate power over you you don’t have to play along.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 07/09/2018 16:46

"Behave himself" seriously? Are you married to a child then? Or just to someone with no personality?

No, I'm married to someone who behaves properly in social situations and would never dream of embarrassing me in front of my colleagues.

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