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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL’s asked me to keep quiet over abusive SIL

48 replies

Peacockfeathers789 · 07/09/2018 13:39

Hi I’m in a bit of a pickle

DH has 2 sisters, 27 and 25. Both live at home with PIL. We are indian and it’s customary for unmarried children to stay at home until they are married

We see them a lot, good relationship, they see DS a lot etc

Youngest SIL has always been a bit of a hothead, as is my DH at times, and they really used to clash. SIL has changed a lot (well at least in the sense of her relationship with DH) and the two are very close these days

I was at MiLs today to drop off DS, and she was visibly upset. I asked her what had happened and basically she told me that younger SIL has been acting horrible recently including being physically violent with MiL:

SiL has slapped her mum and pulled her hair
MiL accidentally left the bathroom rubbish bin in the hallway upstairs meaning to take it down. SIL always thinks she does most of the housework and that the rest are lazy, so when she saw it on the landing, she took it downstairs and angrily threw the contents over the kitchen floor
has been telling MIL and FIL that she hopes they die
has been buying gifts for MiL that she has never asked for, and if she doesn’t think MiL gives her enough of a thank you she has been giving her a torrent of abuse
regularly puts down older SIL (who has learning difficulties) and is physically aggressive with her

She gave me many other examples which involve violence, breaking/slamming things, emotional abuse and manipulation.

I am deeply upset for MiL and fuming that SIL has been pleasant to mine and DH’s faces but at home, she has been treating her family this way.

I’ve told MiL that I want to tell DH today. He will hit the roof i know, but I can’t stand to know that this is going on and that I’m helpless. MIL has asked me not to say anything as we have a close family wedding next week and she doesn’t want a big fight to happen just before it. That means at least for the next few weeks I have to pretend I don’t know anything and be normal/nice to SIL - even though I am so angry with her right now. I’m not sure I can do it.

I don’t know what to do

OP posts:

KurriKurri · 07/09/2018 14:56

My concern with waiting until after the wedding is that your SIL will seriousy harm your MIL or your vulnerable older SIL meantime.
Does your FIL know about this abuse, is he also subject to it or would he have any control over how sil behaves.
I think if your PIL are very elderly and as your older SIL is a vulnerable adult, you have too put their safety above any other consideration - unless you can think of some way to get your PILs and older SIl away from this abusive person until the wedding has taken place.

SnuggyBuggy · 07/09/2018 14:56

You say you were dropped of your DS? I would not leave a child unsupervised in that household.

KurriKurri · 07/09/2018 14:57

Apologies - I missed your update - I'm very glad you are telling your DH - this isn;t something you should have to deal with on your own, what a horrible situation for you and your PIL. Good luck.

diddl · 07/09/2018 14:58

"Yes she works full time and has already threatened to MiL that she has seen a flat that she wants to move into. "

Would the ILs take it as a threat or wave her on her way?

mammmamia · 07/09/2018 15:00

I would also be concerned about leaving your DS there alone.

Troels · 07/09/2018 15:05

He needs to know today, not after the wedding. If I were the Dh I'd be very upset that you had kept this from me, wedding or no wedding to go to.

Original poster

Peacockfeathers789 · 07/09/2018 15:05

She works full time so is not there. MIL is home alone until 6.

I asked MIL if SIL has ever so much as raised her voice in front of my DS and she swears she hasn’t. I trust that MiL is telling the truth. I’m not going to say that SIL is a nice person, but I believe her resentment and anger seem to be solely towards her parents and sister. She is very pleasant towards me and DH and I have seen her with DS, she dotes on him and he adores her. He woke up crying the other morning saying he wanted to go and see her.

OP posts:

Littlechocola · 07/09/2018 15:07

You need to make sure that the rest of the family are safe before telling anyone anything. The SIL May take it out on the MIL or older sibling.
What an awful situation to be in.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2018 15:07

First of all, your MIL told you about all this because she is desperate for help. Wait until after the wedding to tell your husband, and then very aggressively deal with your bitch of a SIL. She either moves out or straightens out. Regardless, if she does one more abusive thing, you will be forced to report her.

Secondly, I'm shocked that you are still leaving your child there knowing how violent and unstable your SIL is. That needs to stop.

