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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL’s asked me to keep quiet over abusive SIL

48 replies

Peacockfeathers789 · 07/09/2018 13:39

Hi I’m in a bit of a pickle

DH has 2 sisters, 27 and 25. Both live at home with PIL. We are indian and it’s customary for unmarried children to stay at home until they are married

We see them a lot, good relationship, they see DS a lot etc

Youngest SIL has always been a bit of a hothead, as is my DH at times, and they really used to clash. SIL has changed a lot (well at least in the sense of her relationship with DH) and the two are very close these days

I was at MiLs today to drop off DS, and she was visibly upset. I asked her what had happened and basically she told me that younger SIL has been acting horrible recently including being physically violent with MiL:

  • SiL has slapped her mum and pulled her hair
  • MiL accidentally left the bathroom rubbish bin in the hallway upstairs meaning to take it down. SIL always thinks she does most of the housework and that the rest are lazy, so when she saw it on the landing, she took it downstairs and angrily threw the contents over the kitchen floor
  • has been telling MIL and FIL that she hopes they die
  • has been buying gifts for MiL that she has never asked for, and if she doesn’t think MiL gives her enough of a thank you she has been giving her a torrent of abuse
  • regularly puts down older SIL (who has learning difficulties) and is physically aggressive with her
She gave me many other examples which involve violence, breaking/slamming things, emotional abuse and manipulation.

I am deeply upset for MiL and fuming that SIL has been pleasant to mine and DH’s faces but at home, she has been treating her family this way.

I’ve told MiL that I want to tell DH today. He will hit the roof i know, but I can’t stand to know that this is going on and that I’m helpless. MIL has asked me not to say anything as we have a close family wedding next week and she doesn’t want a big fight to happen just before it. That means at least for the next few weeks I have to pretend I don’t know anything and be normal/nice to SIL - even though I am so angry with her right now. I’m not sure I can do it.

I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
whothefuckhas5children · 07/09/2018 13:42

Didn't want to read and run. That is horrendous and my sister used to act like this (but not as bad). We didn't do anything at the time but looking back I wish someone knew and did something.

I think you need to share with your DH. Whether this is before or after the wedding is your call.

Excited0803 · 07/09/2018 13:45

It sounds like she has severe anger issues, she needs to be talking to someone about this. From your post it sounds like it's a new situation coming out of nowhere, is that correct or is it an escalation of previous behaviour?

Some of these actions like throwing rubbish on the floor are annoying nut Lloyd serious and warrant waiting; hitting your MIL does not.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/09/2018 13:45

I think you have to tell DH and I wouldn't let the wedding stop me, especially as a vulnerable person with learning difficulties is involved. I know your MIL will find that difficult (and I'd expect a bit of 'shoot the messenger' blame to come your way from that unfortunately) but it has to be sorted out.

Excited0803 · 07/09/2018 13:45

*but not, not nut Lloyd

YearOfYouRemember · 07/09/2018 13:45

How's much danger would your mIl be in if you kept quiet until after the wedding? Would your dh understand you keeping this from him as it is his parents ?

Chillyegg · 07/09/2018 13:46

Tell your DH because your older SIL needs safeguarding. Younger sil needs kicking out,. Depending on how old and vulnerable you mil and sil are is ring ss and report it. Completely unacceptable.

Pickleypickles · 07/09/2018 13:47

I guess you do as she has asked until the wedding is over at least, if you go behind her back now she may not be so forth coming in the future and to me anyway I would want her to feel she could confide in me if she needed to. Why does FIL not do anything? I would tell your husband but as she said asked not till after wedding. Could MIL and FIL come and stay with you for a little bit?

WhirlwindHugs · 07/09/2018 13:51

Definitely tell your DH.

To be honest (and I say this as an immigrant!) just because something is your culture doesn't mean it actually works for you as a person.

SIL would probably be better to move out if this is coming from poor impulse control/anger issues and adults living together.

Certainly older SIL and your MiL need protection as a priority.

Aridane · 07/09/2018 14:01

Absolutely tell DH but I would respect MIL’s wishes and tell DH after wedding

ReanimatedSGB · 07/09/2018 14:03

I think I would be inclined to wait till after the wedding, as your MIL might be more distressed by the fallout if there is a big scene before it.

TheCraicDealer · 07/09/2018 14:06

I would tell him but wait until after the wedding. If tensions are high the last thing you want is a high pressure family event to top things off. In the meantime I'd offer what support I could to your MIL, get her and older SIL out of the house a bit.

Original poster
Peacockfeathers789 · 07/09/2018 14:07

Thank you - this has really upset me and I’m glad I can get it off my chest here.