Original poster

Peacockfeathers789 · 07/09/2018 15:10

To clarify, MiL looks after DS 3 days a week. 2 of those days are at our house, alone. On Fridays he goes there, again, she is alone.

We go on the weekend and see them all which is when he spends time with the 2 SILs and FIL, however we are also there with them

SIL also sometimes comes over to our house during the week to see DS. Again, we are in the house

OP posts:

woodhill · 07/09/2018 15:15

Perhaps she's sick of being there when she works full time and then has to do a lot for her dps and older ds around the house. She probably feels suffocated.

I know her behaviour is out of order but it would be better if she had her own place.

zzzzz · 07/09/2018 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trojanpony · 07/09/2018 15:24

Tell your husband all of this and explain that while you are as angry as he is, you need him to keep it together and stay calm.
Because you need to calmly work out a plan together and he cannot storm round there and raise Merry hell before this wedding as it would upset and distress his mother even more which you know is not what he wants

DayAtTheRaces · 07/09/2018 15:29

Would it be possible to have a hidden camera installed whilst the SIL is out at work?

I’ve just seen a video (in the Daily Mail Australian section) which shows a care worker beating up an elderly man with dementia in a care home; his daughter became suspicious when she saw bruises on him but was under the impression he had fallen out of bed....she secretly installed a video camera and the truth came out.

PollyFlinderz · 07/09/2018 15:44

My concern with waiting until after the wedding is that your SIL will seriousy harm your MIL or your vulnerable older SIL meantime

In a nutshell.

kateandme · 07/09/2018 15:46

yes,allthough your mil might be frightened and now fearing the what ifs if it comes out.i think after the initial bit I think the relief to her will be immense and she will then be able to be grateful that someones then taking some of this on with and for her.right now she is in the fearful have to protect all children yet hurting stage and fight or floght means she needs to keep it in and keep it contained.also as a victim she will be "battered" down into not being able to get help or receive it in the way a normal person would.
let your dh know as a team you need to be strong not reactive.that this wont get sorted with more anger and rage.to sort this.to win here you need to be the calm ones able to come up with a safe plan for all.

ApolloandDaphne · 07/09/2018 15:54

i am guessing she may be feeling suffocated and frustrated at still living at home. This is no excuse for her behaviour however, none at all.

I do think you need to tell your DH sooner rather than later because your SIL may seriously hurt your MIL or other SIL.

kateandme · 07/09/2018 16:00

lets flip this.if your dh new ur sister was abusing ur mum or dad but kept it from you.how would you feel.id be heartbroken.then mixed with anger.
you need eacohter now.its seecrets and lies I nthat house already don't let it spread to ur own.this is how abuse and this stuff carries on.he might be angry.he might rage.this will partly be through pain but then its up to both of you to keep it calm.and work out what next.

Polly2345 · 07/09/2018 16:09

I would say something now, especially as you're leaving your DS there. I would also try to arrange to not leave DS there until the situation improves.

WhirlyGigWhirlyGig · 07/09/2018 16:14

I'm glad you've decided to tel your dh. It's all very well waiting until after the wedding but what if your sil goes too far in anger and actually injures your mil rather than trying to control her in an abusive way.
Your poor pil's.

ShadowHuntress · 07/09/2018 16:50

In all honestly, she needs to move out on her own. She is not suited to living in that kind of enviroment at her age. That doesn’t excuse her behaviour at all by the way. It’s disgusting and she needs some help to manage her anger. I say this as I had to move back to my parents at the age of 25 after a break up and I seriously struggled. I ended up fighting with my parents on an almost daily basis, although it was never violent more bickering. In the end I moved out quite quickly and our relationship is so much better for it. This whole Indian idea of adults all living in the same house just doesn’t work in this day and age. People need space and independence.

woodhill · 07/09/2018 17:25

Totally agree Shadow I moved back to dms as an adult with my dc and dh very briefly and it was difficult.

Perhaps the iLs treat her like a glorified housekeeper and she has had enough

BlueJava · 07/09/2018 17:32

Tell your husband - no one has a right to ask you with hold information to your partner/husband. I hope it works out for you all - your SIL has massive anger issues it seems

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