To answer some of the questions:

We lived with them briefly when we first got married before we bought our own house, and while she had a temper then, it never escalated to violence. What really upsets me is that she knows that MiL suffered abuse at the hands of my FIL’s sisters when MiL first married my FIL. As I’ve mentioned, we are indian, so MiL moved in with FIL’s family for over 10 years, and they treated her horribly.
My SIL knows this and has always been very resentful towards FiL’s family for the way they treated her mum, yet she is doing the same thing

She has anger issues that stem from insecurities, and I know she has seen a GP before about counselling (2013/4). Me and DH were of the understanding that she has had her moments (sulking etc) but never ever would I imagine that she was acting so cruel.

I don’t want to betray my MIL’s trust and I am glad that she feels she can confide in me. But then I wonder if it’s a cry for help and that maybe she’s hoping I will tell DH. Her biggest worry is not only that SIL will kick off with her, but that it will create a huge shit storm between DH and SIL. As mentioned, they’ve had a turbulent relationship in the past, and if he knows this has been going on, he won’t stand back in confronting her.

FIL is powerless - she is just as abusive to him but to my knowledge has never hit him.

We have space for MIL and FiL to stay if they wish, I know she won’t accept it though as she doesn’t want to bring their problems into our house particularly with DS here

OP posts:
TooMuchPenis · 07/09/2018 14:09

I'd wait till after the wedding and then I think there needs to be a family gathering generally to discuss everything.

Would it really be so bad for the sil to move out now on her own or with friends? If she wasn't like this when dh lived there what might have changed things?

IdblowJonSnow · 07/09/2018 14:10

I would tell your mil if she can protect your older sil until after the wedding you'll wait until then. Otherwise why should a vulnerable adult suffer for the sake of keeping the peace for a social occasion? She is way too old to be behaving like that. Awkward situation for you op but needs sorting.

Knittedfairies · 07/09/2018 14:13

Tell your husband.

diddl · 07/09/2018 14:16

If confronted, would she then take it out on her mum?

Does SIL work-could she move out?

It might be customary, but surely no one expects it to be adhered to when a woman is being abused?

TrumpsTinyCheesyWotsit · 07/09/2018 14:28

Tell your husband now. I would be furious if somebody kept this from me for the sake of a family party. My loved ones safety is always paramount over social gatherings.

TrumpsTinyCheesyWotsit · 07/09/2018 14:30

I would report this to the police too, a good sharp shock is exactly what this woman needs to get help. And that would draw a firm line in the sand and show that it is incredibly serious. I mean, come one! if it was anybody but her daughter the police would be your first though. Just because it is a daughter abusing her mother it doesn't matter.......assault is assault and it is ILLEGAL.

Despacitoincognito · 07/09/2018 14:33

I think your first priority should be to your husband and you should say to your MIL, 'I'm sorry but DH and I don't keep secrets from one another. Ever. You should know that if you tell me something I will have to share it with him.' and then tell him. She shouldn't be asking you to keep things from your husband.

Hissy · 07/09/2018 14:42

i think this is something you HAVE to tell your DH, I'd suggest he think a little before acting, and to consider the family wedding etc, but he needs and deserves to know.

this is his mum, it's important that he knows

abigailsnan · 07/09/2018 14:42

I would advise you to tell your husband asap this a cry for help from your MIL.
Would you ever forgive yourself if something awful happened and you where aware of things and never told your husband I think not.
I understand how your MIL feels about the family wedding and how it would come across to the extended family but who cares what they think you need to get your PIL and SIL protected from this woman as sonn as possible.

Rebecca36 · 07/09/2018 14:42

Wait until after the wedding and then do tell your husband who will talk to your sister in law and perhaps get to the root of the problem.

I know it is customary for people of Indian descent to live at home if unmarried but, really, it isn't compulsory. 27 is quite an age for a girl to still be at home with mum. You don't say what she does for a living but could she afford to live apart? Better still to get a job further away and move there.

However I wonder if your SIL is depressed, anxious and confused by how she is feeling, taking it out on her nearest and dearest. Can't be a very good atmosphere for her sister to live in.

I'm so sorry for you all and hope you can all work something out.

Original poster
Peacockfeathers789 · 07/09/2018 14:50

Yes she works full time and has already threatened to MiL that she has seen a flat that she wants to move into. To be honest, that would be the best thing all round

After taking into account your comments, I have decided to tell DH when he returns from work, if I just stress the importance of reacting in a measured and calm way for the sake of his mum, I’m sure he will listen to me. Ranting and raving at SIL is only going to make things worse, we need to talk to her and find out why she is so angry and tell her what will happen if she doesn’t seek help and stop immediately (either that she moves out or that they will move in with us)

OP posts:
Findingdotty · 07/09/2018 14:53

Personally I would wait until after the wedding.

RomanyRoots · 07/09/2018 14:53

I'd wait until after the wedding before telling dh, meanwhile I'd tell her that if you hear of any more abuse towards your ils you are going to Police and ss, that should stop her.
Or just go round and deck the bitch, I'd be so tempted.